This is to inform that this blog has been reallocated to another blog host:
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All new posts will now be posted on the new blog address. See you guys there :-)
Saturday, February 17, 2007
Sunday, February 11, 2007
I want more life
Just finished watching 'Angels in America'. Didn't know it was about homosexuals and AIDS before I decided to watch it, all I knew was that it won some awards (Golden Globe and Emmy for Best Miniseries). It was actually adapted from a play of the same title.
Being a gay, I identified with most of the elements in the story, although the story itself is also about the social state of America in general. This is perhaps the first film I've watched since Tom Hanks' Philadelphia that dealt majorly with AIDS.
The issues explored in the story are all quite close to heart: love, abandonment, belief, prejudice, etc. But it takes certain patience to go through some of the more metaphorical scenes and the often wordful dialogues.
When I first started embracing homosexuality, AIDS was the first issue I found myself having the most difficulty dealing with. I was so scared of catching the disease that I did some pretty naive things back then. As time went by, as I met more people and gained more experience, the issue of AIDS started to take a back seat in my mind, because so few actually talk about it, it's almost like a taboo or maybe people just thought that by avoiding thinking or talking about it, it will not exist or happen to them.
Since my recent involvement with A (which you all knew how it ended :-)), I stopped all my promiscuous activities, because I was ready to stay commited with A. And although I didn't have much desire to meet other guys during that period with him, it also occured to me then how stupid it would be if I were to catch AIDS (or some other nasty STDs) when I finally found someone I wanted to be with.
It was since then, that I have made a promise to myself I will stop having promiscuous sex, not just because I am afraid of the possibly terrible and painful death I will face upon catching AIDS, but also because of the people that I care and love me. Nothing is worth the pain I will inflict on them, certainly not moments of fun with some guys whose name I wouldn't even remember the next morning.
And most important of all, I would need all the health I can have when I finally found him, I don't want to finally meet the 'destined guy' only to tell him, "Babe, I'm so happy to have found you, but I'm afraid I can't be there for you, for I got myself AIDS while waiting for you."
No, I want to tell him, "Babe, I want to be the one who will always be there for you."
Yes, curse the romantics :-P
Being a gay, I identified with most of the elements in the story, although the story itself is also about the social state of America in general. This is perhaps the first film I've watched since Tom Hanks' Philadelphia that dealt majorly with AIDS.
The issues explored in the story are all quite close to heart: love, abandonment, belief, prejudice, etc. But it takes certain patience to go through some of the more metaphorical scenes and the often wordful dialogues.
When I first started embracing homosexuality, AIDS was the first issue I found myself having the most difficulty dealing with. I was so scared of catching the disease that I did some pretty naive things back then. As time went by, as I met more people and gained more experience, the issue of AIDS started to take a back seat in my mind, because so few actually talk about it, it's almost like a taboo or maybe people just thought that by avoiding thinking or talking about it, it will not exist or happen to them.
Since my recent involvement with A (which you all knew how it ended :-)), I stopped all my promiscuous activities, because I was ready to stay commited with A. And although I didn't have much desire to meet other guys during that period with him, it also occured to me then how stupid it would be if I were to catch AIDS (or some other nasty STDs) when I finally found someone I wanted to be with.
It was since then, that I have made a promise to myself I will stop having promiscuous sex, not just because I am afraid of the possibly terrible and painful death I will face upon catching AIDS, but also because of the people that I care and love me. Nothing is worth the pain I will inflict on them, certainly not moments of fun with some guys whose name I wouldn't even remember the next morning.
And most important of all, I would need all the health I can have when I finally found him, I don't want to finally meet the 'destined guy' only to tell him, "Babe, I'm so happy to have found you, but I'm afraid I can't be there for you, for I got myself AIDS while waiting for you."
No, I want to tell him, "Babe, I want to be the one who will always be there for you."
Yes, curse the romantics :-P
Friday, February 09, 2007
Forgetfulness
Been almost a week since I last contacted him, guess I should be on my way to finally being able to forget him and let him go..
On my way home just now, I felt a certain dizziness, suddenly I realised what I have been doing all this time was just consciously avoid thinking of him, and this constant effort is starting to take a toll on my psyche, it's like my left brain which wants to think of him is constantly fighting with my right brain which doesn't want to think of him, it was literally starting to give me a splitting headache.
I probably still need more time, more time to wash away the memories and any residue feelings.
Then it occured to me, seeing how I'm becoming more forgetful in recent times (not Alzheimers I hope!), maybe it's because I've been so used to shutting out the unwanted memories, that it somehow promoted my forgetfulness.
Yea I know this may sound like a lame excuse, and probably a bit far fetched, but the possibility could be there for all I know. I guess I'm just becoming too much used to (and need) selective memorising these days, that I'll only memorise things that I deem important enough. Now I generally require harder effort to really memorise something, cos I've been too used to forgetting things. Am I making sense?
Uhm wait.. where was I again? :-P
On my way home just now, I felt a certain dizziness, suddenly I realised what I have been doing all this time was just consciously avoid thinking of him, and this constant effort is starting to take a toll on my psyche, it's like my left brain which wants to think of him is constantly fighting with my right brain which doesn't want to think of him, it was literally starting to give me a splitting headache.
