Forgiven

I just sent an sms apologizing to my ex whom I have not been in contact with since we broke up almost 2 years back.

Two years ago I gave him the impression that I liked him, only to betray and disappoint him in the end by leaving him. My reason was that I realized he was not the one, but he was already too deep in love with me.

I did not shed a tear when we broke up over a few smses that time, because I realized that there was no love from me, only the comfort of having someone to exchange care and be intimate with.

In my sms just now I told him I wouldn't hope for his forgiveness, but I do hope that he has a better life now without me.

Truth is.. I do want to be forgiven.

Because I know now what is the invisible curse.

It's guilt.

All I ever wanted was just one person

You know I never wanted to become this pathetic desperate guy I've come to be now.

Many times I wish I could just un-live the past two months of my life, return back to a time when I didn't know I could be so hopelessly addicted to a person that my sanity would one day be under his mercy.

I despise this weak person that I've become, clinging so single-sided and fool-hardedly to a person who had once given me hope and showed me the wonders of life but only to take them all back later and left me reminiscing the happiness that could have been and feeling the hollowness of unfulfilled promises.

Is this a curse put on me from my last relationship? I left my last ex after a two month relationship, now it's someone else's turn to leave me after two months. Perhaps karma is true afterall, or perhaps we are all just selfish souls searching of our so-called love and never cared about what trails of destructions we leave in our wake along the way.

Perhaps he was just my Christmas wish came true. when Christmas had come and gone, so had he. Will I ever be able to celebrate Christmas without being reminded of him again?

I am not sure I can ever believe in love again. I long for the time when I will be able to put this all behind, get back up on my own feet and feel hopeful about love and the future again. But at the moment, all I can do is just be embittered. Embittered of an unrequited love sought so hardly over what seemed like an eternity now.

The Second Bests

There are many things in life that we wouldn't take anything short of the bests.

The best food, best clothes, best gadgets, best houses, best men, best partner.. nothing would do it for us except the best, since we have only one shot at life, why don't we deserve the best right?

Being the perfectionist, I'm of course of no exception. But unfortunately, so is A.

It's very tiring being the perfectionist, because we simply couldn't settle for anything less. Between two items of significantly different prices, I would take the higher priced item if it's the one that I really like.

I could imagine why A hesitated, it was because he couldn't look through my flaws, the flaws that made me the second best.

I also realized why I have been single most of the time, it's because all my eyes could see were the second bests, and when I thought I have found the bests, I turned out to be their second best.

Is it ever possible for a second best to become the best? Because if it is, I'd really love to know.

Or maybe for once, I could find the guy who can make us both see the best out of each other.

The Equation

I attended a workshop about influence last week. We were taught about the various ways of influencing others into reaching your objective: pull, push, bridge, attract and avoid.

It came as kinda surprise to me when I found out that I'm actually more of a 'push' person than say 'pull' or 'bridge', cos all the while I thought I was being really considerate of others when it comes to reaching my goals.

I thought I've always been practising this 'no forcing' p0licy on others, cos I know it's no use pushing others to do what they don't like, heck it can even be counter productive, and to discover myself that I'm still actually more of a 'pusher' is therefore rather unexpected. Maybe it's becos the workshop was done together with my colleagues, so it could be that due to the work environment I might have needed to shift to a more 'push' style to get things done.

But then I started to relate it to things on the other end - personal relationships. Am I really being too much of a 'pusher' all these times when I thought that I was really not?

Looking back, I tend to find myself as a result-oriented guy, cos whenever I see things not going the way I hoped they'd go, I'll take some sort of action. When I couldn't figure out whether someone wants to be with me, I pushed them to make a decision; and when they couldn't make a decision, I made it for them by giving up on them. I couldn't take uncertainty as answer, becos I needed to be ensured and know the direction where we were heading in a relationship.

I fear the unknown and the possibility of disappointment it brings.

