Bulan Restu

Notice of Reallocation

2007-02-17T04:26:00.000+08:00

This is to inform that this blog has been reallocated to another blog host:

funeyag.wordpress.com

All new posts will now be posted on the new blog address. See you guys there :-)

I want more life

2007-02-11T17:22:00.000+08:00

Just finished watching 'Angels in America'. Didn't know it was about homosexuals and AIDS before I decided to watch it, all I knew was that it won some awards (Golden Globe and Emmy for Best Miniseries). It was actually adapted from a play of the same title.

Being a gay, I identified with most of the elements in the story, although the story itself is also about the social state of America in general. This is perhaps the first film I've watched since Tom Hanks' Philadelphia that dealt majorly with AIDS.

The issues explored in the story are all quite close to heart: love, abandonment, belief, prejudice, etc. But it takes certain patience to go through some of the more metaphorical scenes and the often wordful dialogues.

When I first started embracing homosexuality, AIDS was the first issue I found myself having the most difficulty dealing with. I was so scared of catching the disease that I did some pretty naive things back then. As time went by, as I met more people and gained more experience, the issue of AIDS started to take a back seat in my mind, because so few actually talk about it, it's almost like a taboo or maybe people just thought that by avoiding thinking or talking about it, it will not exist or happen to them.

Since my recent involvement with A (which you all knew how it ended :-)), I stopped all my promiscuous activities, because I was ready to stay commited with A. And although I didn't have much desire to meet other guys during that period with him, it also occured to me then how stupid it would be if I were to catch AIDS (or some other nasty STDs) when I finally found someone I wanted to be with.

It was since then, that I have made a promise to myself I will stop having promiscuous sex, not just because I am afraid of the possibly terrible and painful death I will face upon catching AIDS, but also because of the people that I care and love me. Nothing is worth the pain I will inflict on them, certainly not moments of fun with some guys whose name I wouldn't even remember the next morning.

And most important of all, I would need all the health I can have when I finally found him, I don't want to finally meet the 'destined guy' only to tell him, "Babe, I'm so happy to have found you, but I'm afraid I can't be there for you, for I got myself AIDS while waiting for you."

No, I want to tell him, "Babe, I want to be the one who will always be there for you."

Yes, curse the romantics :-P

Forgetfulness

2007-02-09T00:51:00.000+08:00

Been almost a week since I last contacted him, guess I should be on my way to finally being able to forget him and let him go..

On my way home just now, I felt a certain dizziness, suddenly I realised what I have been doing all this time was just consciously avoid thinking of him, and this constant effort is starting to take a toll on my psyche, it's like my left brain which wants to think of him is constantly fighting with my right brain which doesn't want to think of him, it was literally starting to give me a splitting headache.

I probably still need more time, more time to wash away the memories and any residue feelings.

Then it occured to me, seeing how I'm becoming more forgetful in recent times (not Alzheimers I hope!), maybe it's because I've been so used to shutting out the unwanted memories, that it somehow promoted my forgetfulness.

Yea I know this may sound like a lame excuse, and probably a bit far fetched, but the possibility could be there for all I know. I guess I'm just becoming too much used to (and need) selective memorising these days, that I'll only memorise things that I deem important enough. Now I generally require harder effort to really memorise something, cos I've been too used to forgetting things. Am I making sense?

Uhm wait.. where was I again? :-P

What about eternity..

2007-02-06T02:02:00.000+08:00

Just watched 'Pan's Labyrinth', has to be one of the grossest and scariest fairy-tale inspired movie I've ever watched, definitely not a movie for the children or the faint-hearted.

***

A friend told me, he had a 5-year relationship, but one day it just ended through one sms from the BF, and my friend said he only replied the sms once - wished his BF all the best and go pick up the stuff he left at his place.

That was all. My friend didn't call, didn't beg, didn't get emotional or all dramatic with the BF. Just one sms exchange and there went the 5-year relationship, gone with the wind.

I'm not sure whether I should admire the coolness and rationality of my friend or feel sorry for the fact that such a long relationship could be ended just like that, without any traces of emotion or effort of saving it. I'd think that 5 years is a very long time, how can something built with this long a time be ceased to exist in just one exchange of sms?

So what exactly is love? Is it just two people being happy together over a period of time, and when either one had enough of the other, they just pack up, leave each other's life and move on? Is love this impermanant thing that helps us go through life by keeping us from being too miserable from time to time?

And to think that I've been so naive and misleaded all these while, assuming love equals eternal bond between two souls. But there is no such thing, is there? It's only an imaginary utopian vision for the most romantic of fools, who think that the world revolves around his happiness and his search for his soulmate.

***

Love to me is losing more and more of it's sacredness, tainted by the cruel facts of reality as I go through the rites of adulthood.

I feel like I'm outgrowing the fairy-tale called 'love', afraid that one day I might realise, that there is indeed no such thing as love, or at least not in the way I knew it.

***

Sometimes I realise how scary it can be to bump into someone believing in love the way I do, it's like bumping into a delusional person with no sense of reality.

For let's face it, nowadays love is just an excuse for you to keep dating the same hot guy until his novelty wears off.

Everyday

2007-02-03T14:15:00.000+08:00

Everyday is a constant struggle between giving up and holding on to hope.

Everyday I wait for a call or sms that never came and might never come.

Everyday I told myself that all is going to be fine, that I can get over him eventually, that I will stop missing him one day.

Everyday I fill my mind with so many thoughts trying to drown out the memories of him.

Everyday I log onto the chatroom where I met him, both hoping and fearing that I would bump into him again there.

Everyday I try to think of ways to hate him, so that I can justify for giving up on him.

Everyday I wake up, remembering again there is something missing in my life.

Everyday I go to sleep, hoping to forget more the next day I wake up.

Forgiven

2007-01-30T13:09:00.000+08:00

I just sent an sms apologizing to my ex whom I have not been in contact with since we broke up almost 2 years back.

Two years ago I gave him the impression that I liked him, only to betray and disappoint him in the end by leaving him. My reason was that I realized he was not the one, but he was already too deep in love with me.

I did not shed a tear when we broke up over a few smses that time, because I realized that there was no love from me, only the comfort of having someone to exchange care and be intimate with.

In my sms just now I told him I wouldn't hope for his forgiveness, but I do hope that he has a better life now without me.

Truth is.. I do want to be forgiven.

Because I know now what is the invisible curse.

It's guilt.

All I ever wanted was just one person

2007-01-30T10:58:00.000+08:00

You know I never wanted to become this pathetic desperate guy I've come to be now.

Many times I wish I could just un-live the past two months of my life, return back to a time when I didn't know I could be so hopelessly addicted to a person that my sanity would one day be under his mercy.

I despise this weak person that I've become, clinging so single-sided and fool-hardedly to a person who had once given me hope and showed me the wonders of life but only to take them all back later and left me reminiscing the happiness that could have been and feeling the hollowness of unfulfilled promises.

Is this a curse put on me from my last relationship? I left my last ex after a two month relationship, now it's someone else's turn to leave me after two months. Perhaps karma is true afterall, or perhaps we are all just selfish souls searching of our so-called love and never cared about what trails of destructions we leave in our wake along the way.

Perhaps he was just my Christmas wish came true. when Christmas had come and gone, so had he. Will I ever be able to celebrate Christmas without being reminded of him again?

I am not sure I can ever believe in love again. I long for the time when I will be able to put this all behind, get back up on my own feet and feel hopeful about love and the future again. But at the moment, all I can do is just be embittered. Embittered of an unrequited love sought so hardly over what seemed like an eternity now.

The Second Bests

2007-01-28T21:57:00.000+08:00

There are many things in life that we wouldn't take anything short of the bests.

The best food, best clothes, best gadgets, best houses, best men, best partner.. nothing would do it for us except the best, since we have only one shot at life, why don't we deserve the best right?

Being the perfectionist, I'm of course of no exception. But unfortunately, so is A.

It's very tiring being the perfectionist, because we simply couldn't settle for anything less. Between two items of significantly different prices, I would take the higher priced item if it's the one that I really like.

I could imagine why A hesitated, it was because he couldn't look through my flaws, the flaws that made me the second best.

I also realized why I have been single most of the time, it's because all my eyes could see were the second bests, and when I thought I have found the bests, I turned out to be their second best.

Is it ever possible for a second best to become the best? Because if it is, I'd really love to know.

Or maybe for once, I could find the guy who can make us both see the best out of each other.

The Equation

2007-01-28T12:09:00.000+08:00

I attended a workshop about influence last week. We were taught about the various ways of influencing others into reaching your objective: pull, push, bridge, attract and avoid.

It came as kinda surprise to me when I found out that I'm actually more of a 'push' person than say 'pull' or 'bridge', cos all the while I thought I was being really considerate of others when it comes to reaching my goals.

I thought I've always been practising this 'no forcing' p0licy on others, cos I know it's no use pushing others to do what they don't like, heck it can even be counter productive, and to discover myself that I'm still actually more of a 'pusher' is therefore rather unexpected. Maybe it's becos the workshop was done together with my colleagues, so it could be that due to the work environment I might have needed to shift to a more 'push' style to get things done.

But then I started to relate it to things on the other end - personal relationships. Am I really being too much of a 'pusher' all these times when I thought that I was really not?

Looking back, I tend to find myself as a result-oriented guy, cos whenever I see things not going the way I hoped they'd go, I'll take some sort of action. When I couldn't figure out whether someone wants to be with me, I pushed them to make a decision; and when they couldn't make a decision, I made it for them by giving up on them. I couldn't take uncertainty as answer, becos I needed to be ensured and know the direction where we were heading in a relationship.

I fear the unknown and the possibility of disappointment it brings.

I consulted with some of my friends about my involvement with A, I told them about all the ups and downs I had with him, the uncertainty and insecurities I felt and feared so much. Most of them advised me to just get ready to move on, not many think its worth waiting for a guy who may never return the affection in the end. There are so many guys out there, why be the fool for one when you could be the sweetheart for many others?

I gave them the excuse that I'm really tired of being the 5 mins sweetheart of others, I know what I really want at my age, and I'm willing to be the fool if that's what it takes to give me a shot at the jackpot of my life.

I'm really not much of a greedy guy, in fact I think I'm quite easily contented despite my constant efforts in improving the quality of life, e.g. healthier food, new gadgets, clothes, cars and even properties. And I'm definitely not greedy at all in terms of relationships, for I am as monogamous as the monogamous idea goes. One special guy in my life is more than enough to float my boat and in fact that's all I'll ever ask for.

Monogamy is also one of the things that I liked in A. He was a big believer in it (as far as I know) and that's what made him different, we all know how rare true monogamy is in this modern world where everyone is all for and about themselves.

Few days back, I got to see a different side of A - the honest, humble, open and vulnerable side. And it brought in a new equation into the already complicated math problem that I've been working on, a new equation which had me threw away a lot of my old assumptions and perceptions. But funny thing is, I just realized that now the math problem got even more complicated, and I'm still no where near the answer.

Or maybe the answer was there all along, just I couldn't or not willing to see it..

Singletons

2007-01-26T00:57:00.000+08:00

So I've finally reached the point where I have done with all the latest episodes of Desperate Housewives I could download from the Internet, and now I am starting with Sex and the City from season 1. I expect that going through this whole series until it's final season 6 will gonna last me around one month's worth of dinner time :-)

I may be slow in picking up these series and I may be even frowned upon for watching such 'typical gay favs', but I do found myself being constantly amazed at how much wisdom is to be found in these relationship based shows. Or at least, I'm amazed at how many hotties are to be found in them! :-)

And I've been reading more of those fellow queer blogs again, suddenly seems like everyone has a 'boyfriend' to be used in their blogs so ever casually - "Me and the boyfriend went ...", "The boyfriend's parrot learned to speak my name..", "Although my boyfriend offered to ..", etc..

Seeing all the 'boyfriend' words just made me realise how desperate I could be again, more so becos I never remembered I ever got to officially use the word 'boyfriend' before. It's almost like a curse on me, that throughout my entire stay on this God-forsaken piece of cosmic pebble, I shall never have the chance to call anyone my 'boyfriend', much less 'hubby'.

Why is it that others can enjoy their boyfriends so seemingly effortless and happily when for me it has to be so full of obstacles and pain and heartaches? Yes I'm aware that I'm not the only one who has to go through hell to win another's heart, but why can't I be one of the lucky ones who can just enjoy a relationship from the get go without getting the nasty surprise of being dumped two weeks later? Just when I thought my curse had been lifted and I wasn't doomed to eternal singlehood..

Even after all the ups and downs with him, the make out and the break ups..

He probably still doesn't know that I want him to be happy more than anything else, even more so than my own happiness. As cynic as he is about love at first sight, I did love him at first sight. And as much as I believe myself to be willing to make him the happiest man for as long as I breath, I am not sure I am capable of making him happy, or at least not anymore.

As the saying goes, "One person suffers is better than two person suffer". Loving him doesn't always mean that I need to be in possess of him, it could also mean that I should be prepared to let go and let someone else who can make him happy, give him the happiness that he deserves.

After all the silent tears and sleepless nights, I think I am now ready to let go, if this is what it takes.

What was lost.. could never be found

2007-01-23T00:11:00.000+08:00

People in love should make each other feel good about themselves.

But everytime I meet him, I feel like I'm the worst person in the world.

I could no longer make him laugh, he laughs so much more talking to his friends. This means I'm not even half as interesting or funny as his friends.

I could no longer look at him, because everytime looking at him I'm afraid to see him looking away to avoid me.

I could no longer be in his presence, because I feel like I'm not only no longer of his concern, I'm also not half as close as a normal friend to him.

All these made me feel like I've failed us both in my fool-hardy attempt at something that I should have known to be quite impossible - seeking the affection that's lost and long gone.

I didn't want to give up, cos I am too tired to give up, too tired to start all over again and face yet another disappointment/failure.

What happened to the fun part?

2007-01-21T01:59:00.000+08:00

Was reading through some fellow queer friends' blogs just now, damn they are so much fun to read with all the self-bitchiness and sexcapades, really reminded me back when the time while I was still able to write so much fun in my blogs with all my 'witty' remarks and self-deprecating humours (being the big cynic that I am).

Now all I write about are the technical, depressing, paragraphs-spanning, head-rolling theses on relationships, relationships and more relationships.. I think maybe I have become a bit too self-absorbed in my recent obsessions with finding The One that I have kinda lost the fun in me.

As much as I like blogging, usually I don't really like reading others' blogs, cos I'm kinda lazy when it comes to reading mundane details. And some people like me tend to have the compulsive urge to describe every little details on perfectly unremarkable things.

Which was why it was rare when I found myself pouring through each and every one of those fellow bloggers' blogs just now, while trying with great difficulty not to dislocate my jaws by laughing too hard at some of their most entertaining and hilarious posts (be they intended or not) or being curiously engrossed in their most lucid sexual encounters. Thinking it would be a waste not to share such gem finds with fellow friends, I have decided for the first time that I shall put up links to these other blogs. Hope some of you would enjoy reading them as much as I did :-)

On a side note, I'm still on the Desperate Housewives viewing marathon, am now into their third season, and I'm afraid I'm only getting more addicted to this series than I probably should. Everything depicted in it are just so interesting cos there are so many things going on. I didn't realise I could be so much into soap operas, with all the dramas and such, but this show really hit me at my weak spot for witty comedies and moving drama. It really didn't come as a surprise to me when I found out that the creator of the show is openly gay, cos if you ask me, if anyone who can pull off such an insightful show into relationships, he/she has to be gay, cos gays tend to play the role of both sexes and this allows us to understand the dynamics of relationships better. Well not to say that I have made DH my new relationship bible, but it did help put a new perspective on many things for me.

On a side side note, I recently turned down re-ignition of two old flames. Not sure why they came at the same time, but the timing couldn't been better (or worse depending on which side you are), cos eventhough with A where I stand now is still ambiguous ground, one thing is for certain, when I have got over someone, it's really near to impossible for me to turn back again.

Darn, already 3 a.m.! Where did all the time go?

What's in a companion

2007-01-13T22:26:00.000+08:00

Been catching up with many Desperate Housewives episodes and chats with friends about relationships lately.

I came to realise, that relationships be they hetero or homosexual in nature, require sacrifices to work.

Some believe in searching for the most compatible or ideal companion, in hope that it would ensure a successful and long lasting relationship. But compatibility between two person can only go so far in maintaining a healthy relationship, for even the sweetest and most matching couples can have moments of disagreements and conflicts of interests.

What happens when unpleasant things happen in a relationship? Do they just decide that they are not that compatible afterall and hence separate to continue searching for the next perfect companion?

A friend once told me, "There is no such thing as a perfect guy in this world". He's right, the rationale is really quite simple. No two person can be together without any whatsoever frictions, for even I myself can have disagreements with myself sometimes, not to mention two people with each of their own minds.

For me, a true life companion is someone who is willing to commit himself into a relationship through thick and thin. Loving someone is not sufficient, cos 'love' has become a very emotional word, it comes and goes with our moods, one day you might love someone and the next day you might not (or think you do not).

I think the reason why relationships tend to be so fragile in the first place is that people emphasizing the feeling of 'love' so very importantly. When love is there, they want to be together, and when the excitement of love is gone, they moved on to the next excitement in life.