I probably still need more time, more time to wash away the memories and any residue feelings.
Then it occured to me, seeing how I'm becoming more forgetful in recent times (not Alzheimers I hope!), maybe it's because I've been so used to shutting out the unwanted memories, that it somehow promoted my forgetfulness.
Yea I know this may sound like a lame excuse, and probably a bit far fetched, but the possibility could be there for all I know. I guess I'm just becoming too much used to (and need) selective memorising these days, that I'll only memorise things that I deem important enough. Now I generally require harder effort to really memorise something, cos I've been too used to forgetting things. Am I making sense?
Uhm wait.. where was I again? :-P
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
What about eternity..
Just watched 'Pan's Labyrinth', has to be one of the grossest and scariest fairy-tale inspired movie I've ever watched, definitely not a movie for the children or the faint-hearted.
***
A friend told me, he had a 5-year relationship, but one day it just ended through one sms from the BF, and my friend said he only replied the sms once - wished his BF all the best and go pick up the stuff he left at his place.
That was all. My friend didn't call, didn't beg, didn't get emotional or all dramatic with the BF. Just one sms exchange and there went the 5-year relationship, gone with the wind.
I'm not sure whether I should admire the coolness and rationality of my friend or feel sorry for the fact that such a long relationship could be ended just like that, without any traces of emotion or effort of saving it. I'd think that 5 years is a very long time, how can something built with this long a time be ceased to exist in just one exchange of sms?
So what exactly is love? Is it just two people being happy together over a period of time, and when either one had enough of the other, they just pack up, leave each other's life and move on? Is love this impermanant thing that helps us go through life by keeping us from being too miserable from time to time?
And to think that I've been so naive and misleaded all these while, assuming love equals eternal bond between two souls. But there is no such thing, is there? It's only an imaginary utopian vision for the most romantic of fools, who think that the world revolves around his happiness and his search for his soulmate.
***
Love to me is losing more and more of it's sacredness, tainted by the cruel facts of reality as I go through the rites of adulthood.
I feel like I'm outgrowing the fairy-tale called 'love', afraid that one day I might realise, that there is indeed no such thing as love, or at least not in the way I knew it.
***
Sometimes I realise how scary it can be to bump into someone believing in love the way I do, it's like bumping into a delusional person with no sense of reality.
For let's face it, nowadays love is just an excuse for you to keep dating the same hot guy until his novelty wears off.
***
A friend told me, he had a 5-year relationship, but one day it just ended through one sms from the BF, and my friend said he only replied the sms once - wished his BF all the best and go pick up the stuff he left at his place.
That was all. My friend didn't call, didn't beg, didn't get emotional or all dramatic with the BF. Just one sms exchange and there went the 5-year relationship, gone with the wind.
I'm not sure whether I should admire the coolness and rationality of my friend or feel sorry for the fact that such a long relationship could be ended just like that, without any traces of emotion or effort of saving it. I'd think that 5 years is a very long time, how can something built with this long a time be ceased to exist in just one exchange of sms?
So what exactly is love? Is it just two people being happy together over a period of time, and when either one had enough of the other, they just pack up, leave each other's life and move on? Is love this impermanant thing that helps us go through life by keeping us from being too miserable from time to time?
And to think that I've been so naive and misleaded all these while, assuming love equals eternal bond between two souls. But there is no such thing, is there? It's only an imaginary utopian vision for the most romantic of fools, who think that the world revolves around his happiness and his search for his soulmate.
***
Love to me is losing more and more of it's sacredness, tainted by the cruel facts of reality as I go through the rites of adulthood.
I feel like I'm outgrowing the fairy-tale called 'love', afraid that one day I might realise, that there is indeed no such thing as love, or at least not in the way I knew it.
***
Sometimes I realise how scary it can be to bump into someone believing in love the way I do, it's like bumping into a delusional person with no sense of reality.
For let's face it, nowadays love is just an excuse for you to keep dating the same hot guy until his novelty wears off.
Saturday, February 03, 2007
Everyday
Everyday is a constant struggle between giving up and holding on to hope.
Everyday I wait for a call or sms that never came and might never come.
Everyday I told myself that all is going to be fine, that I can get over him eventually, that I will stop missing him one day.
Everyday I fill my mind with so many thoughts trying to drown out the memories of him.
Everyday I log onto the chatroom where I met him, both hoping and fearing that I would bump into him again there.
Everyday I try to think of ways to hate him, so that I can justify for giving up on him.
Everyday I wake up, remembering again there is something missing in my life.
Everyday I go to sleep, hoping to forget more the next day I wake up.
Everyday I wait for a call or sms that never came and might never come.
Everyday I told myself that all is going to be fine, that I can get over him eventually, that I will stop missing him one day.
Everyday I fill my mind with so many thoughts trying to drown out the memories of him.
Everyday I log onto the chatroom where I met him, both hoping and fearing that I would bump into him again there.
Everyday I try to think of ways to hate him, so that I can justify for giving up on him.
Everyday I wake up, remembering again there is something missing in my life.
Everyday I go to sleep, hoping to forget more the next day I wake up.
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