I consulted with some of my friends about my involvement with A, I told them about all the ups and downs I had with him, the uncertainty and insecurities I felt and feared so much. Most of them advised me to just get ready to move on, not many think its worth waiting for a guy who may never return the affection in the end. There are so many guys out there, why be the fool for one when you could be the sweetheart for many others?

I gave them the excuse that I'm really tired of being the 5 mins sweetheart of others, I know what I really want at my age, and I'm willing to be the fool if that's what it takes to give me a shot at the jackpot of my life.

I'm really not much of a greedy guy, in fact I think I'm quite easily contented despite my constant efforts in improving the quality of life, e.g. healthier food, new gadgets, clothes, cars and even properties. And I'm definitely not greedy at all in terms of relationships, for I am as monogamous as the monogamous idea goes. One special guy in my life is more than enough to float my boat and in fact that's all I'll ever ask for.

Monogamy is also one of the things that I liked in A. He was a big believer in it (as far as I know) and that's what made him different, we all know how rare true monogamy is in this modern world where everyone is all for and about themselves.

Few days back, I got to see a different side of A - the honest, humble, open and vulnerable side. And it brought in a new equation into the already complicated math problem that I've been working on, a new equation which had me threw away a lot of my old assumptions and perceptions. But funny thing is, I just realized that now the math problem got even more complicated, and I'm still no where near the answer.

Or maybe the answer was there all along, just I couldn't or not willing to see it..

Singletons

So I've finally reached the point where I have done with all the latest episodes of Desperate Housewives I could download from the Internet, and now I am starting with Sex and the City from season 1. I expect that going through this whole series until it's final season 6 will gonna last me around one month's worth of dinner time :-)

I may be slow in picking up these series and I may be even frowned upon for watching such 'typical gay favs', but I do found myself being constantly amazed at how much wisdom is to be found in these relationship based shows. Or at least, I'm amazed at how many hotties are to be found in them! :-)

And I've been reading more of those fellow queer blogs again, suddenly seems like everyone has a 'boyfriend' to be used in their blogs so ever casually - "Me and the boyfriend went ...", "The boyfriend's parrot learned to speak my name..", "Although my boyfriend offered to ..", etc..

Seeing all the 'boyfriend' words just made me realise how desperate I could be again, more so becos I never remembered I ever got to officially use the word 'boyfriend' before. It's almost like a curse on me, that throughout my entire stay on this God-forsaken piece of cosmic pebble, I shall never have the chance to call anyone my 'boyfriend', much less 'hubby'.

Why is it that others can enjoy their boyfriends so seemingly effortless and happily when for me it has to be so full of obstacles and pain and heartaches? Yes I'm aware that I'm not the only one who has to go through hell to win another's heart, but why can't I be one of the lucky ones who can just enjoy a relationship from the get go without getting the nasty surprise of being dumped two weeks later? Just when I thought my curse had been lifted and I wasn't doomed to eternal singlehood..

Even after all the ups and downs with him, the make out and the break ups..

He probably still doesn't know that I want him to be happy more than anything else, even more so than my own happiness. As cynic as he is about love at first sight, I did love him at first sight. And as much as I believe myself to be willing to make him the happiest man for as long as I breath, I am not sure I am capable of making him happy, or at least not anymore.

As the saying goes, "One person suffers is better than two person suffer". Loving him doesn't always mean that I need to be in possess of him, it could also mean that I should be prepared to let go and let someone else who can make him happy, give him the happiness that he deserves.

After all the silent tears and sleepless nights, I think I am now ready to let go, if this is what it takes.

What was lost.. could never be found

People in love should make each other feel good about themselves.

But everytime I meet him, I feel like I'm the worst person in the world.

I could no longer make him laugh, he laughs so much more talking to his friends. This means I'm not even half as interesting or funny as his friends.

I could no longer look at him, because everytime looking at him I'm afraid to see him looking away to avoid me.

I could no longer be in his presence, because I feel like I'm not only no longer of his concern, I'm also not half as close as a normal friend to him.