You see, this is when I can finally understand the true purpose of marriage. Marriage may be a very political way of binding two person together for life, it nevertheless serves the purpose of having us to commit ourselves, to prevent (or discourage) ourselves from time to time giving into the urges of straying away for some new excitements that promise moments of pleasures and happiness.

The fact is, those who see marriage as a prison, are probably those who do not understand the meaning of 'lifetime fulfillment'. To me, it means having someone as your best friend and closest confidant, the pillar of strength at your lowest moments and the meaning of joy at your happiest moments. Someone who gives you the reason to work harder and earn that extra money just so that you can buy that watch he's been secretly eyeing on, somone whose well-being is put ahead of even your own interests.

Someone who makes you want to be a better and stronger person just so that you can protect the people that are important to you. Someone whom you can lay bare to physically and emotionally at the end of the day without the need to pretend that you are someone who you are not. Someone whom you are not afraid to be vulnerable to, because you know you will not be scrutinised and whatever your flaws are, you will still be accepted.

To find someone who is actually capable of all the things above is difficult. To be together with that someone for life is therefore even immensely more difficult, especially without any sacrifices from both parties.

I may be a bit sadistic, but I find that in life, if everything comes easy and without effort, we would not appreciate it. On the other hand, if we have to work hard to get something, we would come to learn to think twice before saying quit on anything.

I'm but flesh and blood

2007-01-09T16:40:00.000+08:00

As the reality of slowly losing him finally dawns on me, I begun to experience the nasty aftermath.

Waves and waves of memories of him and the things we did together just kept flooding into my mind, the more I tried to block them, the harder they came forcing me to face them.

I was reminded of the porposal he made to go London with him, the restaurant he said we were going to try next time, the holding of his hand when he was driving, the trying of my ring on his finger, the sharing of food, the many times we raced each other to pay the bill first, the games I thought of playing with him on the PS2, the power hugs, the tender kisses, the familiar perfume that he wore, the kiddy antics he did when he was happy..

All of which stood to remind me again that happy memories can be just as painfully heart-wrenching when they are recalled under opposite conditions.

I could barely concentrate on my work today, as the term 'driving me crazy' was rather apt in describing how I felt following the assaults of the bittersweet memories.

Many times I had the strong urge to sms or call him, but I asked myself what good would that do. If he couldn't bring himself to like me even after all our attempts, a few calls or sms would not change that.

Love is a many strange thing - the harder you try, the further away you'll get from what you want; the less you try, it tends to creep up on you unnoticed and even possibly uninvited.

Had I a choice now to choose whether I'd like to forget the things that happened for the past one month, I'd choose to forget. Because as it is now, I'm just too much of an embittered guy, willing to do anything to release the grief that is threatening to consume all of my heart.

Reason

2007-01-08T21:15:00.000+08:00

Gave a lot of thoughts about what happened yesterday, especially during my gym and on my way home.

He told me he has yet to find the quality in me that would make him fall in love with me.

He asked me, "What is the reason that you like me?".

I was caught off guard and told him something along the lines of liking his physical appearance and 'normality'. He retorted that many others look normal as well, and somehow my reason gave him the impression that my affection for him are based on nothing but shallow qualities.

After thinking it through again today, I came to an answer. If I could turn back time, this is how I would have answered him, "I like you because you are who you are."

I would have never liked a person just because of the physical appearance, it's always and has to be the whole package. Some would say that there really is no reason to love someone, because there are those who loved the worst of men, and what was their reason? They had every reason not to love, but they did anyway, because as unemperical as it sounds, love is a feeling that cannot always be explained nor analysed. Even if there's another guy with absolutely identical qualities like him, or even if there's a clone of him, I would have still chosen him, not the clone, because they maybe identical until to the DNA level, there will always be just one whom I've grown attachment to.

To me, physical appearance is no doubt one of the first criteria in causing us to like someone, but as we come to know more of the person, eventually physical appearance will fade away, replaced by a 'soul'. A 'soul' to me is forever a unique entity, because it's what a person has done in the past that defines him and it's our memory of a person that defines the 'soul'. As age catches up with us, or if the physical appearance changed drastically due to some accident, it would not be the physical appearance that enable us to continue loving that person, but his 'soul'.

I may have known him for merely one month, but for me that is already sufficient to know that, I have never been so sure before in my life about someone. For the first time, I can actually make a decision and be confident that I would stick to it. To someone who has been in and out of love so many times, I know the difference when I see one, and this is what made me grasping so fool heartedly onto this romance, even when I could see that he was being unsure and my instinct to protect myself would be to hold back.

All because I knew, that this is probably as close as I could ever get to finding the One.

Some would argue, that there's almost always someone better coming just around the corner, how could I be so sure that this is the One?

The fact is, I don't know, and I probably will never know, but there comes a time, when we know things are as good as they get, that it's now or never. It just so happens that for me, this is the time.

I made an analogy (which a friend somehow found funny) about the problem with me and him: Timing - We both started walking together from the beginning, soon we started running together, but at some point, he stopped and ponder, and went back to walking, while me on the other hand did not, and ended up just kept running, only by the time I looked back, that I realised there's already a huge distance between me and him.

This problem has now caused us to go all the way back to the starting line. I'm not sure what will happen next, but for me the worst has already happened, so for now I'm just gonna take things as they come.

"If it's meant to be, it's meant to be", at least we share this sentiment now.

Come what may

2007-01-08T01:12:00.000+08:00

It's really ironic, how I kept thinking I've finally got it right, when the fact was I couldn't have gotten it any more wrong.

As each subsequent attempt got worse and worse results, I also got to know him better and better. But I'm afraid all these understandings came at a cost, and I can see that his patience is already wearing thin, as I ended myself at increasingly worse positions each time.

There are times when we just tried so hard to get what we want, that we ended up making things worse while getting no where near what we wanted. This is the mistake I realise I've been making, and I hope this is the last time I'm going to make it.

I leave things to fate now, whatever that means, and whatever that brings me.

The combination

2007-01-06T00:48:00.000+08:00

Just had some more interesting discussions on astrologies with my female colleagues during our idle working hours, apparently most of them are very well versed and believe to a certain degree in horoscopes, cos they seem to like to read a lot of such stuff during their younger years, and so they were all discussing about how their horoscopes are now governing them and their boyfriends' behaviours.

After listening to all their collected wisdoms on boyfriends and such, I couldn't help but tried to search more on the interaction between my and his horoscope signs (eventhough I said I didn't quite buy into the destiny-written-in-the-stars stuff, typical hypocrite I know :-P), and found the following, some points which I found to be accurate and some not, but an interesting and even possibly educational read nevertheless:

"When Aries and Cancer come together in a love affair, it's a case of opposites attracting. Aries is rash and brash while Cancer is sensitive and emotional. Aries can certainly be emotional -- in a fiery, impetuous way that can completely overwhelm Cancer. Even though Cancer usually likes to take time with relationships, Aries's whirlwind approach can be extremely stimulating. Aries, on the other hand, may find the Cancerian sensitivity appealing; it's a good balance for the typical Aries bluntness. Troubles may arise if Cancer's mood swings or Aries's aggression becomes hurtful. Both Signs must take time to listen to their partner's needs and understand that they're coming from different directions to meet a common goal.

Cancer is the Sign of Home while Aries is the Sign of Self. One great dynamic between these two is that both Signs are extremely protective of those they love. Cancer uses that Crab shell to draw around themselves and their family and mate when trouble is near, while the Ram uses their strength and bravery, like a knight in shining armor. Cancer also provides Aries with a happy domestic life and emotional security. Sometimes they might build an idealized image of their Aries partner or be overly possessive, which can really grate on independent Aries.

However, Aries can help by reassuring their Cancer partner that they are loved and cherished. Aries really needs to learn to listen to Cancer: the Crab operates on an instinctive level and their advice can help Aries avoid making silly mistakes caused by that typical Aries lack of planning.

Aries is ruled by the Planet Mars and Cancer is ruled by the emotional Moon. Mars was the God of War, and Aries is a soldier meeting every challenge head-on. Aries's open, passionate nature appeals to Cancer, who often internalizes emotions and feelings. Cancer can have intense, feminine energy and Aries can help them learn to release it. The Moon controls tides of the Earth, quietly affecting all life; similarly, Cancer works behind the scenes (while Aries rushes into battle). Cancer tends to be sentimental and can teach Aries to slow down and appreciate life instead of always rushing on to the next thing.

Aries is a Fire Sign and Cancer is a Water Sign. These two elements can be a great combination if they work together, using both emotion and action to get things done. Cancer can help Aries slow down and learn to be gentle, while Aries teaches Cancer to come out of their shells. But Cancer can be emotionally manipulative -- sometimes there's just too much Water dampening Aries's enthusiasm. Conversely, too much Fire can cause Water to evaporate, leaving Cancer emotionally raw. Aries and Cancer must talk openly and freely to ensure their balance is maintained.

Aries and Cancer are both Cardinal Signs. Both Signs are initiators, but they have to learn to cooperate. On the surface, Aries is the leader, always rushing out to meet a challenge, but Cancer is also indirectly in charge through emotional control and the ability to weigh the situation. Cancer tends to compromise more easily while Aries can be unwilling to yield, so the Crab may have to accept giving in.

What's the best aspect of the Aries-Cancer relationship? Once they realize they're on the same team, the combination of Fire and Water works well together. Aries is out there getting attention and Cancer is quietly supporting the back end. Each partner's ability to provide what the other is lacking makes theirs an equal relationship."

I must say this particular compatibility explanation has a more detailed and constructive (not to mention romantic) spin on the combination than the one I previously posted. It's ironic how sometimes even the most cynical of us would look into things such as astrology to find some sort of a guidance. Truth is, we would believe anything as long as it gives us hope.

Made in heaven

2007-01-04T14:56:00.000+08:00

So I was bored and was browsing through some 'love compatibility' websites recently during my idle work time, and guess who's birth dates I entered?

It turned out that me and him just happen to have one of the most unfavourable astrological match, be them in Western Horoscope, Chinese Astrology or heck even Feng Shui Pa-Kua. And I was actually quite surprised that some of the descriptions are rather accurate:

"The Rabbit man is subject to periodic spells of depression and pessimism. He may meet the joyous Rooster woman while in this frame of mind and immediately become infatuated with her. On the other hand, his seriousmindedness and patrician manners are likely to appeal strongly to her. It is certainly not impossible for them to achieve happiness together, but the odds against their union are of such magnitude that they should think at least twice before taking the plunge."

"Rooster Man and Rabbit Woman. There are dangers inherent in this relationship, which make it a hazardous one. While their sharp differences drew them together, the partners will find it extremely difficult to reach agreement once they have joined their destinies. Mutual concessions alone will not be sufficient in securing success; there will also be the need of favorable circumstances."

As you can see, due to the political incorrectness of the website, one just had to be the woman, and since I'm not sure which of us should or even can be labeled as the 'woman', I tried both combinations. But what do you know, both combinations seem just as bad anyway, lol.

"This is a combination of classic extremes--Fire and Water. This combination can be made to work, if both of you stick to the idea of dependence verses independence. If the two of you could get into a partnership where one earns no matter what, and the other one takes care of things at home and conserves, come what may, you'd be taking advantage of the strength of both signs. With this partnership, there can be an excellent understanding. If both of you do both the things half way, this relationship could lead to tremendous explosive situations.

Cancer is soft and gentle but those claws come out as soon as a Cancer perceives danger of capture. A Cancer may even retreat into their own shell and will not come out, no matter how much pushing and shoving an Aries exercises. In their physical union, an Aries is driven by a higher sexual drive than Cancer, but both of you will accommodate each other if understanding exists. An interesting combination!"

I for one really appreciate the fact that this Western Astrology tried it's best to put a good spin on the otherwise 'interesting' combination :-)

There was also this other Chinese Astrology test which I tried, and from a compatibility range of +10 to -10, the result from my birth date and his came out to be.. '-5'. I wasn't sure whether to laugh or cry seeing the result :-/

The only more positive result came from the calculation of the compatibility of our biorhythms, which is at 78%. Well always glad to know that we are not yet a total disaster.

Truth is, all this while I never quite buy into all these destiny-written-in-the-stars stuff, not even when my dad told me that his parent warned him before about being astrologically incompatible with my mom before they were married and that now my dad believes there is indeed some truth in his parent's words.

But you know what, having said that, my dad also told me he instinctively knew that my mom was the woman he'd marry someday the first time he met her. And though it's a fact that they argued and fighted every other day throughout my 25 years of life, and that they also often bitched to me how much they hated each other's character, somehow I know, that they do love each other very much. Their union may not be made in heaven, it is no less true.

And recently as I got myself addicted to chasing episodes of Desperate Housewives, thanks to some interesting conversations between him and his hyterical (as in funny, not insane) friend, I found myself identifying with the Van de Kamp couple. They may not have had the best compatibility and the happiest life, but they loved each other until the end.

One of my favourite quotes by Sam Keen, "You come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly.”

So now that I know me and him aren't exactly the golden boys' match in heaven, it just made me want to make it work all the more, cos I've always believed that our own destinies are up to us to shape. Be it for better or for worse, I'll give it my best try.

The Deconstruction of a Failed Romance

2007-01-02T01:00:00.000+08:00

I'm playing Il Divo's 'Rejoice' as I'm writing this entry, because it was the song that was playing when me and him were once lost in each other's embrace, back in a time I thought I had found what was thought to be lost. I purposely play this song, because I want to tell myself that I'm strong enough to be reminded of the countless sweet memories left during the past one month.

Just came back from a post-heartbreak consultation session (my friend's term) with a friend, really made me feel much better now. It really was the best remedy for a heartbroken case like me, to be able to get the words out of my chest, I feel relieved. Of course, the friend was really supportive, provided me useful comments and his thoughts on the failed romance. What more could I ask for from a friend? A big thanks to him.

All past romantic attempts provided me much experience and lessons on many things, this recent one is no exception.

During the conversation with my friend, he asked me what happened last night that lead to the early demise of the romance. I told him I was the one who brought about the demise..

Yesterday when I went out with my romantic interest, I noticed that he was being unusually distant. I kept trying to strike conversations, but all lead to dead ends. At the dinner, I asked him again what was bothering him, he told me he felt bored. I told him being with him was all that was required to make me happy, boringness was not an issue to me, and from that he retorted, it was meaningless to do something when it was boring.

At which point, I brought up the questions to him, eg. what does he feel like doing that will make him happy? Does he know what he want? To which he answered, he did not know.

He asked, "Do you think we are compatible?".

"I'd like to think so," I replied.

He said I was being too accommodating to him, cos I always asked and followed his preferences, he thought that I had no self opinion. I told him it was not so, I do have my own opinions. But I guess he only saw my attempts at being nice to him as a weakness, and not a merit.

I told him about my frustrations on not knowing how to make him happy because he kept most things to himself, about him avoiding eye contacts with me, about him not feeling happy when he was out with me.

I suggested to him that perhaps he already knew I was not the one for him, that he was just being too nice to reject me after all the sweet memories we had been through together. I understood his situation because I was in the same shoe with my ex last time, I wanted so much for a relationship that time with my ex that I tried so hard to convince myself to give it a try when the fact was that deep inside I already knew my ex was not the one I was looking for. I only broke up with my ex after he forced me into making a decision, something which I glad he did, because if he didn't, I think eventually the break up would still happen, and it would only bring us more misery in the end by avoiding to face the facts. Guess this time the role has reversed, I became the one who was hoping for the impossible.

At this point of the recount, my friend commented that perhaps I was being too hasty in baring so much on the table after just one month of dating. I replied my friend, I would really have liked to continue living in the fairy tale had my romantic interest not being so cold yesterday until it felt to me like walking with a hesitant stranger. Love/relationship/dating is not a one man's effort, if it brings no happiness, why do it, right?

Throughout the romance, I was constantly reminded of my romantic interest's distaste in 'shampoo boys' and 'lala boys'. During the NYE's countdown at LQ, he called the place 'junk' and boring. This brings me to another fact that I learnt from this romance.

Apparently there is a class distinction between those who live in PJ and those who live in non-PJ, specifically Cheras. Those from PJ are deemed as of higher class because they have better dress sense, speak good English and are generally more mentally sophisticated from their lower class counterparts living in Cheras, where most of the 'lala boys' are known to come from.

One of my Cheras friend had some rather nasty things to say about PJ guys, because his ex was one. He generalised PJ guys as snotty and pretentious. I wouldn't go so far as labelling all PJ guys as such, but from my own experiences, most unfortunately happened to be as described to a certain degree. One PJ guy even told me straight at the face that he would think twice if a guy introduced himself as one from Cheras, this is how serious the class distinction can be.

But you know what? The friend whom I just had the consultation session with was from PJ as well, and he had none of the above characteristics, other than the fact that he speaks mainly English. He even acknowledged the funnily accented English PJ guys seem to crave on. Heck, I even picked this funny practise up from my romantic interest, but of course, I tried not to consciously put too much accent for fear of ridiculing myself.

The thing with this PJ/Cheras class division is that, given the fact that majority of people in PJ are English educated and of higher income class, where else guys in Cheras are mostly those from poorer family or from out of city, it is no wonder the division exists, but to have such strong bias towards either one is like being racist or sexist. Why must we judge others by such qualities when the fact is that we don't choose the environment we grew up from, eg. some will be luckier than others. Gays are already a marginalised minority, by dividing ourselves further into such geographical classes, we would only marginalise ourselves even further.