All these made me feel like I've failed us both in my fool-hardy attempt at something that I should have known to be quite impossible - seeking the affection that's lost and long gone.

I didn't want to give up, cos I am too tired to give up, too tired to start all over again and face yet another disappointment/failure.

What happened to the fun part?

Was reading through some fellow queer friends' blogs just now, damn they are so much fun to read with all the self-bitchiness and sexcapades, really reminded me back when the time while I was still able to write so much fun in my blogs with all my 'witty' remarks and self-deprecating humours (being the big cynic that I am).

Now all I write about are the technical, depressing, paragraphs-spanning, head-rolling theses on relationships, relationships and more relationships.. I think maybe I have become a bit too self-absorbed in my recent obsessions with finding The One that I have kinda lost the fun in me.

As much as I like blogging, usually I don't really like reading others' blogs, cos I'm kinda lazy when it comes to reading mundane details. And some people like me tend to have the compulsive urge to describe every little details on perfectly unremarkable things.

Which was why it was rare when I found myself pouring through each and every one of those fellow bloggers' blogs just now, while trying with great difficulty not to dislocate my jaws by laughing too hard at some of their most entertaining and hilarious posts (be they intended or not) or being curiously engrossed in their most lucid sexual encounters. Thinking it would be a waste not to share such gem finds with fellow friends, I have decided for the first time that I shall put up links to these other blogs. Hope some of you would enjoy reading them as much as I did :-)

On a side note, I'm still on the Desperate Housewives viewing marathon, am now into their third season, and I'm afraid I'm only getting more addicted to this series than I probably should. Everything depicted in it are just so interesting cos there are so many things going on. I didn't realise I could be so much into soap operas, with all the dramas and such, but this show really hit me at my weak spot for witty comedies and moving drama. It really didn't come as a surprise to me when I found out that the creator of the show is openly gay, cos if you ask me, if anyone who can pull off such an insightful show into relationships, he/she has to be gay, cos gays tend to play the role of both sexes and this allows us to understand the dynamics of relationships better. Well not to say that I have made DH my new relationship bible, but it did help put a new perspective on many things for me.

On a side side note, I recently turned down re-ignition of two old flames. Not sure why they came at the same time, but the timing couldn't been better (or worse depending on which side you are), cos eventhough with A where I stand now is still ambiguous ground, one thing is for certain, when I have got over someone, it's really near to impossible for me to turn back again.

Darn, already 3 a.m.! Where did all the time go?

What's in a companion

Been catching up with many Desperate Housewives episodes and chats with friends about relationships lately.

I came to realise, that relationships be they hetero or homosexual in nature, require sacrifices to work.

Some believe in searching for the most compatible or ideal companion, in hope that it would ensure a successful and long lasting relationship. But compatibility between two person can only go so far in maintaining a healthy relationship, for even the sweetest and most matching couples can have moments of disagreements and conflicts of interests.

What happens when unpleasant things happen in a relationship? Do they just decide that they are not that compatible afterall and hence separate to continue searching for the next perfect companion?

A friend once told me, "There is no such thing as a perfect guy in this world". He's right, the rationale is really quite simple. No two person can be together without any whatsoever frictions, for even I myself can have disagreements with myself sometimes, not to mention two people with each of their own minds.

For me, a true life companion is someone who is willing to commit himself into a relationship through thick and thin. Loving someone is not sufficient, cos 'love' has become a very emotional word, it comes and goes with our moods, one day you might love someone and the next day you might not (or think you do not).

I think the reason why relationships tend to be so fragile in the first place is that people emphasizing the feeling of 'love' so very importantly. When love is there, they want to be together, and when the excitement of love is gone, they moved on to the next excitement in life.

You see, this is when I can finally understand the true purpose of marriage. Marriage may be a very political way of binding two person together for life, it nevertheless serves the purpose of having us to commit ourselves, to prevent (or discourage) ourselves from time to time giving into the urges of straying away for some new excitements that promise moments of pleasures and happiness.

The fact is, those who see marriage as a prison, are probably those who do not understand the meaning of 'lifetime fulfillment'. To me, it means having someone as your best friend and closest confidant, the pillar of strength at your lowest moments and the meaning of joy at your happiest moments. Someone who gives you the reason to work harder and earn that extra money just so that you can buy that watch he's been secretly eyeing on, somone whose well-being is put ahead of even your own interests.

Someone who makes you want to be a better and stronger person just so that you can protect the people that are important to you. Someone whom you can lay bare to physically and emotionally at the end of the day without the need to pretend that you are someone who you are not. Someone whom you are not afraid to be vulnerable to, because you know you will not be scrutinised and whatever your flaws are, you will still be accepted.

To find someone who is actually capable of all the things above is difficult. To be together with that someone for life is therefore even immensely more difficult, especially without any sacrifices from both parties.

I may be a bit sadistic, but I find that in life, if everything comes easy and without effort, we would not appreciate it. On the other hand, if we have to work hard to get something, we would come to learn to think twice before saying quit on anything.

I'm but flesh and blood

As the reality of slowly losing him finally dawns on me, I begun to experience the nasty aftermath.

Waves and waves of memories of him and the things we did together just kept flooding into my mind, the more I tried to block them, the harder they came forcing me to face them.

I was reminded of the porposal he made to go London with him, the restaurant he said we were going to try next time, the holding of his hand when he was driving, the trying of my ring on his finger, the sharing of food, the many times we raced each other to pay the bill first, the games I thought of playing with him on the PS2, the power hugs, the tender kisses, the familiar perfume that he wore, the kiddy antics he did when he was happy..

All of which stood to remind me again that happy memories can be just as painfully heart-wrenching when they are recalled under opposite conditions.

I could barely concentrate on my work today, as the term 'driving me crazy' was rather apt in describing how I felt following the assaults of the bittersweet memories.

Many times I had the strong urge to sms or call him, but I asked myself what good would that do. If he couldn't bring himself to like me even after all our attempts, a few calls or sms would not change that.

Love is a many strange thing - the harder you try, the further away you'll get from what you want; the less you try, it tends to creep up on you unnoticed and even possibly uninvited.

Had I a choice now to choose whether I'd like to forget the things that happened for the past one month, I'd choose to forget. Because as it is now, I'm just too much of an embittered guy, willing to do anything to release the grief that is threatening to consume all of my heart.

Reason

Gave a lot of thoughts about what happened yesterday, especially during my gym and on my way home.

He told me he has yet to find the quality in me that would make him fall in love with me.

He asked me, "What is the reason that you like me?".

I was caught off guard and told him something along the lines of liking his physical appearance and 'normality'. He retorted that many others look normal as well, and somehow my reason gave him the impression that my affection for him are based on nothing but shallow qualities.

After thinking it through again today, I came to an answer. If I could turn back time, this is how I would have answered him, "I like you because you are who you are."

I would have never liked a person just because of the physical appearance, it's always and has to be the whole package. Some would say that there really is no reason to love someone, because there are those who loved the worst of men, and what was their reason? They had every reason not to love, but they did anyway, because as unemperical as it sounds, love is a feeling that cannot always be explained nor analysed. Even if there's another guy with absolutely identical qualities like him, or even if there's a clone of him, I would have still chosen him, not the clone, because they maybe identical until to the DNA level, there will always be just one whom I've grown attachment to.

To me, physical appearance is no doubt one of the first criteria in causing us to like someone, but as we come to know more of the person, eventually physical appearance will fade away, replaced by a 'soul'. A 'soul' to me is forever a unique entity, because it's what a person has done in the past that defines him and it's our memory of a person that defines the 'soul'. As age catches up with us, or if the physical appearance changed drastically due to some accident, it would not be the physical appearance that enable us to continue loving that person, but his 'soul'.