My romantic interest had very exquisite tastes in everything, I felt inferior in many ways. He was always the one impeccably and tastefully dressed, the one who uses mostly high quality range of products; me in contrast had not always have the best of dress sense and could not care less about expensive brands of body care products. I could not help but think that perhaps when he said being incompatible, it included this part of our differences as well, that I simply do not appear as sophisticated as his taste.

Thus next time if you see me wearing designer labels from head to toe, you should know then how I had come to be a fashion slave :-P And at this point, my friend was commenting that I'm already trying to look for faults in my romantic interest to make myself feel better after losing him. Sadly I couldn't agree more. How else could I free myself from the urge to have a person if not with attempts to de-value him in my mind, that he is probably not worth it? I know this sounds very much self-comforting, but if it'll make me feel better and help me release myself from the grief, I really wouldn't mind.

I think I have written most of what had been going through my mind since the post-heartbreak reflection. One more thing to add would be, in the end I did not want to force my romantic interest into making a choice, in fact I told him I'd be very much willing to give it a try if he is willing to give it a try as well, and let things be open ended, for I obviously never wanted it to end. But now it's up to him, cos I think I have done my part and initiating any further attempts by me would be short of begging, which level even for someone like me who adores him so much is not ready to sink to yet.

"What was lost is found" is the last line of the song's lyrics. How very true I wish it could be.

06 > 07

2007-01-01T08:32:00.000+08:00

The first New Year's Eve that I did not join my usual friends for countdown, was the worst one I could ever hope to get.

I couldn't believe that I actually convinced him to dump me on NYE, since when have I became such a convincing guy?

From the pinnacle that was Christmas Eve, to this rock bottom that is now, I don't think I can fall any lower. My heart has gone beyond grief that I don't even feel grief anymore. I want to cry out loud, but my stupid ego prevents me so.

Was anyone surprised to see that this is coming? Guess not. Someone up there thinks 25 is too young an age to graduate from the endless suffering cycle of finding true love.

As maddening and crazy things went from extremely happy to extreme heartache in one short week, tell me if this isn't some sick joke to prove to me once again there really is no happy ending for me. Not now, not ever.

But after what's said and done, if I could turn back time, I'm not sure I would have chosen not to know him. For I did find happiness, even if it only survived for that very short time..

The Calm

2006-12-30T20:37:00.000+08:00

It's getting more difficult for me to continue in the happy story.

Doubts surfaced, and questions unanswered.. it's the familiar pattern of another story without an end.

It has been barely a month since we first met, perhaps he still isn't sure, perhaps he's already having second thoughts, or perhaps I'm just being too insecured and paranoid, but the thing is, I'm beginning to think for the worse from the way things turning from hot to cold lately.

I won't be surprised even if is really so, cos there are never guarantees, he can love you like you are the only thing that mattered, only to abandon you next when the flame has died down.

It's just sad really, that when others are ready to love you forever, you said you are not; and when you think you are ready to love forever, they are having second thoughts.

We have not said anything about love actually, just because of that two times of the word 'boyfriend' he mentioned so casually in his sentences, that I gave myself false hope into thinking this could actually be it, the be-all-end-all of my quest for the one whom I'll be walking happily together with for the rest of my life.

"Silly boy", one of my female colleague used to tease me. I guess I am.

Happy New Year and wish you all many happy returns.

Somewhere over the rainbow

2006-12-25T17:21:00.000+08:00

Not sure whether I could ask for a better Christmas than the one I just had, cos afterall, is there anything better than spending it with someone you like/love?

When I was wishing day and night for it to happen, the wait felt like an eternity, but when it really did happen, it felt like a small, tiny relunctant snowball, slowly gathering mass and momentum as it rolls down the snowy hill, and finally arriving like a huge avalanche, hitting me all at once in what felt like a split of a second.

Even after getting hit by this avalanche, I felt unreal, is it possible for things to be this good and yet still be real? All this time my experience taught me this simply could not be the case, but yet I can't help but grab onto this hope that maybe all this time I was just misled, that good things do come true to those who waited.

I want to believe.. that wishes do come true.

Merry Christmas, and may all be blessed on this magical day.

The Attainability Index

2006-12-21T23:40:00.000+08:00

The early stage of courtship, is what I find among the most difficult.

Some told me I should not show my interest too much early in this stage to avoid looking like one of those desperate guys. But I detest, how little interest should I show enough to let the other party know that I AM interested but yet not look desperate?

I'm in constant struggling and dilemma. Should I call him? Should I ask him out again? Should I text him after the meeting? Or should I wait for him to make the move and risk letting him misunderstood that I'm not interested? What if he is thinking the same and we ended up not going anywhere because we both were too afraid to make the first move?

I came up with a formula:

Attainability Index X Desirability Index

The more attainable you seem, the less desirable others might find you, and vice versa.
So in order to maximize your desirability, you should minimize your attainability. The question again is, how unattainable should you be before others find you to be totally unattainable and hence causing a backfire effect?

It's often agonizing to try acting so cool in front of someone you like so tremendously that I wonder why do we do such things that betray our true feelings.

I think we are all pretty much insecured these days, for I feel awfully fearful whenever I fall for someone. The better things seem to go, the greater my fear becomes, because I feel the more I gain, the more I have to lose.

Yet still, it does not stop me from keep wanting for that elusive thing called love..

All I want for Christmas is you

2006-12-16T01:49:00.000+08:00

As cliche as my Christmas wishes sound, they are really what I wanted.

To my friend who was angry and confused by his ex, remember that the reason we can see the faults in others, is because we ourselves share those same faults. If you really (and still do) love him, accept him as who he is and continue to love no matter what, because in the end what matters is to know that you loved with no remorse. And thanks for your flattering words, I finally understood who that guy you mentioned was lol. Never really expected you noticed, but am glad you did nevertheless.

To my friend who is as sentimental as me, love is easy when all is still in the mind, if it's meant to happen, it will happen eventually, no power nor force could stop it. Keep your passion for love alive as long as you live, and I'm sure you'll find good use for it in no time.

To my friend whom I have waited for an eternity, I realized that no one should suffer distance alone, cos if one does, there probably isn't anything worth waiting for at the other end.

To the rest of my friends who have been dropping by this blog every once in a while, I regret to have not been able to keep in touch with you often enough that this blog has became the only bridge between us. Be assured that I do take comfort in knowing that there are those who are still willing cross this bridge, let's hope that we do meet again on an actual bridge someday.

Keep those sappy Christmas songs coming ;-)

Let it snow

2006-12-11T23:39:00.000+08:00

Good ol' Christmas is here again, just thinking about it makes me warm and giddy inside :-D

Call me a romantic idiot, but do you know what's one my lifetime dreams? To spend a white Christmas at Paris or New York with the one I love. Somehow these two cities just pop into my mind whenever I think about romantic getaways, yea thanks to all those Hollywood movies :-P

But I guess in order to reach that dream, I need both money and a 'someone'. Well, money is easy (yea right..), but 'someone'? I'd have much better chance becoming a millionaire (yea riiight..) ;-)

How to survive a Sunday

2006-12-10T15:32:00.000+08:00

I finally got a text reply from him. He was busy last night, so only replied me today afternoon. I told him to text me again later tonight after his dinner if he still wishes to meet up.

I'm still unsure how he feels about me, but I'm sure how I feel about him now and here. When you really like someone, you'll feel like you want to do everything with him, you'll feel like you want him by your side every moment of the day. I guess I really like him.

So I'll have to wait until this evening to know whether Lady Luck smiles on me this time.
What better way to spend the lonely Sunday afternoon (with lovely weather) than watching a romantic flick like 'The Lake House'? Boy did it do wonders to my romantic pysche, it gave me just the enough doses of hope in romance again, probably to survive through tonight.

Ok, hope you had a better Sunday, and wish me luck :-)

Deja vu

2006-12-09T01:46:00.001+08:00

You know I'm gonna talk about the movie didn't you? :-P Well, I have to be honest and say that I did watch the movie just few hours ago, found it not as bad as I originally thought it would be. Loopholes in the plot aplenty yes, but still watchable for me.

There's another reason why I chose this title though, mostly to do with what was happening to me recently. All the symptoms and emotions were just too familiar to be ignored, eg. the constant mood swings, the pessimistic thoughts, the doubts, the hopeful checks for sms on the mobile, the extra sensitivity towards sentimental songs, the images of someone constantly popping up in the mind..

There are things which always go the opposite direction you want it to go, my luck with guys seem to be among such things. The more I want something to happen, the lesser chance it has of actually happening; and most often the more I didn't want something to happen, happen it did in the end. Irony? Maybe, but I just find it kinda sad actually.

When would I be able to break free from this neverending cycle of hopefuls and disappointments? One day I'm gonna be at an age when I would look back at all these countless people that have went through my life, how many would I still be able to remember? How many actually mattered to me? Will there be anyone left in the end that's gonna lean against me and ask me to hold his hands?

I'd like to think that the reason I've been single most of the time isn't always my choosiness, but rather the fact that I have not met anyone who can love me as much as I love him.
It's really that simple, to me at least :-)

Against the odds

2006-12-05T00:47:00.001+08:00

A: What type of guys do you like?

J: Uhm..

A: So you are ok with any type?

J: No, not any type..

(Actually what I really really wanted to say was, "You are one of the types", but what shy person would say that in the first meeting?)

I'm now again in a catch-22. Scared of having hope, cos I've failed so many times I'd be a fool to put myself into that kind of misery again. But then if I don't give it a try, I might regret for the rest of my life.

I realise I'm getting more and more terrified allowing myself to give a try these days, cos every subsequent failures just make it that much more harder to try it again the next time.

The formula so far seems to be - The more I like someone, the less chance of success I have.

With this kind of a success rate, can you really blame me for being such negative? :-(

On another note, after fooling myself that I might have a chance for all these while, I have finally deleted S from my messenger list, cos this way I won't be tempted to click him anymore and I think I've clicked him enough times so far to know my clicks don't really work the way I hoped they do lol. Hopefully this time I can just be done with S once and for all and move on, for real :-)

The fanciful fool

2006-11-25T19:26:00.000+08:00

For those who love thrilling, impactful, twisted and wonderfully executed movies, I recommend the 2003 Korean flick titled 'Old Boy'. Once you watched it, you'll find it hard to forget :-) Other than importing the DVD from other countries, your best bet would be downloading through BT. The soundtrack is incredible, most suiting for the movie.

The latest James Bond outing 'Casino Royale' was not bad, Daniel could use more warming up to the character, but otherwise he's quite alright even without those classical suave looks (thanks in large to that well built bod). Eva managed to be both stylishly cool and lovely, I'd fall for her if I was straight. For some reason, I find myself liking the theme song 'You know my name', and for some reason, the opening credit scene was both amusing and creative in a way :-P

Someone told me that I must have a lot of time to write all these journals/blogs/diaries of mine. It's actually not that I have the time, I just happen to be willing to spend what's left of my waking hours to write them. Often I wish there were more than 24 hours in a day, cos seriously 24 hours is just not enough for me. There were times when I actually wrote some of the entries until wee hours into the morning. There are things which I don't like leaving hanging mid-way unfinished, and blogging is one of them, cos most of the time I write with some degree of inspiration, it just doesn't feel the same the next time I write.

I really appreciate it everytime someone messages me telling me how they liked reading some of my blogs. The joy was being able to share with others my thoughts and knowing that they were able to identify with it. Some say they don't understand what I'm writing about, cos I tend to write in cryptic sentences, and it's really quite true lol. I guess I'm just not the kind who likes to be too direct, I find it more satisfying when someone could understand what I meant without having me describe everything in barenakedness.

Someone also commented to me about the often depressing nature of my blogs. "Do you not have any happy experiences?", was somewhere along the lines of what he said. Writing is one of my way to de-stress and help sort out what's on my mind (which sometimes can be a lot :-P). Not that most of the time I'm suicidally depressed, it's just that strong emotions are usually the trigger and inspiration for me to write, hence the somewhat sad tones of my blogs.

Sometimes others might preceive me as arrogant, ignorant or not like to give a damn to anything, actually it's really not my intention to be preceived as such. In fact, you can be sure that I do care about most things, the fact that I'm not showing doesn't mean I don't care. It's just that my own nature often encourages me to avoid any unnecessary attachments as much as possible, I don't like being in relationships which are complicated. I really am just quite a simple guy, it's very easy to see through me if you pay enough attention. If I like you enough, I'll go all the way to even make myself a fool just to please you. If you find yourself being the one who's trying to please me, its probably that I'm not attracted to you enough to make things easier for you. I'm really sorry if this is the case.

I usually find it hard to reject someone by telling them directly, cos I can't bring myself to see the reaction of others being rejected. Perhaps I should save them from possibly additional pain by just being direct, but for the moment I guess this would be something I need to work on.

If I look like a fool to you, it's cos only a fool isn't afraid to fail.

Till death do us apart..

2006-11-14T02:00:00.000+08:00

Met a friend lately who have just lost a loved one to an accident.

I myself have not lost any person close to me before, so I don't think I can imagine a fraction of the pain that one goes through following the lost.

But as he was sitting there on the sofa, talking about the lost, I can't help but imagine the degree of loneliness and grief he's been through every night at the place where they spent the last 3 years together.

A tinge of envy, for obviously they loved each other so much.

A pinch of regret, for obviously I shouldn't be envious of others' sufferings.

A flash of realization, for although death comes to each of us, each of us lives on through others.

We all know where the road of life ultimately leads to. Perhaps to live is to learn to accept death, to accept the fact that there is no second chance in life and what we do during our limited time here is what that counts.

The Magicians

2006-11-09T01:13:00.000+08:00

Magicians are adept at playing tricks which fool the minds of others into believing what is not real. Appearing out of and vanishing into thin air are one of their specialties.

Most of us are magicians in our own rights, cos we like to appear out of nowhere into somebody else's life for a period and play the vanishing act sometime after.

Sometimes we became so good at such tricks that we have forgotten how it felt to be the one that the trick was played on.

As good a magician as we are, there comes a time, when every magician would meet his equal and for once be the one who got to witness the tricked played on him.

So, have you met your equal yet? Cos I have lost count of mine :-)

When you think you have nothing

2006-11-07T01:53:00.000+08:00

Be glad to know that you are almost always wrong,
cos you have so many things right in front of you,
that you probably won't know you had until you have lost them.

When you think there's no hope for happiness,
be glad to know that being able to live to see tomorrow come,
is a reason enough to be happy,
for as long as there's tomorrow,
there's hope.

When you think you are the loneliest person in the whole world,
be glad to know that this writer was the first to be there,
so you're not really alone ;-)

The Sand Country

2006-10-20T15:58:00.000+08:00

In 12 hours I'll be flying off this land of dryness and sand.

The weather has turned slightly cold since yesterday, hovering around 26 degrees.

This place is more than what I imagined it to be: the dryness, the sand, the noise, the scents, the people..

Things seem to work in an inorganized and chaotic way here. Just a different way of life perhaps.

When it seems like there are not much law enforcements, almost every shop in the shopping mall there's a guard in them.

When it seems like there are many impressive modern architectures everywhere, there are also old men, homeless women and small little kids begging, selling and sleeping in front of the impressive buildings.

There was this time I was in a posh western chain restaurent here, a bunch of (fairly rich I presumed) local little kids were having a birthday bash party with big presents wrapped in shiny papers and everyone served with huge burgers and entertained by clowns inside the restaurent, when I could see just across the road outside the restaurent, where there were a bunch of hair unkept, unbathed, little fed and skinny little kids wearing torn dirty clothes sitting with their mother sharing a small cup of water among the omnipresent sand in the dark evening.

Sometimes I pity them, sometimes I loathe them, and sometimes I admire them. Eventhough I came from a country where I have lived with their distant kins all my life, these people from this sand country feel very different from the ones back at home.

There are just as many magnificent architectures and great sceneries to be found in this land that sometimes give off the impression of poorness. Although it can be difficult to find and appreciate it's beautiful side, when they are found, one can hardly forget them.

Senses of Love

2006-09-30T00:24:00.000+08:00

There I was just hours' ago, standing in front of the TV in the gym, watching this movie again which I have watched before a long time ago, 'Mr. Holland's Opus'. Only this time I am older and a different kind of emotion swept over me as I revisited the familiar characters on the TV screen.

The audio was not audible, but I could easily understood what was happening on the screen as bits and pieces of the movie's plot came back to me.

I liked the movie back then when I watched it for the first time, I guess it had such a deep impact on me, that I was automatically drawn to the TV the moment I recognized that it was showing 'Mr. Holland's Opus'.

*** Spoiler ahead! ***

Holland is a talented musician who by chance became the music teacher of a high school, in the process he inspired the students to pick up music through his affectious passion in music. But the ironiest thing happened when his new born child was discovered to be deaf.

The movie showed the struggles of Holland accepting the cruel fact, and how his relationship with his wife and child became strained due to that.

For those interested in reading more about the movie, check out this review:
http://www.filethirteen.com/reviews/mrholland/mrholland.htm

The first surprise while re-watching parts of this movie again was that I noticed the recently famous Terence Howard was actually in it! Boy was he young (and slim) that time, lol.

Second surprise was discovering how much more emotionally affected I had become by the portion of the story involving the deaf child of Holland in the movie, most probably due to my personal involvement with a hearing-impaired friend recently.

I believe part of Holland's greatest grief was that his only child not being able to appreciate and understand Holland's greatest gift, that is music. But as the movie's ending shows, we do not always need any particular sense to feel love, other than the ability to receive love and love in return.