I may have known him for merely one month, but for me that is already sufficient to know that, I have never been so sure before in my life about someone. For the first time, I can actually make a decision and be confident that I would stick to it. To someone who has been in and out of love so many times, I know the difference when I see one, and this is what made me grasping so fool heartedly onto this romance, even when I could see that he was being unsure and my instinct to protect myself would be to hold back.

All because I knew, that this is probably as close as I could ever get to finding the One.

Some would argue, that there's almost always someone better coming just around the corner, how could I be so sure that this is the One?

The fact is, I don't know, and I probably will never know, but there comes a time, when we know things are as good as they get, that it's now or never. It just so happens that for me, this is the time.

I made an analogy (which a friend somehow found funny) about the problem with me and him: Timing - We both started walking together from the beginning, soon we started running together, but at some point, he stopped and ponder, and went back to walking, while me on the other hand did not, and ended up just kept running, only by the time I looked back, that I realised there's already a huge distance between me and him.

This problem has now caused us to go all the way back to the starting line. I'm not sure what will happen next, but for me the worst has already happened, so for now I'm just gonna take things as they come.

"If it's meant to be, it's meant to be", at least we share this sentiment now.

Come what may

It's really ironic, how I kept thinking I've finally got it right, when the fact was I couldn't have gotten it any more wrong.

As each subsequent attempt got worse and worse results, I also got to know him better and better. But I'm afraid all these understandings came at a cost, and I can see that his patience is already wearing thin, as I ended myself at increasingly worse positions each time.

There are times when we just tried so hard to get what we want, that we ended up making things worse while getting no where near what we wanted. This is the mistake I realise I've been making, and I hope this is the last time I'm going to make it.

I leave things to fate now, whatever that means, and whatever that brings me.

The combination

Just had some more interesting discussions on astrologies with my female colleagues during our idle working hours, apparently most of them are very well versed and believe to a certain degree in horoscopes, cos they seem to like to read a lot of such stuff during their younger years, and so they were all discussing about how their horoscopes are now governing them and their boyfriends' behaviours.

After listening to all their collected wisdoms on boyfriends and such, I couldn't help but tried to search more on the interaction between my and his horoscope signs (eventhough I said I didn't quite buy into the destiny-written-in-the-stars stuff, typical hypocrite I know :-P), and found the following, some points which I found to be accurate and some not, but an interesting and even possibly educational read nevertheless:

"When Aries and Cancer come together in a love affair, it's a case of opposites attracting. Aries is rash and brash while Cancer is sensitive and emotional. Aries can certainly be emotional -- in a fiery, impetuous way that can completely overwhelm Cancer. Even though Cancer usually likes to take time with relationships, Aries's whirlwind approach can be extremely stimulating. Aries, on the other hand, may find the Cancerian sensitivity appealing; it's a good balance for the typical Aries bluntness. Troubles may arise if Cancer's mood swings or Aries's aggression becomes hurtful. Both Signs must take time to listen to their partner's needs and understand that they're coming from different directions to meet a common goal.

Cancer is the Sign of Home while Aries is the Sign of Self. One great dynamic between these two is that both Signs are extremely protective of those they love. Cancer uses that Crab shell to draw around themselves and their family and mate when trouble is near, while the Ram uses their strength and bravery, like a knight in shining armor. Cancer also provides Aries with a happy domestic life and emotional security. Sometimes they might build an idealized image of their Aries partner or be overly possessive, which can really grate on independent Aries.

However, Aries can help by reassuring their Cancer partner that they are loved and cherished. Aries really needs to learn to listen to Cancer: the Crab operates on an instinctive level and their advice can help Aries avoid making silly mistakes caused by that typical Aries lack of planning.

Aries is ruled by the Planet Mars and Cancer is ruled by the emotional Moon. Mars was the God of War, and Aries is a soldier meeting every challenge head-on. Aries's open, passionate nature appeals to Cancer, who often internalizes emotions and feelings. Cancer can have intense, feminine energy and Aries can help them learn to release it. The Moon controls tides of the Earth, quietly affecting all life; similarly, Cancer works behind the scenes (while Aries rushes into battle). Cancer tends to be sentimental and can teach Aries to slow down and appreciate life instead of always rushing on to the next thing.