*** End of spoiler ***

I saw a documentary once, about a man who lost the ability to love after a car accident, because the part of his brain which enables him to feel attachments (affection, love) was damaged. I didn't even know such a part of the brain existed before watching this documentary. But apparently it does exist and again it shows just how dependable we are on our delicate bodies to remain 'human'.

The man was a really loving husband and father before the accident, but now he is talking of leaving the family because he didn't want to burden them any further. The documentary interviewed the wife and child, I could not find any word to express my feeling watching the wife on the TV suffering in silent grief and clinging to desperate optimism in hope that the husband would eventually learn back to love her and the child.

Anyway back to Mr Holland, it prompted me to think about what our five senses mean to us in the appreciation of this world. For those who are born with four or less senses, how do we explain what the other senses mean to them? What's red? What's blue? What's Do Re Mi?

And a question striked me, does having less sense(s) make them less dependent on physical traits when it comes to falling in love with someone? Would a sight-impaired person not need to care about how his lover look like? Would a hearing-impaired person not need to know how his lover sound like?

Let us project this situation to a gay who is sight or hearing-impaired, assuming he does not fancy guys who are 'less macho', what happens when he meets someone who acts straight but actually sounds like a sister, or someone who sounds very macho but actually likes to do 'catwalks'?

Maybe this gay guy would fall in love with the 'less macho' lover because he does not possess all the senses to realise the sissiness side of the lover. So in this case, it is not that he is less superficial, it's just that he is not able to 'see' the whole package.

I'm not sure whether I am the only known person who is so superficial, because I realise that I tend to need the agreement of all my five senses to decide on whether a guy attracts me. He has to look attractive, sound attractive, smell attractive, feel (touch) attractive and taste attractive. Is it really because I'm still too young to look past all these?

Of course, I'm all for good character (inner beauty) too, but maybe my mind has been totally brainwashed by the media culture (yes, we are taught to to blame the environment :-P), I am too used to the enjoyment of my senses that I could not possibly look past the outer shell and just appreciate the inner beauty of a lover.

The other morning, I was in the train, squeezing along with the crowd as usual, standing next to me was this short handsome guy, leaning against the edge of the train's door for support. I stretched out my hand to grab on the supporting bar just over his shoulder and accidentally brushed past his hair. At that split of a second, he instictly waved his hand around his head as if trying to chase away a fly. I was thinking, isn't he a bit sensitive?

And then I looked down, there they were, the two unmistakably white sticks folded and hung around his waist. He was sight-impaired.

He had the clearest brown eyes, gazing out of the door's glass, as if looking into somewhere infinity. To me, usually most of the sight/hearing impaired people always seem to be much more jovial than the regular folks (perhaps due to them understanding more of the need to think optimistic). But not this guy. He looked as though he had the greatest burden in his mind. And for some reason, I felt sorry for him, all the while thinking, "Does he know that he really is a sweet looking guy?". Yea, I'm afraid this was all I could think of in that moment of deep reflection, lol.

But now I wondered, would I have given the same amount of attention and thought to him had he been less physically attractive? Guess the disappointing answer was not hard to figure out.

The more I think about this annoying superficial trait of mine, the more I'm beginning to think less of myself, so I'm just gonna stop here and save me the agony of any further self-deprecation.

Afterall it's a Friday, I should be enjoying it! :-)

Be De Bu

2006-09-26T02:57:00.000+08:00

No, I wasn't trying to be cute, lol. But nevertheless it sounded incredibly cute to me when it came out from him.

"Beh Deh Boo" was not exactly the sound that was made, but more like the kind of sound that sounded like to me when he tried to talk.

"Im not sure if u know that Im hearing impaired?"

"Nope I didn't know that, but its perfectly alright wif me :-) U can read my lips n body language?"

"Cool man. I can lip reading and body language if stuck so write down there ve no prob with u but its up to u cheer mate"

Yes, he was hearing impaired and could barely speak. Sometimes I could see that he tried hard to answer my questions in short vocal answers, but to me most of the time they all sounded like some cute baby speech from him, which I found very endearing.

"Were you born like this?"

"Yes, but life goes on"

Then he flashed that unforgettable smile of his.

I only got to know of his impairment just before we met. But it was really the least worry on my mind, cos I was more worried that he might not like what he sees.

The moment he arrived at my table, I think I have forgotten how to breath, not to mention remove my eyes from him. I'm not afraid to admit that I was really lovestruck then, cos he obviously had the face of an angel. To me, anyone as cute as him can only be found in the heavens.

The night went on, cold rain was drizzling outside the pub, but from where I sit I could feel the warmth from him and his occasional heavy breathing due to his wheezing condition, which in a way gave out a strong feeling of presence from him.

On our way out, I noticed that he did not bring any sweaters or jackets. He wore a simple but trendy and young looking collared t-shirt with jeans. We showed each other our handphones again.

"You are not cold?"

"Nope not cold, I'm a local remember?"

He flexed out those sexy biceps from his lean body of a 25 yo and gave a sheepish grin. Again, that unforgettable smile of his.

The next day he went out of the country for about 11 days. Yes I was quite disappointed that he had to be away during this particular period, but I had no choice but to secretly count the days while he was away.

When he finally came back, we met for the second time. During the 11 days, I took the opportunity to learn some simple sign languages. Perhaps I thought I could show him that I cared.

"I'm up for anything, your choice"

"What say we go to that Japanese restaurent?"

"Perfect ! See you there"

Actually the only word I remembered perfectly from the mobile text conversation was the word 'Perfect !', I was really happy that he liked the idea.

He arrived in a long sleeved white shirt with checkered lines and a pair of jeans, I'm not even sure what more superlatives I can use to describe how attractive he was that night.

I had to be dreaming.

"Do you dance?"

"Sometimes, I can follow the vibrations on the floor"

I wished there was a dance floor there in the Japanese restaurent.

At one point, I asked him whether I could keep the stacks of papers we have written throughout our conversations.

"You wish! :-)"

"Why not? You are going to throw them anyway right?"

"Yes, but speaking people do not record their conversations right? So this should not be any different"

Now why didn't I think of that? Needless to say, after listening to his point, I was ashamed to have even suggested it in the first place, lol.

The music and night went on, turned out to be one of my most unforgettable dream.

Before I had to leave for good, I left him a note, hoping he'll keep in touch, although I knew it was probably not what he had in mind. As innocent as he seemed to me, he had his own world and dreams, I was but a guest rubbing shoulders with his on our roads of life which crossed paths for a short time.

In the end I realised, perhaps good things are never meant to last forever, because if we had everything we wanted, we'd have nothing to dream for but nightmares from the fear of losing what we have.

Nowadays whenever I hear a nice song, I'll think of him. If only I could share this wonderful gift with him.

Three Lives

2006-09-11T04:07:00.000+08:00

Just touched down at Kuala Lumpur 6 hours ago.

And I'm supposed to wake up for work in about 4 hours' time.

Oh goody.

Luckily I had some sleep on the 13 hrs flight from London to KL, and it's been on my mind, wanting to write down these thoughts of Europe while they are still fresh on my mind.

My visit to three countries, felt like three lifetimes.

My first life started in a medieval country, where fairies and leprachauns still live among the common folks. Green is everywhere, sprinkled with the redness of the hair, pinkness of the complexion and emerald blue of the eyes of the handsome locals. I learnt to appreciate the beauty of silence through a friend, who will always remind me of the wonderful moments I had in this lifetime.

Second life started as I bid a soundless goodbye to Green with a gentle kiss on his hands. And I stepped into this new world of yellow and blue, a utopia built on countless interconnecting islands. The beauty is almost unparalled, as if I'm living in a movie set of old magnificent constructions built on futuristic landscapes. The people who live here are highly fashioned, blonde in hair, pale in skin, with a piercing blueness in their eyes. These inheritors of this utopia speak a language which is not of my own, and they talked about things which are still but dreams to many other worlds. My utopian friend tried his best to make me feel welcomed, but perhaps I found myself not belonging there, for I hope much, even for a utopian.

And with heavy thoughts and hugs, I left the yellow and went into the brown. This third life is in a world of unexpectedly gritty and old. Yet do not let such deceptive exteriors fool you, for the brown haired, fair skinned and grey blue eyed people here are not mere remnants of an old civilization, they are keepers of the sacred relics, tradition and knowledge. They practise one of the highest level of culinary art, the wonderful tastes which I had experienced will never be forgotten no matter how many lifetimes I've been through. It is here I found myself rediscovering the essence of romance, the love for knowledge and the path to a fulfilled life. I left this life by rememberance of the immense love bestowed to me by Brown, he who is always cheerful, loving and unselfishly caring.

With these, I end my thoughts of the journey through the three lives which I've had the pleasure to have. All three lives are very different, yet they have all enriched me in many ways.

Happiness

2006-08-22T18:53:00.000+08:00

I've been in Dublin for a week now.

First impression was the vastness and greenery of the land. Castles, parks and pubs, a refreshing change from the Asian environment of Malaysia.

What a wide mix of people here, they come from almost anywhere of the world. In a way it feels very globalised, but at the same time, the moment you walk into the pubs, it sort of brings back the realisation that this is Ireland afterall. I really enjoyed the atmosphere of the pubs here.

While it's not pretty sight everywhere, this first European country I stepped foot on had me falling in love with Europe already. I guess that's why some westerners like Asia, cos despite of the globalisation, the fact is that we are still very much different from each other, and for some reason people sometimes crave for things that are the total opposite of them.

Most important of all, being in this part of the world where most populance are fair skinned, with brown/red/grey hair and blue/emerald eyes, had finally affirmed my taste in men.

No doubt, I like Asians too, but it's just not as easy to find one that I like anymore.

An experience during my stay here reminded me of the movie 'Lost in Translation'. We constantly search for happiness throughout our lives, but for some of us, true happiness only come in fleetingly short periods, often at times which we might least expect and possibly in restricted situations where we have no control of.

My life is like a series of Happy Meals, the happiness comes once in a while and always lasted only for the duration of the meal, after which I'm left with a hungrier stomach. Obviously if I had a choice, I would not have prefered Happy Meals, my stomach would instead be constantly full and I would be constantly happy. But alas it would seem I'm not granted a budget for such a lifetime fullfillment, perhaps I should be content for even being able to have the occasional Happy Meals.

I found a part of that elusive happiness of mine in this faraway land from home. The happiness was no doubt short lived partly due to the short nature of my stay here. But it is enough to have me realise where I can find it and where I should work for towards a possible chance at a Happy Ending :-)

Purpose

2006-07-30T19:01:00.000+08:00

In continuation of my previous entry..

It's a strange feeling sometimes, when I think of the purpose I am here in this world. Is it arrogant to think that I, a mere individual in this infinitely (well almost) huge cosmos, has a purpose in the 'grand scheme of things'?

Or maybe I am somewhat misguided for keep thinking that I have a purpose here? Could it be that there is actually no true purpose in this existence of mine? That I in fact has a defective logic which has lead me to believe that I am actually 'special'?

It's possible that all these thinking of purpose and whatnots may actually be ways I'm using to escape from the reality. I needed to think that there is more to my existence here than just my foolish efforts of looking for Mr. Perfect.

Well, seems like the root problem boils down again to finding a partner isnt' it? How perdictable of me eh? LOL.

Sometimes I realize it's a waste of time to think about things that are beyond my understanding, like the cosmos and stuff (duh! :-P), but you know, when you are like me who has nothing else to look forward to other than chatting with a middle-aged guy living halfway across the globe and who probably isn't looking for what I'm looking for, the impossibility of understanding the cosmos actually feels like the easier thing to do :-)

The Ultimate Question

2006-07-30T05:41:00.000+08:00

Just came back from watching 'Lady in the Water'. Like many other movies, I read the reviews before going to watch this one, and although the majority of the people who watched it did not like it, there are some who liked it very much, so I thought what the heck I'll still go ahead and watch anyway, cos the premise of the movie is interesting enough to pique my interest.

* Spoiler ahead! *

Half-way through the movie, I knew I liked it already. It has the right dose of humour, the adrenaline moments, as well as the many metaphors that I could resonate so much. I think I could understand why a lot of people could not see past the simple plot of this story, to them this is probably just about a fairytale brought forth to the reality and how people would react to it. The fact that the whole plot is played out straight just like a fairytale (without any of Night's signature end-twists) probably is what bored most people.

The other reason why I liked the movie is because I really liked the Healer character. He's the kind of guy whom I can imagine myself falling for, lol. Something about him being a silently grieving (who does not feel the need to tell the world that he is suffering) and funny (in an adorable way) guy make him very appealing to me.

I think the very fact that this movie plays out just like a fairytale without any pretension of being a horror movie or action movie is what makes it's undertone messages all the more clearer to me. It even pokes fun of itself from time to time with some very obvious clicheness of the genre, like the kid who does his intrepertations from the cereal boxes and the non-logical plots, which by the way is exactly what a fairytale is about!

I'm very much drawn towards the themes conveyed throughout this movie, because they reflect what I (and I believe many other people) have been pondering all these time: why is faith important and what is our purpose in life.

* End of spoiler*

As we got to know more and more things about our universe with the discoveries of science, we kind of out-grown the many mysteries and wonders that used to fuel our imagination. The result is that we gradually lose our own sense of wonder towards this world we live in. Nowadays people think fairytales are just for kids, or for those who can't cope with the harshness of reality.

In the movie some of the characters admitted that they wanted to believe in the fairytales. Personally I think it would be a very boring world to live in if we could explain everything with science and predict the outcome of everything by applying the law of physics.

Do you know why we need to believe in something that defies science? Because if we believe science to be the tautology of all things, then there is no purpose for us to be in this world, for according to science there is no continuation of life after death, upon death, we would just cease to exist from this universe. In this case, does ANYTHING matter after we past away?

Nothing matters. Cos we no longer exist and whatever happens to Earth or anyone we knew or loved are of no longer importance. To us who are dead, there is nothing.

We came from nothing and we returned to nothing.

This is what I call the 'Centre of universe theory', we ourselves are the centre of our own universe, when we died and returned to nothing, so does our own universe, because without our perception of the universe, there is no universe (think I repeated the word 'universe' too many times lol).

Here is where faith comes in, i.e. religions (or what I call fairytales with a heavy moral tone :-P). We know many religions (if not all) believe in the continuation of life after death. Why so?

Because only with the belief that Earth and the rest of the universe still exists after we died, can we justify that we have a purpose of being here. You see, in this 'Perpetual universe theory', we all play a part in the evolution of this universe, regardless of how small a fraction that might be. What we did during our lifetime here on Earth will leave a mark and will create many many micro 'ripple effects' on either people or events. I'm sure you have heard of the saying that 'the flapping of a butterfly's wings could cause a weather change on the other side of the globe' (or something similiar :-P)?

When you think about it, we humans have advanced so much beyond basic animal survival instinct compared to other animals on Earth, that we ponder the reason for our own existence. Do you think any other animals do that? Does a dog think about god and where it goes after death? Does a monkey think about the reason it exists?

So the question is, why are we even capable of thinking about our purpose in life? If our existence were meant to just propagate and participate in the grand evolution in this world like the rest of the animal kingdom, why do we possess this ability to think so much more beyond our own understanding of the universe?

I'm a person of logical deductions, as you can see, I seem to like to deduce a lot of such philosophical stuff on my free time, lol. Some people believe that there are things in this world that our mind would never be able to fully comprehend due to our inherent limit. Some people say that thinking too much into these philosophical theories will eventually make one insane someday, and I personally do agree to that, because if one is not careful and keep on dwelling too deep, he might not be able to break out of it and could actually lead to insanity. Like a recursive loop in programming, one might get stuck in the loop and never be able to get out.

Sometimes when I'm down, I think about all these purposes and meaning of life, and their relevency to me finding that elusive soulmate of mine. I don't know whether I even have one, but call it blind faith, I really want to believe that there does exist such a person out there.. somewhere :-)

Anger

2006-07-26T01:26:00.000+08:00

I'm angry with many things lately.

Angry with the fact that Reality decided to remind me of it's cruelty by sending someone in my apartment to steal my PDA from my room. I have lost more than just a PDA that night - a sense of security in the place where I sleep every night, and not to mention a huge chunk of faith in people.

Angry with Cupid for having me fall for those guys who tend to carry with them a bucket load of emotional baggage left from their previous ex-lovers/BFs. It seems as if all the nice guys have had their own share of great relationships and are just content on reminiscing their past.

Angry with myself for not being able to respond to the love from that sweet guy with the really nice heart because he's physically not my type. At many points how I wished I could have that 'outer-beauty reflect inner-beauty' magic spell from the movie 'Shallow Hal' cast on me, so that I can fall for all these guys who lack only the physical attraction.

Angry with those guys who asked me to add them in messengers but only to remain silent when they are online, and are so passive in having a chat. So why ask in the first place?

Angry with that bastard who parked his bike at the pedestrian walking path next to the road and gave my leg a second degree burn with that extreme hot exhaust pipe of his bike when I stepped back from the road with my back facing the bike (phew, a mouthfull description isn't it? :-P).

Angry for never being able to have enough sleep lately. Where did all the time go?

25 is young too

2006-07-16T17:37:00.000+08:00

Was browsing a local gay forum, came across an interesting topic on the reason why lately there has been an exponentially increase in juvenile/young gays.