Aries is a Fire Sign and Cancer is a Water Sign. These two elements can be a great combination if they work together, using both emotion and action to get things done. Cancer can help Aries slow down and learn to be gentle, while Aries teaches Cancer to come out of their shells. But Cancer can be emotionally manipulative -- sometimes there's just too much Water dampening Aries's enthusiasm. Conversely, too much Fire can cause Water to evaporate, leaving Cancer emotionally raw. Aries and Cancer must talk openly and freely to ensure their balance is maintained.

Aries and Cancer are both Cardinal Signs. Both Signs are initiators, but they have to learn to cooperate. On the surface, Aries is the leader, always rushing out to meet a challenge, but Cancer is also indirectly in charge through emotional control and the ability to weigh the situation. Cancer tends to compromise more easily while Aries can be unwilling to yield, so the Crab may have to accept giving in.

What's the best aspect of the Aries-Cancer relationship? Once they realize they're on the same team, the combination of Fire and Water works well together. Aries is out there getting attention and Cancer is quietly supporting the back end. Each partner's ability to provide what the other is lacking makes theirs an equal relationship."

I must say this particular compatibility explanation has a more detailed and constructive (not to mention romantic) spin on the combination than the one I previously posted. It's ironic how sometimes even the most cynical of us would look into things such as astrology to find some sort of a guidance. Truth is, we would believe anything as long as it gives us hope.

Made in heaven

So I was bored and was browsing through some 'love compatibility' websites recently during my idle work time, and guess who's birth dates I entered?

It turned out that me and him just happen to have one of the most unfavourable astrological match, be them in Western Horoscope, Chinese Astrology or heck even Feng Shui Pa-Kua. And I was actually quite surprised that some of the descriptions are rather accurate:

"The Rabbit man is subject to periodic spells of depression and pessimism. He may meet the joyous Rooster woman while in this frame of mind and immediately become infatuated with her. On the other hand, his seriousmindedness and patrician manners are likely to appeal strongly to her. It is certainly not impossible for them to achieve happiness together, but the odds against their union are of such magnitude that they should think at least twice before taking the plunge."

"Rooster Man and Rabbit Woman. There are dangers inherent in this relationship, which make it a hazardous one. While their sharp differences drew them together, the partners will find it extremely difficult to reach agreement once they have joined their destinies. Mutual concessions alone will not be sufficient in securing success; there will also be the need of favorable circumstances."

As you can see, due to the political incorrectness of the website, one just had to be the woman, and since I'm not sure which of us should or even can be labeled as the 'woman', I tried both combinations. But what do you know, both combinations seem just as bad anyway, lol.

"This is a combination of classic extremes--Fire and Water. This combination can be made to work, if both of you stick to the idea of dependence verses independence. If the two of you could get into a partnership where one earns no matter what, and the other one takes care of things at home and conserves, come what may, you'd be taking advantage of the strength of both signs. With this partnership, there can be an excellent understanding. If both of you do both the things half way, this relationship could lead to tremendous explosive situations.

Cancer is soft and gentle but those claws come out as soon as a Cancer perceives danger of capture. A Cancer may even retreat into their own shell and will not come out, no matter how much pushing and shoving an Aries exercises. In their physical union, an Aries is driven by a higher sexual drive than Cancer, but both of you will accommodate each other if understanding exists. An interesting combination!"

I for one really appreciate the fact that this Western Astrology tried it's best to put a good spin on the otherwise 'interesting' combination :-)

There was also this other Chinese Astrology test which I tried, and from a compatibility range of +10 to -10, the result from my birth date and his came out to be.. '-5'. I wasn't sure whether to laugh or cry seeing the result :-/

The only more positive result came from the calculation of the compatibility of our biorhythms, which is at 78%. Well always glad to know that we are not yet a total disaster.