My take on that would probably be two:

1. Higher gay visibility in modern times thanks to the Internet, heck I had once added a guy on the messenger only to find out that he was actually 14! Nothing more irritating than chatting with a kid who only knows to reply with 'LOL'!! Of course, I blocked him straight after giving him some of my self-righteous lecture, "Please for the love of god/parents go back and concentrate on your studies!" No, I don't hate kids, I just don't fancy the idea of dating one :-/

2. Popularisation of gay culture in the media, gradually lowering the tabooness of the subject, indirectly encouraging the gay-inclined young populance to embrace their possible gay identity.

Never underestimate these upcoming generations though, for the possibility of them causing harm to you might actually be higher than you to them. They are armed with the knowledge from the biggest resource in the world (the Internet) but yet they do not have enough conscience nor sensibility to stop them from testing the knowledge they learnt in whatever ways they could, all in the name of satisfying their curiosities. We were all young once, and I'm sure we all know how powerful a motivation curiosity can be.

I'm all for early education for the young, but I believe there are some things that one can only really truly understand upon maturity, and one of those things is sexual orientation. Look up the profiles, you will find plenty of those who are still confused even when they are already halfway through their lifetime!

So to all those nice lads who are < 21 years old, upon reading until here (assuming you bothered to read in the first place), you should know that you'd probably have a better chance with other profiles :-)

Fear

2006-07-04T00:20:00.000+08:00

I realised nowadays we tend to habour a lot of fears.

Fear of trying, because we have failed many times before.

Fear of believing, because we have been let down many times before.

Fear of being happy, because we know it will never last.

Fear of being loved, because we know it will probably never last too, or worse we might end up disappointing others.

Fear is our constant reminder that we are never free in this world, it's our self-imposed prison that holds us back from doing the things that we sometimes wished we could do.

My friend thinks Long Distance Relationship is impossible, because that would be the common sense.

Another friend is not sure whether the person he loves really want him or is just treating him as a convenient lover who can be called and dismissed whenever the lover likes.

And yet another friend who had 6 years LDR + 2 years living together with his ex (who in the end went back to the home country for another guy), still hangs on to hope that he might still have chance with his ex. He now doesn't know whether he should move on, cos he probably couldn't believe how 8 years of love (not to mention mainly LDR) could just be flushed down the drain like that.

The list goes on.. painful experiences and heart-breaking stories of others instill ever more fear into our collective consciousness.

We all have this constant struggling of wanting to do something against what would happen if we really did it, while time and opportunities probably slowly passing us by. By the time we made our decision, there is already no need for a decision.

You may be able to think of an infinite number of outcomes, but the fact is there won't be one unless you start acting on it.

The Chronic Cycle

2006-06-25T16:48:00.000+08:00

1. young guy looks for LTR ->

2. young guy bumps into older guy ->

3. older guy only looking for fun ->

4. young guy dissapointed ->

5. repeats 1 - 4 for some time ->

6. young guy gives up hope in LTR and starts looking only for fun ->

7. young guy becomes older guy ->

8. go back to 1

The Sign

2006-06-19T23:36:00.000+08:00

No, not the movie which everyone thought was not really about alien invasion but turned out to be alien invasion afterall, lol.

I'm talking about signs, those that I read off people all too much and to my dismay, all too correctly.

What happens after the first meeting always put me into nervous breakdown, especially when I found myself constantly thinking of the person whom I just met, and feel so eager to meet again.

Usually if someone doesn't really like me during the meeting, I can somewhat catch the cue, and I'll most probably going to forget about hoping for a second date and try to just keep it as pure friendship.

The problem is when someone gives out all the strong signals of liking me (or at least enjoying my company), being 'affectionate' to me and showing eagerness of seeing me again, but in the end said they were only looking for friends or didn't even bother to contact me again, well you can imagine how dissapointed I can be.

I understand some are like me, who likes to remain silent and hope that the other party will get the meaning that they are not interested any more eventually. I just realised how much a pain-in-the-ass this silence thing is for the suffering party.

I would usually take the sign that when the other party doesn't initiate any contact anymore or likes to end chats in a hurry, that they are no longer interested.

But sometimes you just don't feel like accepting the hard cold truth that you have come to derive yourself, and you ended up sending out some stupid (and potentially emotional) questions to the other party to confirm your feelings, which would usually end up either making a supposedly good relation turn sour, getting a flat out rejection or worse, more silence! :-)

I'm not totally against the use of silence, because it saves you from having to explain to countless admirers why you do not find them attractive enough.

But when you use silence for someone you no longer find desirable and you fear explaining will only cause more pain to the other party, well the sad truth is, silence is just almost as painful as any other words. I think it's almost akin to hiring a killer to do the dirty job for you.

Ok, think I've confused even myself of what I'm supposed to say here, lol. But anyway, I think I speak for myself when I say that,

"Mean what you say, and say what you mean. To me, affections should only be shown when you really like someone, not when you are horny."

Dangerous Liaisons

2006-06-08T21:32:00.000+08:00

I find it hard to maintain pure friendships with gay friends.

In a lot cases, it is either they befriend me with some hope for romantic/sex interest, or it is me who befriend them with some hope for romantic (rarely just sex :-P) interest.

It is actually quite hard to find someone who can be just friends, without any worries of further complications on sex or relationships.

Sometimes there are some friendships which I hope could go further into a relationship, but that comes the tricky part - I just don't know how the other person would react should I proceed to confess my feelings. Sometimes they made me felt like they like me more than as a friend, but other times they made me felt like I am but just a friend to them. Oh the confusion! LOL.

When I like a person, I can do a lot and give up a lot for him. All this while I have been hoping to look for the Mr. Right who could do the same for me. So far there were 3 such person, but the irony was that it was I who dissapointed them in the end, because as much as I enjoyed being loved by them, ultimately they were not the one I was looking for.

I tend to get emotionally attached quite easily, that's why in the end I get burnt easily. But in a way, I am also lucky in that I can detach quite easily as well, just that sometimes the pain is stronger and it takes longer to heal, forget and move on. I believe that, eventually time can heal most pains, if not all.

If you find me not replying you or not keeping in touch as often, probably it means I detected some romantic interest from you who I have no romantic interest in, and I do hope you'd understand and forgive me for taking such 'evasive maneuvers', because I just didn't want you to be even more dissapointed in the end.

Someone once commented that I sounded more mature than my age cos there are a lot of bitterness in my diaries. Yes, it is true I write mostly when I'm bitter, and when I needed to sort things out of my oftenly confused mind. But I think bitter is not always a bad thing.

Because without darkness, how can we appreciate light?

Bliss

2006-06-05T02:46:00.000+08:00

Recently I had my first try at artificial happiness.

It's like drunk, only difference was that I didn't throw up and I didn't have the overwhelming smell of alcohol, both of which I didn't miss too much.

For the first time I understood why people seek artificial happiness, whether it be the liquid from the bottle or the little beans from that small plastic bag.

It was bliss.

It was as if I have became another person, whose mental locks have been opened and somehow I found calmness, peace and contentment within myself.

During the aritificially induced happiness, I realized that I was rather fond of this other side of me, who was more outspoken, daring and fun. And yes, I could probably keep yakking until the sun comes out being in that state, lol.

Which brings me to my point, why is it that I could not be as outspoken, daring and fun during my normal self if that's the person I would like to be? Why can't I be as happy and carefree without being artificially influenced?

I'm a rather (some say) shy and uptight (some say cool :-P) guy in person, but in actual I've always wanted to be that bubbly-charismatic-outgoing-fun guy that I can only become when under the influence.

It might have been my upbringing, or it might have been many other reasons which caused me to put in all those mental locks and obstacles in my mind from being the person I want to be. Try as I may, but it's rather hard to change the mentality of a person, eventhough it's my own.

Something happened during this first time when I was under the influence, it was dissapointing at first, but later it turned out to be one of the nights I would not likely forget. I found something else during the period which I did not expect to find. My only regret was that I had to find it under such circumstance.

Despite all these, I still wouldn't condone the use of artificial happiness, because it is only a temporary solution and it always will be. Although it did help me realise how much more bliss I could have attained and how different I could have been without the mental chains, I sure hope to learn to find bliss and re-discover the fun part of me someday on my own, without any artificial tools perhaps :-)

The end of the road

2006-06-03T17:52:00.000+08:00

Recently I met up again with the guy whom I used to like so much that I wrote a love poem to him once.

Over the dinner, to much of my surprise, he told me he was engaged 1 month ago to a girl under a pre-arranged marriage by his parents, and they will be married probably sometime during end of the year.

After hearing the news, I was rather surprised to find that I was much calmer than I thought, perhaps it was because my crush for him had already ended long time ago in the past.

However now I am actually feeling sorry for him, because he told me altough he likes the girl, he has no love for her. The girl on the other hand, seems to love him and told him she doesn't mind that he does not love her now, cos she thinks that love may be developed later after their marriage.

I told him, I did not know people in this age and time still practise pre-arranged marriages, but he told me, he is not the only child in his family who got pre-arranged marriage, so it is actually quite a normal practise. Perhaps we came from a different cultural background, for him, he carries the responsibility of getting married, while in my case, marriage is not forced.

According to him, actually he was glad to have the pre-arranged marriage. I think maybe it's because it will save him the trouble of finding a girl to get married himself, cos as it is now, everything is already prepared for him, all he needs to do is to attend the wedding and be with his future wife every so often.

I must be honest and say that I do not really know what he wants, maybe he is a bisexual, seeing how he has had girlfriends in the past, but apparently he also likes playing with guys. I do not envy his wife, for from what I see, he is probably a confused person. He feels lonely, yet he doesn't know what is the cause, or perhaps he doesn't want to acknowledge what he really wants because he knows it is impossible for him to have.

Nevertheless, I wish him and his wife all the happiness, I sincerely hope the marriage and perhaps a family with his own children will help he find what has been alluding him all these time.

As for me, I am wondering what awaits me at the end of the road. At the moment, I am obesessed with finding my Mr. Right. So what happens after I have found my life partner? What will I be looking for then? Does having a life partner means I will live happily ever after? Will I not be sad again over the little things that bug me? Will I still look for even more things to worry about and aim for?

I have a friend who has found his perfect life partner, yet on online messenger he still sound like he's always frustrated with life. So I was just wondering, if having someone who loves you as much as you love him still cannot make you happy with your life, what will?

Will we ever feel contented?

Of crushes and jealousies; Of sex and casuality

2006-05-28T15:21:00.000+08:00

If I do not feel jealous when someone would rather spend time flirting with others than be with me,
I do not enjoy his company any more than the next guy.

If I do not feel jealous when someone would do something for someone else while take what I did for him as granted,
he does not mean enough to me for me to give a hoot.

If I do not feel jealous when someone re-tells me his sexual escapades,
I am not in love with him.

***

I used to be able to treat sex as a casual thing,
but nowadays I think I am slowly losing that ability.

Almost every profile I see,
the guys I fancy are just looking for sex.

The guys I don't fancy enough,
they want me for real.

Animals have sex to propagate,
we gays mostly have sex because it's fun.

How much of promiscuous sex is enough?
How much of fun is enough?

For some life is about enjoying ourselves to the fullest,
and having sex with as many different people as possible is part of the enjoyment.

Where and when does the fine line between making love and making sex become ambiguous?

This is why sex buddy arrangements will never work for me. To have sex with a person that many times, probably means I like him more than I thought.

The people I had ONS with, I had to make sure they are the kind I would never think twice about not seeing again. This is the only time I can say, "No strings attached".

Those whom I have had sex with and still remained friends is an extremely rare breed, because I think most of the time having had sex between friends makes the friendship very ambiguous. For one, I would never have sex with a normal friend. Which means if I had sex with a 'friend', it either means to me he is not just a friend, or that he's the kind of friend I would not likely be close with.

Maybe it's just my very sentimental view on sex, maybe sex is really what nature intended it to be - just a way to procreate without any 'feeling' attached.

Sometimes I can't believe I can have such holistic view on sex, I mean I'm a gay for Pete's sake! I am supposed to be able to enjoy it and not think twice about satisfying that libido anytime and anywhere I want.

Someone should really put some senses back into me :-P

The Boy From Onion Alley

2006-05-26T02:19:00.000+08:00

He hail from a home of snow,
Came here to get some sunny glow.

He is one of many friends and bedside lovers,
I am but one of the entry on his list of phone numbers.

It's a foolish thing to do,
Yet I can't help but fall.

Falling into him,
Falling into the swirling tide of his charisma and kindness.

The further I fall,
The more painful it is and the harder it is for me to hide my feeling.

Seeing him with those that he fancied,
My heart wretched beyond understanding.

Jealousy was in me,
Causing unnecessary pain onto me.

But after all that were said and done,
I would probably still do it all over again.

For all that were painful,
There were also wonders.

With him for the first time I felt contented,
As if my search for happiness has finally ended.

But if meeting him was like a dream,
Then now I have awaken.

Part of me wants to stay in that dream,
But the other part of me knows that dreams were never meant to be forever.

I am glad he had stopped by,
Even if it was just for a while.

Thank you for everything, ja :-)

Meaningful Relationships

2006-05-15T00:29:00.000+08:00

What constitutes to being 'meaningful'?

Or rather, is there any relationships that are not meaningful?

I guess in order to qualify as a relationship in the first place, it must have meant something to both parties at one point.

And this 'meaning' that I refer to, why is it so important to me? If a relationship is not meaningful, does it mean it's time wasting and we should regret going through it?

I believe everything that happens to us, has something to be learnt behind it, whether they be good or bad experience. Same goes for relationships, there can be good or bad relationships, but there are none that are 'meaningless'.

Oh, think I'm contradicting myself again lol.

Recent events have got me into re-thinking my definition of a relationship, maybe I am really not the kind who can maintain a long term relationship afterall? Eventhough I seem to have been craving for it for what seem like an eternity, and keep re-iterating the reason that I still have not found it is because I have not found my Mr. Right.

Could it be that after so many encounters with the devil, I myself have become the devil?

The Eager Truth

2006-04-29T16:11:00.000+08:00

Last night I dreamt of my ex-boss and my ex-colleagues from my ex-company.

Been a long time since I last dreamt of them.

My ex-boss was more than a father figure to me, perhaps more so now than ever.

In the dream that almost felt like real, he was glad to see me. He smiled warmly and asked me to join him for dinner.

I miss them.

And I miss him.

I believe some dreams are meant to remind us of the things that we might have forgotten, maybe this dream is one such.

A (Very Long) Fairytale

2006-04-22T01:36:00.000+08:00

The story begins when he first sent me a mail in an online profile website..

I did not really pay attention to him at first, and only replied his mails casually, because he did not seem to be 'my type' from the pictures he posted on his profile.

Somehow throughout the correspondence, we exchanged contact numbers, cos he seemed really interested in getting to know me.

After some periods of long silence and missed opportunities to meet up (mainly cos I wasn't really interested in meeting up), one day he sent me an sms asking to meet up with me.

And we finally got to meet.

It must had been one of the strangest things that had happened to me, because apparently he was one of those cute passerbys on the street whom I had seen quite a number times and somehow left such a deep impression in my mind that I recognized the familiar face the moment I saw him (hereafter to be refered to as the Cute Guy). It was quite a shock, as in "Oh my gawd, it's HIM!" and a very pleasent one at that.

So we chatted, over a fairly large range of topics, as I was quite into it, obviously due to the fact that I have had crushes on him even before I knew him (when I passed him by at some random places previously, at which point I still did not know he was gay, strange I know to be able to bump into somebody I don't even know for so many times, apparently KL is really not that big :-P).

In the course of the conversation, he mentioned a bit about his desire to venture into having his own business and asked me what do I think about doing my own business. I didn't give much thought about it and replied casually.

I was kinda surprised to find that during the course of our dinner chat, he bumped into quite a few of his friends there (which was a popular shopping centre). He invited one of his friends to stop by and joined our chat. And that was when things start to go a bit weird.

His friend begun to elaborate quite a bit on his experience of being a businessman, how he built up his own business and is now venturing into some other apparently very 'do-able' business venture.

After trying my best to give him my full attention listening to his experience, he left telling me to consider giving myself a chance to explore other opportunities. Although he did not really tell me what business venture he was involved in (he only mentioned an apparently quite famous organization with three letters, which I had no idea what it was about at that moment), but I sort of had an inkling that it may be one of those that involves some heavy 'people networking'.

Before walking to the train station with Cute Guy, he told me he'd like to stop by somewhere to take his bag. And arriving at that 'somewhere' (hereafter to be refered to as the HQ) finally helped me realised what the business venture Cute Guy and his friend were referring to. However it still gave me quite a bit of surprise, because I had been to one of the seminars organized by this business venture sometime back, thanks to my primary school mate (actually my purpose that time was just to have a reunion with the old school mate, but the school mate suggested to meet me at the seminar, so I went reluctantly), but I did not know it was related to this three-letter organization that Cute Guy is involved in.

After the detour to HQ, Cute Guy apparently noticed my lack of interest in the business venture and it seemed as if his attitude towards me became colder compared to before (could be just my imagination, but I am generally quite sensitive/over-sensitive towards other people's moods).

We stopped by for some light supper before heading towards the train station.

I tried to console myself that the coldness was probably cos Cute Guy was tired, so I kept my utmost optimistic character and bid farewell to him at the train station.

That night after reaching home, I did the usual stupid things I'd do when I meet someone I really like - I expressed my liking for him in sms. His reply was very vague at best, comprised of some laughing expressions and general avoidance of the 'more than friend' topic. I expressed my wish to see him again soon.

Two days later..

Cute Guy smsed me asking to meet me up after work. No doubt, I was only too happy to meet him again.

As the meeting approached, he gave me a call, asking me whether I mind going to the HQ to meet him instead of the earlier agreed place, cos he had some things to do there. My excitement to meet him took a dive, an uneasy feeling started to creep down my spine. I was beginning able to see where it was leading me, but I still said yes despite my reservations, cos I really wanted to see him again.

Arriving at HQ, he came to greet me and brought me into the building. He asked me whether I had my dinner, I said no, cos I thought I could have it with him. He seem surprised, and said he'd accompany me to have some light snacks first, and that he'll accompany me for a more proper dinner after he's done with his stuff at HQ.

During the light snack, he asked me whether it was ok for him to explain more of the business venture stuff to me, I said I was fine with it. Then he asked me, would I feel that he tricked me into listening to all these business venture stuff. I said no, and that I went with my own will (when the fact was that I was so into him that time I would have agreed to do anything for him).

After some detailed explanations of the business venture by his two seniors followed by an additional 2-hour seminar, I finally came out of the HQ tired, hungry and with a very full bladder, cos I was reluctant to leave the seminar half-way seeing how everyone there was so engrossed in the motivational talk and also I did not want to dissapoint Cute Guy (who I later noticed was actually no where to be found in the seminar). But I did notice some familiar faces I've seen before from the online profiles, apparently quite a number of 'people like us' are in such business, which I must say came as not much of a surprise, seeing how big of a 'network' we tend to make over time *cough*.

Coming out of the HQ, I met again with Cute Guy and we finally went for a proper dinner. He again seemed kinda cold, and I again try to convince myself that he was probably tired. He told me I shouldn't have left the seminar by myself leaving his senior behind, because it was his senior who brought me into the seminar. I apologized, explaining that I was trying to look for him as soon as the seminar ended, therefore I left without following his senior.

The subsequent conversations between us were interspaced with some awkward quiet moments, when I would feel kinda lost and not sure how I should go about chatting with his sometimes cold demeanor. I tried asking his opinion about the possibility of meeting again, but he always seem to give vague answers, although sometimes he does show like he was enjoying our interactions.

We parted at the train station.

After that, we managed to exchange a few sms. Until now, I'm still not sure whether the reason he asked to meet me up was because he was interested in getting to have us know each other better, or was he merely wanting to explore the possibility of me becoming his business partner.

The reason I'm detailing out this experience is not to criticize nor condemn these business ventures, but just to tell what happened as it is, you are free to have any of your own intrepertation and views about them. Personally I have nothing against such business ventures, except that I feel uneasy on the fact that they primarily use human relations as a mean of earning money.

Perhaps I am still considered old-fashioned, not being able to see the new light coming out of this new breed of business, clinging to my age-old concept of being contented by just being an average salaried joe.

I have been to a few of their seminars before (each of different companies), and to me it felt like attending a religious gathering, because most of the time there would be some prominent figures in the organizations who have earned a lot of money. These key figures would attain a god-like status in the organizations, worshipped by the members of the organization and becoming the ultimate role model. You will see that the members would be generally quite psyched up to becoming the next god, that they would attend the nightly gatherings and seminars religously, and that they would cheer and chant their mottos full of vigor. Is this really not like a religion?

Maybe it's the nature of current modern society, where people are so tired of everyday relationship strains, workplace politics, and they tend to look for a place where they can feel that they belong to, where people treats them like family, where they can have someone worthy of looking up to, and something to believe in. Such organizations based on 'people networking' provided these to them, especially to the more impressionable young crowds.

Yes, it is a proven fact that there are many who have made it to the riches doing such business ventures, yet if you ask me, I would rather not want to become a millionaire if it means I have to capitalise on my friends and families. I'm afraid of people looking at me as someone who just befriend them becos I want them to 'see the light' and join me together in becoming the next millionaire.

It is one thing to gain some benefits through human relationships (i.e. workplace politics), it is another thing to befriend someone just for the sake of earning more money, because if anything, friendships shouldn't be based on monetary values they can bring to you. You are my friend because it is you as a person I enjoy being with, not because you can help me buy that long desired Ferrari or Louis Vuitton bag.

Of course, I believe not all who joined the 'people networking' businesses look at human relationships as merely threads of monetary benefits, but the nature of such businesses tend to colour them in the same shade of hue, creating doubts in the minds of outsiders like me who really doesn't know when they are truly genuine in making friends, or just wanted to see whether they can sign me up as their business partners.

I sincerely apologize if I offended anyone who read this diary entry, again I would like to stress that it is not my intention to judge anyone or what they do, I am just trying to share a dilemma I recently faced that is related to such networking business and what I personally think of it. Anyone is free to make their own judgements. Maybe they might think I deserve to have such dilemma for it seems as if I fell into it self-knowingly (lust, anyone?), or maybe they might think I was just trying to whine about not being able to get the guy that I liked by blaming the networking business dehumanize people, etc..

This is called a fairytale, only because I really hoped it would turn out to be a fairytale in the beginning. But I guess I should have known my luck in such things :-P

Protector vs. Protected

2006-04-17T16:07:00.000+08:00

I usually project the image that I'm a top guy, and most of the time I am, because I don't like showing my vulnerability and being seen as the weaker one. Or, you can also say that I have an ego problem (*chuckles*, uhm I meant *ahem*).

I don't know about other gay men, whether those supposedly butch ones are really that butch both inside and outside, cos for me, I find myself divided between times when I wanted to protect someone and times when I wanted to be protected.

One popular question people tends to ask is whether one likes someone younger or older? For me, it doesn't really make much difference, because I had fell for both younger and older guys before. And whenever I am the older one, I tend to automatically switch to the 'protector' mode, where else when I am the younger one, I'll automatically switch to the 'protected' mode. I know this is probably due to the common notion that the older guy is supposed to take care of the younger one.

Nevertheless it makes me wonder, especially recently, do I really want to be the protector or the protected?

Frankly speaking, I enjoyed being in both roles (*cough*). But in a relationship, must it always be defined that one is the protector and the other is the protected?

Take straight couples for example, I'm sure most of the time the men would be the ones expected to take on the role of the 'protector' while the women would be the 'protected'. But is there really no point in time that the men would feel the need to be protected by their female companions as well?

I don't know how this topic came to me suddenly, seeing how my mind has been a total mess lately. I have reached the point where I think I have ran out of stuff to think, everything felt like recycled garbage to me - same ol' topics on love, sex and frustrations of everyday life.

For the first time in many many moons, I couldn't sleep well last night, and that landed me on a visit to the doctor the next day. I know my problem was I did not have enough sleep, yet tried as I may, I just couldn't fall asleep. My eyes are tired, my body is tired, but my mind is like running at 200 kmph.

Ok, think I better go make another try at the sleeping thing now, cos really don't want another MC tomorrow. It's raining outside, so I hope should be quite nice for sleeping :-)

Why do I care?

2006-04-11T03:36:00.000+08:00

Such a stupid and arrogant question, maybe that's why it never occured to me to find the answer until now.

It's time for me to lift the burden that I've subjected myself to all these while, a burden self-manifested from the constant desire of my heart to own the people I like.

I wanted to own their love, because I have always felt myself being deprived of it, deprived of the love from the people I desired most.

You know when you wanted something so much and so badly, you allow your whole mind and soul to be consumed by the desire to make it yours, and after a while you just forgot the reason why you wanted it in the first place.

Given enough time, eventually you'll be worn down, worn down by time and dissapointments only you yourself realise. And reason gradually starts to get through that thick layer of self-denial, and it suddenly hit you, why do you care when the fact is there is really nothing to care?

Everything is just in your mind, you put those desires there, you forced yourself to live by them without questioning why. At the end of the day, you realise you are but just a guest passing through their lives, a guest who has probably overstayed his welcome.

So move on please, by all means.

贪

2006-04-07T01:48:00.000+08:00

曾经以为不会再遇到另一个比S君让我更想拥有的伴侣，
但是原来贪是无止境的。

今天遇到个E君，
忽然间觉得更想拥有E君。

但可笑的是，
两个其实都是我可望而不可触的天使。

听起来应该会觉得我这个人蛮贪得无厌的吧，
没伴侣是应该的。

事实是，虽然只是一界凡人，但我还是很想得到，一个属于自己的天使。

***

無求甚麼　無尋甚麼
突破天地　但求夜深
奔波以後　能望見你
你可否　知道麼

平凡亦可　平淡亦可
自有天地　但求日出
清早到後　能望見你
那已經　很好過

當身邊的一切如風
是你讓我找到根蒂
不願離開　祗願留低
情是永不枯萎

而每過一天　每一天　這醉者
便愛你多些　再多些　至滿瀉
我發覺我最愛與你編寫 OH OH
以後明天的深夜

而每過一天　每一天　這醉者
便愛你多些　再多些　至滿瀉
我最愛你與我這生一起 OH OH
那懼明天風高路斜

名是甚麼　財是甚麼
是好滋味　但如在生
朝朝每夜　能望見你
那更加　的好過

而每過一天　每一天　這情深者
便愛你多些　然後再多一些
我最愛你與我這生一起 OH OH
那懼明天風高路斜

The sad affair of things

2006-04-05T00:17:00.000+08:00

It's demoralising,
Everytime you met someone you really liked and you thought might stand a chance with,
You have this tiny little joyous hope that maybe Lady Luck might shine on you this time,
Hope you are not the forsaken one destined to rot forever in singlehood,
That there maybe light afterall at the end of the tunnel,
Yet as soon as you make a move,
'Poof!' it goes your little bubble dream of hope and love and happiness.

Better luck next time boy.

Yes, utterly demoralising,
So many little hopes and dreams and imagination of happiness,
And as equally many 'poof's it feeds the ever growing misery upon each recall.

There reaches a point,
Where you feel defeated,
Demotivated,
Brought to your knees,
And you succumb to the fate brought to you.

That is when you start to believe in the sad affair of things, where happiness is but an illusion which shields us from the cruel truth that is - reality.

I wish I was the one who said,

2006-04-01T22:48:00.000+08:00

"Love is like reading a novel to me, some have 500 pages and some only 100 pages, but no matter how long the pages, just remember the parts tat you like (sweet memories).

That's my view of love, sometime I really don't dare to love because I know chances are I will be dissapointed and hurt.

No matter what life goes on, good bye and good nite and all the best to you.. John"

Electric Light Orchestra - Twilight

2006-04-01T20:47:00.000+08:00

- Prologue -
Just on the border of your waking mind
There lies... another time
Where darkness & light are one
And as you tread the halls of sanity
You feel so glad to be
Unable to go beyond
I have a message
From another time...

The visions dancing in my mind,
The early dawn the shades of time.
Twilight crawling through my window pane.
Am I awake or do I dream,
The strangest pictures I have seen,
Night is day and twilight's gone away.
With your head held high and your scarlet lies,
You came down to me from the open skies,
It's either real or it's a dream
There's nothing that is in between

Chorus
Twilight, I only meant to stay a while
Twilight, I gave you time to steal my mind
Away from me.

Across the night I saw your face
You disappeared without a trace
You brought me here but can you take me back.
Inside the image of your light
That now is day and once was night
You leave me here and then you go away.

Chorus

You brought me here but can you take me back again.
With your head held high and your scarlet lies,
You came down to me from the open skies,
It's either real or it's a dream
There's nothing that is in between

Chorus

- Electric Light Orchestra - Twilight Lyrics

Been a long time since I posted a lyrics diary entry, which I consider as the lamest of all diary types, but I really liked this song's lyrics, so here it is, went high and low to find it and ripped unapologetically without any permission from here.

Encounter of the love kind

2006-03-20T22:00:00.000+08:00

Yea, a corny title for a diary entry, but well, it's MY diary right? Hehe.

So I met this guy,
Who came from a place across the ocean.
He stayed for the weekend,
I stayed for the night.

Before we met,
I thought he was kinda weird.
But after we met,
My doubts for him kinda cleared.
(hmm, why am I rhyming? :-P)

He told me about his sad history on love,
I listened and nodded in silence.
"You were just unlucky to have experienced so much losses",
"That is just life", was how he answered.

He said he was starting to fall for me,
I said I was starting to fall for him too.
But the ocean is great and the question is grave,
"Where is the fair land that we both crave?"

The world is alright..

2006-03-15T21:17:00.000+08:00

.. when you sent me a heart.

.. when you chatted me up on the messenger.

.. when you said, 'Hola'.

.. when I recall your good bye kiss on my cheek.

.. when you flashed that wickedly playful smile.

.. when I bumped into you.

What-You-Want vs What-You-Can-Get

2006-03-06T22:12:00.000+08:00

http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/6187/495/1600/image65.jpg

Came across the above link in another fridae-an's profile, just thought that it conveys a message that is quite sad but true (since I happen to be the main offender, lol).

For those who cannot read Chinese, it essentially talks about how as egoistic individuals, people tend to chase after the 100% ideal mates, only to realise later that it is the 70% ideal person (who had been showering you with all their love and attention) are the ones you actually loved, and by playing hard-to-get, in the end you might not even able to the 70% ideal person because by the time you realised what you missed, what's gone has already been gone.

When chasing for the 100% ideals, we have to understand that sometimes we ourselves may not be 100% ideal in other people's eyes too (<- again, main offender here :-P).

I'm sooo dead.

Sissiness

2006-02-27T20:55:00.000+08:00

To me, sissiness is somewhat like a taboo among the gays. I myself usually do not dare to comment such on my friends, cos I'm afraid that I might offend them.

Most gays prefer guys who are straight-acting, and as such straight-acting is deemed as somewhat of a desirable trait. Like I said, some might even take offence if being told that they are sissy.

However what most of us do not realise is that, sometimes no matter how much we might (love to) think that we are very macho/straight-acting, the fact is, it is probably just ourselves who didn't realise that we maybe sissy to a certain degree.

Take instance like me, I always thought that I'm a very straight-acting guy (seriously :-P). But when I had the chance to look at myself from some recorded videos showing my natural behaviours, I notice I can be embarassingly sissy at times, without myself realising that I was being sissy!

And it is not uncommon for me to come across people who claimed that they are straight-acting in their profile, when the fact is, one can easily spot them as a 'sister' from stones' throw away.

Make no mistake, I do not despise people who are sissy, cos to me, they can be really great friends and are really fun to be with due to their often vibrant characteristics. However when it comes to triggering my desire, straight-acting is still the main ingredient.

Hence my love for Mr. 'Badass' Russel Crowe, right? :-P

continued..

2006-02-20T14:56:00.000+08:00

Mabuk asmara akibat rindui,
Ungkapan hati tutur tak berani;
Zuhur mengenang subur mengharapi,
Jarak denganmu dapat diharungi;
Onar minda tak berhenti,
Eka wajahmu sering kembali.

Not angel, not devil

2006-02-20T14:54:00.000+08:00

I think I'm kinda ambiguous for a human being (no I don't mean bi :-P). The fact that I can be so understanding, and yet at the same time so 'un-understanding' (am I making sense here?) confounds me.

I can be understanding to the ones I like, but I can also be 'un-understanding' to the ones whom I have no special feelings for, save for friendships.

What is 'un-understanding'? It is when people shows interest in me, and I pretended not to notice, or worse still, avoided contact.

Fact is, one can easily know whether I am interested in pursuing further in a relationship or not, because I will always show my eagerness to be with him, and he will find me stealing eye contacts occasionally..

Often I wonder myself why am I so loveless, when it is apparent that I was the one who chose not to be loved by anyone, save for the one I truly love.

***

The following post is my first attempt at writing a Malay love poem (not even sure whether technically it can be called a poem :-P) sometime back. It does not matter anymore who I wrote it for or whether the person who received it last time understood it, what matters is that I was actually inspired to write one, hehe. So try not to laugh.. :)

I might have used some of the words wrongly, cos I just picked them up when looking into the Malay dictionaries for some nice sounding words with roughly the meanings that I wanted :P

V-day 06

2006-02-14T13:39:00.000+08:00

Today is a very challenging day, regardless of whether you are single or attached.

For the happily attached couples, it might be a headache deciding on a place to spend this special evening with the least crowd and traffic jams. Not to mention, still survive financially after that.

For the rest of the self-claimed happily single populance, they have to find a way to endure the imminent sights of lovey-dopey couples E-V-E-R-Y-W-H-E-R-E, and maybe even the occasionally 'huh-poor-thing-still-single' sympathetic glares from them.

Alternatively, one can hide at home or go hang out with their equally single friends at a place where they can be free of the couple-mania and throw bachelor parties, where people usually either like to scream "FreeeeeeDOM!!!" or have group hugs, until this whole annual V-day ordeal is over.

As for me, I think I'll just pass the time by deciding between to send or not to send a 'Happy Valentine' message to him. Who knows, I might actually be able to press the 'send' button by accident when I'm sleepy enough..

(` ^`)>

Muri-po..

2006-02-11T15:45:00.000+08:00

Turns out that it takes much more courage than I expected..

Everytime looking at the heart he sent back, I struggled whether I should send another one to him, all the while thinking, "Hmm.. does this make me look like a stalker?"

Of course, I always ended up clicking on the small 'heart' button yet another time, clinging to the hope that maybe he would reply me another heart again.