Truth is, all this while I never quite buy into all these destiny-written-in-the-stars stuff, not even when my dad told me that his parent warned him before about being astrologically incompatible with my mom before they were married and that now my dad believes there is indeed some truth in his parent's words.

But you know what, having said that, my dad also told me he instinctively knew that my mom was the woman he'd marry someday the first time he met her. And though it's a fact that they argued and fighted every other day throughout my 25 years of life, and that they also often bitched to me how much they hated each other's character, somehow I know, that they do love each other very much. Their union may not be made in heaven, it is no less true.

And recently as I got myself addicted to chasing episodes of Desperate Housewives, thanks to some interesting conversations between him and his hyterical (as in funny, not insane) friend, I found myself identifying with the Van de Kamp couple. They may not have had the best compatibility and the happiest life, but they loved each other until the end.

One of my favourite quotes by Sam Keen, "You come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly.”

So now that I know me and him aren't exactly the golden boys' match in heaven, it just made me want to make it work all the more, cos I've always believed that our own destinies are up to us to shape. Be it for better or for worse, I'll give it my best try.

The Deconstruction of a Failed Romance

I'm playing Il Divo's 'Rejoice' as I'm writing this entry, because it was the song that was playing when me and him were once lost in each other's embrace, back in a time I thought I had found what was thought to be lost. I purposely play this song, because I want to tell myself that I'm strong enough to be reminded of the countless sweet memories left during the past one month.

Just came back from a post-heartbreak consultation session (my friend's term) with a friend, really made me feel much better now. It really was the best remedy for a heartbroken case like me, to be able to get the words out of my chest, I feel relieved. Of course, the friend was really supportive, provided me useful comments and his thoughts on the failed romance. What more could I ask for from a friend? A big thanks to him.

All past romantic attempts provided me much experience and lessons on many things, this recent one is no exception.

During the conversation with my friend, he asked me what happened last night that lead to the early demise of the romance. I told him I was the one who brought about the demise..

Yesterday when I went out with my romantic interest, I noticed that he was being unusually distant. I kept trying to strike conversations, but all lead to dead ends. At the dinner, I asked him again what was bothering him, he told me he felt bored. I told him being with him was all that was required to make me happy, boringness was not an issue to me, and from that he retorted, it was meaningless to do something when it was boring.

At which point, I brought up the questions to him, eg. what does he feel like doing that will make him happy? Does he know what he want? To which he answered, he did not know.

He asked, "Do you think we are compatible?".

"I'd like to think so," I replied.

He said I was being too accommodating to him, cos I always asked and followed his preferences, he thought that I had no self opinion. I told him it was not so, I do have my own opinions. But I guess he only saw my attempts at being nice to him as a weakness, and not a merit.

I told him about my frustrations on not knowing how to make him happy because he kept most things to himself, about him avoiding eye contacts with me, about him not feeling happy when he was out with me.

I suggested to him that perhaps he already knew I was not the one for him, that he was just being too nice to reject me after all the sweet memories we had been through together. I understood his situation because I was in the same shoe with my ex last time, I wanted so much for a relationship that time with my ex that I tried so hard to convince myself to give it a try when the fact was that deep inside I already knew my ex was not the one I was looking for. I only broke up with my ex after he forced me into making a decision, something which I glad he did, because if he didn't, I think eventually the break up would still happen, and it would only bring us more misery in the end by avoiding to face the facts. Guess this time the role has reversed, I became the one who was hoping for the impossible.

At this point of the recount, my friend commented that perhaps I was being too hasty in baring so much on the table after just one month of dating. I replied my friend, I would really have liked to continue living in the fairy tale had my romantic interest not being so cold yesterday until it felt to me like walking with a hesitant stranger. Love/relationship/dating is not a one man's effort, if it brings no happiness, why do it, right?