Seems like this is the only way I can communicate with him, fridae hearts-exchanging! How more pathetic can I get eh? Lol.

Yet stupid as it sounds, I am happy everytime he sent back a heart. I know it is just a heart, and a virtual one at that, but somehow I'm just glad that he is willing to send even just one more heart back to me.

Somehow, it seems enough..

Courage

2006-02-07T21:31:00.000+08:00

Just came back from a trip in Cambodia. Walking among the many ancient ruins left by the old civilizations humbled me, and had me feeling like Indiana Jones, lol.

Finished watching Densha Otoko, shed even more tears towards the final episodes cos the main character never fails to become emotional in almost every scene ( ._.)'>

I think the story really taught me that sometimes courage is very important; it takes courage to fall in love, to confess love and to withstand the heartbreaks.. Although sometimes we may not get the Happy Ending, without courage to even try anything, the only ending we'll get is 'alone'.

I never thought that the simple words of "I love you" could be so touching. Maybe this is how it is supposed feel when someone says these three magical words to you, when they really meant it.

Perhaps I should give it another try? I could not forget him, eventhough I have refrained myself from communicating with him all these while. I didn't think I had a chance then, and I still don't think I have a chance now, but maybe some things are really worth more than our own pride and heartaches, and we would never find out unless we give it all we got.

"Was it a dream that day when we met?"

"No, not to me."

The Cherry Biting Incident

2006-02-01T01:18:00.000+08:00

First, let it be said that I'm no Mr. Goody-2-shoes. As much as I despise ONS or any similiarly 'immoral' hobbies, I'm pretty much the one who's still practising them. And yes I know how majorly hypocrite this makes me sound, but aren't humans self-contradicting animals? :-)

So logically, my recount of this incident which happened during my 'checking out' of the latest sauna cruising sensation in town should not come as too much of a surprise, I hope :-P

After wandering through the sauna rooms, dark corridors (more like mazes) and one or two interesting 'special usage' rooms, I realised the place isn't actually as large I thought it would be. Basically the hunting grounds are only 2 floors.

Anyway, during a brief encounter, this guy was like so incredibly horny he became kinda rough, and had me stopping him after he bit on my two cherries (no, not the female version of cherry, its the two ones males have on their chest, I name them so cos mine have kinda pink hue to them and they just remind me of cherries, somehow, hehe).

What do we know, the moment we turned on the lights, there were these two huge marks nearby my cherries that under close inspections were actually bruise marks left from the bitings! It was kinda embarassing to me (and I remembered how I was laughing at my friend last time when he had his biting experience, lol), cos it made me looked like I had 4 cherries, and for Pete's sake they weren't even symmetrical!

So I ended up having to 'cup' my four cherries as best as I can with my hands without looking too much like a fool for the rest of my 'checking out' there.

After this incident, I'm seriously considering banning myself from anymore sauna visits, cos first, the cuties there apparently usually don't find me cute, and second, who knows what more 'accidents' like this biting incident I might encounter? Next time I might just get something even worse than extra two cherries! Lol.

Therefore, I urge anyone who sees me writing another diary about sauna visits in the future, please feel free to give me a big smack in the head for giving in again to my own guilty pleasure, unless its me checking out another new establishment :-P

On the first day of the Dog lunar year..

2006-01-29T15:18:00.000+08:00

Am alone at home.

Woke up with a headache, but don't remember being drunk the night before..

Seem like a typical hot CNY aternoon, glad that I'm in the house, no need to increase further to my dizziness.

While eating my fish porridge brunch, watched a running of the movie 'Sgt. Bilko' on HBO, had me in stitches. I really love the old Steve Martin :-)

Checked my mailboxes (yes, it's a plural), saw a trend of growing junk mails, maybe I should really had been more careful about giving out my e-mail addies heh? :-P

Am wondering whether I should continue with the very romantic/sweet/funny Densha Otoko or wrestling with my PS2 joypad. Both seem to be my only companions on this surprisingly quiet afternoon.

I discovered Densha Otoko through participation in a online forum, the first few episodes are really enjoyable, and is unexpectedly touching, actually had me COL in one episode. Maybe love is really about being touched, emotionally rather than physically, lol.

My view of love is always this mystical and magical feeling, like in a fairy tale. The main protagonist in Densha Otoko has really innocent and mr-nice-guy qualities that I find myself being attracted to and easily sympathized with. He may not have the hunky look, but seeing him fumbling in all kinds of situations have me somewhat rooting for him, maybe it's because we all tend to like to root for the underdogs. And an endearing underdog Densha Otoko is, lol.

Lust has been one of my constant regrets, maybe the day when I'm finally free of it, is the day I find Him.

I'd still like to think that despite all these, somewhere out there, sometime down the road, perhaps I might just find myself in a fairy tale.

Written

2006-01-23T21:06:00.000+08:00

Received a written mail today from a very dear friend, made me realised how long it had been since I last actually hand-written a mail.

Simple and primitive as a written letter seems, the pleasure and feeling are so radically different from receiving an electronic equivalent of the mail.

It really gives a much more intimate feeling reading the handwriting of a person rather than the lifeless computer fonts. It's almost as if the hand-writing somehow is able to capture the moment and spirit of the writer, just like how a painting would.

This re-discovered magic of written intimacy triggers me to wanna write more 'real' letters from now on.

Slow as snail mail may be, sometimes it conveys much more than a lightning fast e-mail.

Do I know you?

2006-01-23T21:05:00.000+08:00

It's been common lately, that I been bumping into some fellow fridae-ans unintentionally on a certain infamous chatroom.

It's funny in a way, cos although I have not met them in person before, the moment they told me their nick in fridae, I instantly recalled who they were, just based on my previous visits to their profiles.

It's almost like bumping into a familiar friend in the sauna, if you get what I mean.

Sometimes I think I write too much on fridae, to a point where others probably can and will make an impression of me out of my writings here.

Well I'm actually not sure, is it better to know me before you actually meet me, or is it better to know me after you met me?

You tell me :-)

When there's nothing to say..

2006-01-15T22:04:00.000+08:00

Been a while since I wrote anything, but it doesn't mean I have been rotting at home lately; I'm still doing the usual clubbing, brooding, blocking people on MSN (yea such evilness I know) and meeting/sms-ing with eager strangers, etc.. :-P

I guess this is just one of my 'neutral' phase, cos I don't feel as much passion, craziness, stupidity or need for any kind of self-destruction as I did few months back.

Without these elements, I end up feeling kinda stunted, becos I don't feel inspired to write anything and my mind is almost constantly in a state of blankness, words take longer to pop into my mind..

Again, 'stunted'.

I hope this has nothing to do with me arriving at 25, which is still pretty young in my terms, lol. I think maybe I'm just kinda numbed by the many emotional torturings I put myself into last year, at which peak period I could produce like two diary entries in a day, haha.

I think those days are gone for now. But you know what, sometimes the past has the knack of coming back to haunt you at the most unexpected times, this is especially true cos it has already happened twice lately.

Well it turns out that I still ended up writing such a long-winded entry even when I said "there's nothing to say..", so please forgive my misleading title :-P

And by the way, shameless promotion it may be, but I sincerely recommend Il Divo's 'Ancora' album to any pop-soprano aficionados >-)

First morning of 2006

2006-01-01T13:42:00.000+08:00

Woke up slightly cold,
Exchanged sms with someone,
Who was on my mind throughout NYE,
And that was how cold turned into freeze.

Wanted to break out of my new found despair,
But my mind was frozen.
Wanted to stop the pain,
But like a blade it went straight through my heart.

This is the second time,
I felt like a discarded toy.
One moment I was showered with their attention and admiration,
Moment later I was left out in the cold.

Guess I'm not cut up for these games,
Always taking things seriously when I shouldn't.
But "Why?" I want to ask,
Why did I not feel like a toy when I was with you?

05 > 06

2005-12-31T11:13:00.000+08:00

Well, finally we have come to the last day of 2005.

2005 was a crazy year for me, absolutely a roller-coaster ride, more so when it comes to my involvement in this 'circle'.

Just have a look at my phonebook, the list easily expanded twice it's size througout this year lol. And everytime going through the list, I felt like looking into my past, all these people who at certain time were and in some cases still are part of my life.

"So these are the ones I've met.. those are the ones I would never have the chance to meet again.. and the rest are the ones whom I have yet to meet.."

I know many do 'housekeeping' every now and then to clean up their phonebook list, not me though, cos I rarely delete numbers from my phonebook. Friends or not, I want to remind myself of the people I have met and also any mistakes I have made in the past.

Experiences tend to change a person, for better or worse. For me, I think there are some changes within me, but most of the time I want to think that I am still the naive boy that I have always been, with simple motivations and simple needs.

As we crossover from 2005 into 2006, I wish all of you the best in your endeavours and may you all find your peace and happiness :-)

Love for the impossible

2005-12-28T02:17:00.000+08:00

Felt like something that would only happen out of a movie script, but ironically it happened to me.

I mean how often does one fall in love with a masseur? It only took me my first time to a massage and 'bam!', for some reason I got infatuated with the masseur.

Either this makes me sound like another desperate horny gay man or the masseur was simply too cute with a charming personality, or both, anyway what matters was all I could think of was the masseur on my way back home after the massage.

I think maybe I'm just not the massage kind of guy, I mean how could one possibly mistaken the intimacy of a massage as any other gesture than a professional service offered by a person who was just doing his job of making you feel comfortable?

I find that I have a knack of looking for love in all the impossible (and ludicrous) places. Why is this so? Is it because of my love for the impossible? Or is it because it is only the impossible that is worth my love?

What's most funny was that the masseur actually had the same name as me, now just how am I supposed to forget that? I really love fate and the silly dilemmas it put me in sometimes.

Merry Christmas to you too..

2005-12-26T12:38:00.000+08:00

This is for those who I couldn't bring myself to reply an sms to and to those who I didn't have the courage to initiate an sms.

May all of you find peace and happiness.

One wedding and two movies

2005-12-18T04:26:00.000+08:00

Recently attended my first ever personal friend's wedding. It may not be the first wedding I been to, but it was certainly the first time this particular thought came to me: Is wedding a lavish way of having yourself to become the main character of a storybook for one day?

For everything of the wedding is about you and your spouse. It is an occasion where others celebrate with you that you have found the love of your life, learnt the true meaning of happiness, becoming whole.

When you think about it, are all these money and effort worth it?

If you ask me, I think they are. And part of me that night was stung by this realization, for I knew I would never have the chance to become the main character of the story like this couple do, at least not in this life.

I guess these thoughts will follow me the next time I attend another one of my friend's wedding, followed by another, and another..

Ok, enough of my sentimentalist crap, back to the two movies!

First would be Narnia, I have not read the books before, but I looked very much forward to the movie.

As things turn out, the simplicity of the story, the 'cliche-ness' of the bible-inspired turns of events got me into a rather sleepy mode that night when I watched it at the cinema. I dunno, maybe I'm just too spoilt by the more dramatic and action-packed blockbusters nowadays, this first movie on Narnia felt like the first movie of Harry Potter, at which I almost fell asleep as well in the cinema.

Somehow I just didn't feel enchanted, engrossed or sympathized with the characters. Hopefully the sequels will fare better, if there are any.

The second movie is King Kong, which I watched at IMAX. I have to say, watching this movie at IMAX is so much more worth it than watching it at a normal cinema, cos everything seem so much larger than life and the film was so clear I felt like watching a DVD on a super-enlarged screen.

For King Kong I carried an even higher expectation, especially cos The Star gave it 4.5 stars, which I dare say is a REALLY rare thing. But even with this very high expectation, I was not dissapointed after watching it.

The movie had no trouble in letting us know that this movie IS about Ann and King Kong. And it really succeeded in showing us the chemistry, expecially with the expressive eyes of Ann and King Kong (computer rendered to almost perfection).

I was moved at certain point, but as the movie reaches the end, I kinda got detached a bit, cos the scenes became sorta draggy. I mean, I can only be touched so many times watching the scenes where Ann looks lovingly at Kong. After one too many of such scenes, I just kinda felt numb.

But who am I to say its not touching? On my way out of the cinema, I can hear plenty of girls having THE 'nasal problem' :-P

One thing just wanna add, I was surprised to see Tom Hanks' son in the movie! Not sure whether he's the one who acted in the Roswell series, but he sure look a lot like his old dad nowadays, which is not a bad thing really :-)

Recent movies

2005-12-04T09:49:00.000+08:00

Corpse Bride - Touching. Love is about sacrifice.

Chicken Little - Funny and somewhat touching thanks to the chicken father. And with all due fairness, I do think Chicken Little tend to over-play it's cuteness sometimes.

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - Cool and full of action, best so far. Gotta love those hunky wizards from the all-guy school, yum..

Zathura - Overall average, not bad because Tim Robbins is in it :-P And there's also that cute kid (the elder brother of course, not the squeeking little one), who I love in a very un-pedophilic way haha.

Aeon Flux - The OMG feature perfect Charlize Theron in her most sexy and cool role yet. You can practically hear the guys getting mesmerized in that perfectly-adorned-super-elegent-yet-sexy-sleeping-robe scene of hers. And there are so many shots in the movie that just screamed uber coolness. Suffice to say, Aeon is now officially my new heroine. And please not forget, the equally yummy Marton Csokas :-)

Howl's Moving Castle - Although not the best work of Hayao Miyazaki, still exudes plenty amount of charm and beauty. A definite feel good movie which you'll enjoy on a sleazy weekend, I know I did :-P

Reality Check

2005-11-26T13:45:00.000+08:00

Another week went by, was supposed to be an easy week for me as I was on leave the whole week, but the bored me had to go chat people up, looking for trouble..

For the first time I came across net friends who could be so unreasonable. It shocked me, and I wondered why only now I realise that it's a wild wild world out there, guess I was just being lucky before this for knowing mostly nice people.

I think I've been too active this year, seeking friends from this circle, going through relationships, stumbling a lot along the way, and many a time making a fool out of myself.

But I think I learned a lot, and I know that I'm flawed in many things, i.e. differentiating love and affection, dealing with crushes, managing friends, over-exposing myself (lol), inferiority complex (for aiming too high) and so on..

People always say I'm shallow, putting more weight on outlooks than the inner heart, I don't blame them, cos I'm admittedly a very visual person. I have been so since young, as I used to draw a lot, and drawing makes me pay a lot of attention to the visual pleasentness of everything, especially people.

Somehow this superficial trait has extended and permeated into my subconscious. To me, the character of a person is no less important, but currently I don't think it's possible for me to fall in love with someone based on just their character, my desire for a person can only come from the sum of the person, and that includes his physical appearence.

As much as I want to sound like an enlightened person, it kinda sucks to have to admit that I'm still bound by my basic lust for pleasent looking things.

Well I guess this is why reality is reality, and ideals are just .. ideals.

Hang up the phone

2005-11-21T20:38:00.000+08:00

Lately I have came across stories of relationships where one party confessed not really loving his bf and that the reason they are still together is because he do not want to hurt his bf or he is afraid of whatever bad consequences that might befall him should he leave his bf.

I have been through a similiar situation before, so I can understand somewhat their dilemma. Being in a relationship gives us a sense of security, and it's always easier to tell ourselves to remain in a safe situation (being loved) than to break out of it and become single (alone/vulnerable) again, for some of us can remember how depressing being alone can be.

But I have learned it the hard way, that a relationship is not a place where we go for just shelter and be safe in, it's supposed to be a mean to bind two loving person together, where both sides crave for each other and want to be with each other just as much.

However, it seems many have made a prison out of it, trapping themselves along with the other parties in the illusion of love.

It is disheartening to see when this happen, therefore I have learned to be much more honest to myself and others nowadays.

It's one thing to live in other's love, it's another thing to live in a lie.

想保护的人

2005-11-20T20:34:00.000+08:00

谁是你最想保护的人？

“他”。

Saviour Mode

2005-11-18T00:56:00.000+08:00

Recently while chatting with a friend, he asked, "Do u think being gay means we are to suffer?"

"Definitely.", I answered.

A kinda pessimistic answer, but you know what, it is somewhat true. Gay life can be pretty harsh to those who are not well prepared, and suffering is the imminent outcome.

And then he asked, "Who can help us?"

"No one but ourselves.", was my answer.

After that I remember babbling a whole slew of philosophical stuff to him, no idea how they came to me, and no idea how much of it he understood as well, lol.

Basically I told him..

[/Saviour Mode]

Self pitying is one of the root cause of suffering. If only we can take one step backwards and look from a wider perspective, instead of concentrating solely on our own misfortunes, we might find that there are actually a lot more things which are important around us.

The way I see it, if I couldn't find happiness for myself, why not help others get theirs instead? Which is why I have decided that it's about time I stop just thinking about my pity little self, and expand my horizons to the world around me.

Many don't realize it, self pity will only bring us further down into depression, drowned in the neverending whirlpool of sorrow that we created for ourselves. But if we put our focus on others, we'll be able to see further and wider of this beautiful world and find that there is actually many kinds of happiness to be found at every little corner.

[/End Saviour Mode]

The things that matter

2005-11-18T00:55:00.000+08:00

Well, let's see...

Hmm...

The things that matter..

Hmm...

Ok, I think...

Uhm...

Eh...

Huh..

Damn, Writer's Block!

Rehabilitation

2005-11-13T13:07:00.000+08:00

I thought I was strong enough to withstand, I thought it would hurt less if I acted like I cared less. But the truth is, I was addicted to him.

The harder I tried to show that his leaving didn't bother me, the deeper my wound became.

"Bye John", he said.

Wished I had the courage to say, "Please don't go".

But I didn't, cos the rational part of me knew it would be no use.

A part of me left with him that night, as I found myself infinitely emptier than before.

And so I made the ultimate decision, I forced myself into rehabilitation. Maybe he'll hate me for doing this, but the way I see it there is no other choice, my addiction with him has got to end now, less I want to destroy myself.

I'm not sure how long this rehabilitation is going to take, for he had shown me wonders no others had or even capable of. At times, it really felt like he was the One, but also because of this, I wonder whether I would ever be able to fall for another person again.

Perhaps one positive thing out of all these is that I finally have the enough motivation to start on a self-improvement journey.

Good things never stay. I hate my pessimistic predictions, but sadly most of the time they are true.

Serendipity

2005-11-11T01:39:00.000+08:00

There is this Japanese comic (aka manga) titled 'Le Cirque de Karakuri' which I've been following since few years ago, back in the time when I used to borrow those Comics Weekly from my lil' brother.

It is a fairly long story, with many characters and chronology of timeline being messed around, which makes it kinda confusing at times, as the story jumped from present to the past, from a memory recall to the recall of a recall, and so on..

But, it is a really fantastic title, featuring some of the coolest art designs and super-intertwined plots that at times I'm not even sure the storyteller knows how he's gonna tie up, lol.

The setting revolves around these groups of people who have mastered the art of controlling huge mechanical puppets which also act as weapons to battle against the evil self-conscious mechanical puppets.

Halfway through the story, I'm rather surprised to find that the cause for all these conflicts is actually the result of a desperate man trying to get the love of his life.

He had a few lifetimes' opportunity to get the love of the woman he loves, only to have failed each time, and each failure made him even crueler and more determined to get the love that he so madly craves for but could never get. In the end, he became the cold-hearted man who is willing to do anything to accomplish his goals.

The evil actions of this one lovelorn man created a ripple effect that affected the lives of a few generations of people down the timeline, and as the story pointed out, none of the characters in the story ever got their eternal happiness, because love and hate created a chronic chain reaction that makes everyone's life miserable.

But evil as this man is, at some point, I actually found myself sympathizing with him, who found heartbreakingly that in each different lifetime the same woman he loves always end up loving another man other than himself. I could not imagine how I would have felt if I were him (not that I can live through a few lifetimes :-P).

I wonder sometimes why do we crave for the love of one person so much that it overrides all our rationality? There are 6.4 billion people living on this planet at this single moment, is there really just one of them who happens to be my soulmate? Can this big emptiness in my heart not able to be filled by any other person?

More questions and no answers, well guess that's my style, lol.

State of Selfishness

2005-11-09T22:31:00.000+08:00

Thanks to the playing of my favourite Kylie Minogue song 'I believe in you', I now have the strength and mood to write yet another diary entry about this recent King of Lovelorn that is me.

We chatted on the net today. After he ended the chat with, "Gtg, take care", I found myself not able to get back into the mood to continue my work, as all kinds of emotions seem to rush into my little head, pumping my senses with images and thoughts of him.

I sat there stoned, until I realized that the sweet memories from the day we met has slowly became my venom, poisoning my mind and soul with every recall.

On my way home from work, my thoughts were all about figuring out what I should do to break out of this dead end.

Then suddenly, as if some mental defensive mechanism has finally decided to kick off to give me a hand, the depression lifted. I suddenly became very rational, and I wondered, "Are these infatuations nothing but my own selfish desires to make a person mine?"

Is love about owning someone? Is love about sulking over someone whom I can't get love from? Is love about getting the perfect person to be my life partner?

I refuse to believe that love is something so superficial, and if I am guilty of any of these thoughts, then parhaps what I feel now is not love, but selfishness.

Limbo

2005-11-08T22:11:00.000+08:00

It's been 3 days since that day he kissed me on the cheek. I did not tell him, that it was the first time anyone had ever given me a kiss on the cheek. A simple kiss, yet it meant more to me than most kisses I ever had.

I feel like being in a limbo now, in front of me I can see him in the distance, smiling and waving at me, the harbinger of joy. I felt so welcomed.

I tried to take a step forward and called out to him, but at the same time he also took a step further from me. I stopped, wondering what happened. Have I misread his intentions?

I took some time to take another step forward, but by now I could no longer hear his sweet teasings, his face started to blur out of my vision, and he's further away than ever before.

As if the magic that made him desired me on that day has withered away, I found myself staring at the shadow of his back, getting left further and further behind. My heart sank everytime seeing the gentle tracks he left on the ground, wondering whether he is moving on to a future without me..

Hard as I tried, I could not get out of this limbo. I'm forced to look at the distance shadow of his slipping away ever slowly from me.

I realised I'm starting to forget how he looked and sounded like, yet my yearning for his company has not ceased, I still feel as strongly for him as I did 3 days ago.

What should I do? Should I attempt a sprint and risk seeing him actually running away from me? Or should I just let him slip out of my vision slowly but surely, and not risk my pride and a full-blown heartache?

Immunity

2005-11-08T01:09:00.000+08:00

I did the unthinkable today - building a new home. Maybe it's just another pet project of mine, but what the heck, as long as it helps keep my mind off whatever that is driving me nuts, a pet project it is then.

At the same time, another unthinkable happened - I found that I'm immune to my 'close cyber friend'! No more secret crushes! No more post-meeting depression!

It's funny how my brain works, how I could be so incurably infatuated with a person, until the point where I would feel the world is ending if I couldn't get his love. But give it some time, when the infatuation fades, I would no longer feel any strong desire to spend the rest of my life with that person, in fact, I wouldn't even have any sexual desire for him.

Scary right? Sometimes I'm horrified by this phenomenon called infatuation. It's highly unpredictable, volatile, emotional and destructive to myself. When it strikes, there's no mercy, I'll succumb to it and it'll make my life miserable to no end - I can't think properly, I can't sleep properly, I can't eat properly and I can't piss properly without thiking of him every second of the day.

To quote my friend, "Pathetic."

Agreed, but like I said, what can I do about it other than hoping that the feeling would go away soon? I lost count of how many infatuations I have had since I could remember, and yet I could find no way to overcome this totally illogical urge to be with this one single person out of the 6.4 billion human souls on the planet.

If I were to put it into an SF perspective, it would seem like we are programmed with this 'infatuation' sub-routine, where when certain conditions are met, our minds will automatically kick into this 'infatuated' mode, until the sub-routine somehow finds an exit condition to free itself from the infinity loop.

As of this moment, I have found myself freed from a few infinity loops, some new ones and some old ones. However there's still one fairly new infinity loop going on though, well, I can only hope that this one finds it's exit condition soon.

Maybe he understands why I stopped pursuing (aka bugging) him, why I only gave in this much effort, when it seems like he's the whole world to me right now. Cos I think he's not ready to settle down, at least not with me, cos I don't feel I'm good enough for him, cos I'm afraid of losing.

That's why I seek immunity.

For I am but a fool..

2005-11-06T11:05:00.000+08:00

Just read a heart-wrenching comment left by someone whom I used to maintain a relationship with.

I'm deeply sorry for whatever pain I inflicted on him during the recent breakup, it was my fault for not being able to end the relationship sooner, instead of giving him false hope.

Knowing its not easy for two person to be together, I really wanted to make the relationship work, only to find out later that chemistry of the heart does not always follow universal rules. It does not matter what my mind wants, if my heart does not long for it, it's only a self-deceiving reason to remain in a relationship that exists solely for the sake of getting two person together.

You know being an agnostic person, I'm fairly surprised by my own strong belief in karma and sin?

Karma - What comes around, goes around.

Sin - Something which I think I have done wrong and I would like to repent on.

In this journey of love discovery, I went through the lives of many different people, some have left me scars, and some I have left scarred. Of course, I have said it before, I would really rather have people devastating me than have me devastating them.

Cos I know I'll get stronger with each wound inflicted on me, but for each wound inflicted on others, I found myself the more un-deserving of anyone.

When things seem too good..

2005-11-06T09:54:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I am amazed by my faith in fate/God's Grand Design, just when I thought that there could not be any more 'love at first sight' happening in this holiday season, it freakingly happened again yesterday, where I met and had perhaps the most perfect date I ever had or ever could have.

I swear it was so out-of-this-worldly perfect I could hardly believe it was not a dream. It was almost like a fantasy come true, where you get to have a date with this hot guy who possess every single feature that will make you go crazy just by looking at him. And did I mention that he would be incredibly sexy and seductive at every possible opportunity?

After the date, every logic of my brain deduced that this has to be some joke from the Heavenly Father, for it is simply too good to be true.

I was both extremely exalted and saddened.

Happy, because I could now die peacefully knowing that I had experienced something this wonderfull; Sad, because I somehow don't think I would ever have the chance to experience this again.

Reason is simple: If it is too good to be true, it probably is. I learned from the hard way that good things never stay with me, and I should not expect that they would.

When I told him he left something in the car, he probably didn't know I also left something with him - hope. A frail hope maybe, for something so great, so beautiful, I can hardly describe. But there it was right in front of me yesterday, so near and yet so un-imaginably far.

When things seem bad..

2005-11-06T09:53:00.000+08:00

What I got to do
To make you love me
What I got to do
To make you care
What do I do
When lightning strikes me
And I wake to find that
You're not there

What I got to do
To make you want me
What I got to do to be heard
What do I say when it's all over
Sorry seems to be the hardest word

... and so on the sad song goes.

So what do I do, when a butterfly lovin' blue cookie monster sends me Fun Point(TM)?

Disability

2005-11-02T23:54:00.000+08:00

I was going through Fridae's profiles just now, and I came across this guy's profile, whose face I have seen many times before during my previous Fridae sessions.

The only difference this time was that I went to read through his diaries. And I was surprised to find that he has such great writing, as I could almost feel the emotional struggling he went through with his recent breakup of a 6-year relationship.

His story reminded me of another touching story which I heard just last night from a similiarly broken-hearted friend.

But as much as I emphatize with their painful experience, I realised that I actually envy them.

For they could love a person so much, so madly and so deeply, that I found myself drown in their emotional turmoil as they shared their tales of love lost.

I could not remember the last time when I loved anyone this intensely. Perhaps I have yet to meet the right person, or maybe I am just not capable of loving anyone like that?

I don't know, maybe one day I'll have the answer. And if I'm really lucky, I might still only be in my 40s at that time :-P

Stolen

2005-11-02T12:08:00.000+08:00

Last night, for the first time since for don't know how long, my heart was stolen again by someone.

It was never intentional. And I didn't think it was possible..

Felt like ages ago since I have had this intense heartbeat, when his shoe tapped upon mine.. (he probably didn't even notice it though lol)

I managed to keep my cool alright, maintaining my smile all the time. But you know what? Deep inside I was like this little chicken, running around panically, getting constantly zapped by that electrifying smile of his.

Truth is, I hate this actually, cos while all these crazy chemicals are screwing up my head and heart, the other guy is probably thinking, "Hmm.. why does this guy keep playing with his glass of Limau Ais?".

And there goes my peaceful holiday..

Corpse Bride

2005-10-30T21:54:00.000+08:00

This is the second Tim Burton movie I watched this year. Being an acclaimed director, I do go to his movies with some expectations for some movie magic.

I could not remember much about his last stop-motion movie 'Nightmare Before Christmas', but I assume it must have been great seeing how people tend to talk about it rather fondly.

Without the above said movie for comparison, I can't say for sure whether 'Corpse Bride' fared better.

Both share some similiarities, be they in presentation style, theme or spirit. Some may complain about the apparently more musicals-cum-dialogs in this movie, but some may like it as they think the musicals are smartly written and fit the movie just nice.

One thing I do have to say about the musicals is that sometimes I couldn't catch the lyrics clearly, but thank god the cinema version has Chinese subtitles and the 'occasional' Malay subtitles.

While I do find the story a bit simplistic and the characters a bit stereotypical, in whole it does result in an easier to digest movie experience, and call me wimpy all you want, but I easily shed a tear or two in the final scene :-P So I guess it does have some magical moments, and to me that is all that counts.

"All this has happened before, and it will happen again.."

2005-10-29T13:15:00.000+08:00

Last night I finally done it, again, just like history repeating itself.

It was very difficult, and I have been struggling for some time to make the decision. But I guess the decision had to be made sooner or later, thanks to him, I can finally let go.

Well, just another step closer for me to that ever welcoming 'Old Single Gay Man Land'.

So say we all.

Doom

2005-10-29T13:14:00.000+08:00

Actually caught this movie sometime back, but somehow didn't have the courage to admit that I went to watch it, so only writing this review now, lol.

My god, Mr. The Rock never looked more animated, playing the commander role in this movie.

The movie isn't really that bad, I mean it does have the somewhat hot Rohirim guy and the somewhat cool Bond girl to serve as eye candies :-P And not to mention the somewhat Asian looking Mr. Hottie Guy who erm..

*** SPOILER ALERT! ***

...ended up "on the floor" after saying his very few dialogs in the movie.

*** END of spoiler ***

The rest are just.. not really nice. The whole movie felt like a B grade with limited set locations.

In the end, I justified myself for watching this flick by claiming that there was really no other SF flick on in the cinema at that time..

Damn I'm pathetic :-P

Battlestar Galactica S1 & S2

2005-10-23T21:09:00.000+08:00

Just finished watching this SF series until it's season 2 finale. I have not watched the old original series before, so I cannot make any comparisons how this new one fares compared to the old one.

But just based on this new series alone, I have to put it up there right next to 'Lost', cos seriously this show is some great frakking show.

It's a very different show from 'Lost', cos this is a very classical SF space opera setting, something akin to 'Babylon 5', which is another all-time favourite. However this show, in my opinion, is even better than 'Babylon 5', cos it has so many things done right - the drama, the action, the story, the acting, the special effects, the good looking actors/actresses (yummy indeed)..

It is so good in every way that it has now become one of my favourite show. Drama, which it is has in bundles, really fleshes out the characters.

What I like best about the show though, is that it tells of a story that shows many facets and qualities of humanity, be they good ones or bad ones. At the end of the journey, I find myself thinking..

Thinking of this life I am living, thinking of the purpose we go through in this life, thinking of the many little things.. The show is also somewhat philosophical in nature, with themes that touch on our system of belief, like the existence of God.

And I must mention the soundtrack, not only does it fit the show nicely, it is also very atmospheric. Absolutely great stuff.

There are so many things in this show I could brag on and on about which will probably bore any reader of this 'diary' to death sooner than he/she can click on the nearest hyperlink. So I'll just spare you my BSG fanboy enthusiasm and let you decide for yourself whether you would like to venture into this highly-recommended-and-one-hell-of-a-remarkable-SF series.

And from me to the BSG Gods (read: Producers): Please deliver me soon from the agony of waiting for season 3! :-P

The Skeleton Key

2005-10-16T21:55:00.000+08:00

Usually I don't go for horror or sad movies, but sometimes I think walking out of the cinema watching such movies actually make you appreciate more of the simple and possibly happy life that you currently have.

However this is not such movie..

*** Possible SPOILER below !!! ***

After watching this movie, I walked out of the cinema slightly disturbed. It kinda felt like what happened in the movie was injustice, and I'm a person who really can't stand seeing innocent people getting the bad ending, regardless of how fictitious the characters are.

*** End of SPOILER ***

As interesting as the plot is, and as cute as the actor and actress are, only watch this movie if you can stand injustice in a fictitious movie being served to fictitious characters, and there's no sign of 'Sky High 2' anywhere :-)

The Jacket

2005-10-10T22:11:00.001+08:00

Caught this on DVD, was interested after hearing my friend who watched it basically re-counted back the whole plot to me over a dinner..

I gotta say, the cover image for this DVD is kinda disturbing, motion blurred eyes = creepy!

Of course I won't disclose the plot here, it's supposed to be a 'thinking' movie with it's twists and turns, which thanks to my friend, totally ruined the experience for me having told me basically EVERYTHING.

The movie's cinematography is kinda psychotic, you have to watch it to understand what I meant by 'psychotic', or maybe it was just me watching it at 2 am with barely enough sleep the few nights before..

I believe this movie would give a stronger impact to those who didn't know about the story beforehand, because me having known the plot, everything seems so predictable when I watched it and it was less engrossing, but the performance was good enough to warrant my interest.

This movie also reminded me of one other movie which I liked, 'The 12 Monkeys'. I was totally blown away when I watched that movie last time, and I could still remember the song 'What A Wonderful World' being played at the end when the credit rolls. A classic in my book, because it delivers such a strong aftertaste of irony.

Sky High

2005-10-10T22:11:00.000+08:00

Have got to say, this movie exceeds all of my expectations, and then somemore :-)

The reasons why I like this movie so much:

1. Beautiful casts, especially the oh-so-ordinary-yet-extremely-adorable Will (who curiously looks like a very young version of Scott Bakula).

2. My kind of humour.

3. Hovering school with flying buses - I would be so looking forward to going to school everyday if we had these!

4. Hunky daddy.. (or is it more like grand-daddy?)

5. Secret dungeon.. uhm, I mean sanctum :-P

*** SPOILER below !!! ***

6. Fireball-throwing arch-enemy turned best buddy.

and the list goes on..

And yes, Walt Disney can have my money when this DVD comes out :-)