Throughout the romance, I was constantly reminded of my romantic interest's distaste in 'shampoo boys' and 'lala boys'. During the NYE's countdown at LQ, he called the place 'junk' and boring. This brings me to another fact that I learnt from this romance.

Apparently there is a class distinction between those who live in PJ and those who live in non-PJ, specifically Cheras. Those from PJ are deemed as of higher class because they have better dress sense, speak good English and are generally more mentally sophisticated from their lower class counterparts living in Cheras, where most of the 'lala boys' are known to come from.

One of my Cheras friend had some rather nasty things to say about PJ guys, because his ex was one. He generalised PJ guys as snotty and pretentious. I wouldn't go so far as labelling all PJ guys as such, but from my own experiences, most unfortunately happened to be as described to a certain degree. One PJ guy even told me straight at the face that he would think twice if a guy introduced himself as one from Cheras, this is how serious the class distinction can be.

But you know what? The friend whom I just had the consultation session with was from PJ as well, and he had none of the above characteristics, other than the fact that he speaks mainly English. He even acknowledged the funnily accented English PJ guys seem to crave on. Heck, I even picked this funny practise up from my romantic interest, but of course, I tried not to consciously put too much accent for fear of ridiculing myself.

The thing with this PJ/Cheras class division is that, given the fact that majority of people in PJ are English educated and of higher income class, where else guys in Cheras are mostly those from poorer family or from out of city, it is no wonder the division exists, but to have such strong bias towards either one is like being racist or sexist. Why must we judge others by such qualities when the fact is that we don't choose the environment we grew up from, eg. some will be luckier than others. Gays are already a marginalised minority, by dividing ourselves further into such geographical classes, we would only marginalise ourselves even further.

My romantic interest had very exquisite tastes in everything, I felt inferior in many ways. He was always the one impeccably and tastefully dressed, the one who uses mostly high quality range of products; me in contrast had not always have the best of dress sense and could not care less about expensive brands of body care products. I could not help but think that perhaps when he said being incompatible, it included this part of our differences as well, that I simply do not appear as sophisticated as his taste.

Thus next time if you see me wearing designer labels from head to toe, you should know then how I had come to be a fashion slave :-P And at this point, my friend was commenting that I'm already trying to look for faults in my romantic interest to make myself feel better after losing him. Sadly I couldn't agree more. How else could I free myself from the urge to have a person if not with attempts to de-value him in my mind, that he is probably not worth it? I know this sounds very much self-comforting, but if it'll make me feel better and help me release myself from the grief, I really wouldn't mind.

I think I have written most of what had been going through my mind since the post-heartbreak reflection. One more thing to add would be, in the end I did not want to force my romantic interest into making a choice, in fact I told him I'd be very much willing to give it a try if he is willing to give it a try as well, and let things be open ended, for I obviously never wanted it to end. But now it's up to him, cos I think I have done my part and initiating any further attempts by me would be short of begging, which level even for someone like me who adores him so much is not ready to sink to yet.

"What was lost is found" is the last line of the song's lyrics. How very true I wish it could be.

06 > 07

The first New Year's Eve that I did not join my usual friends for countdown, was the worst one I could ever hope to get.

I couldn't believe that I actually convinced him to dump me on NYE, since when have I became such a convincing guy?

From the pinnacle that was Christmas Eve, to this rock bottom that is now, I don't think I can fall any lower. My heart has gone beyond grief that I don't even feel grief anymore. I want to cry out loud, but my stupid ego prevents me so.

Was anyone surprised to see that this is coming? Guess not. Someone up there thinks 25 is too young an age to graduate from the endless suffering cycle of finding true love.

As maddening and crazy things went from extremely happy to extreme heartache in one short week, tell me if this isn't some sick joke to prove to me once again there really is no happy ending for me. Not now, not ever.

But after what's said and done, if I could turn back time, I'm not sure I would have chosen not to know him. For I did find happiness, even if it only survived for that very short time..