The Deconstruction of a Failed Romance

I'm playing Il Divo's 'Rejoice' as I'm writing this entry, because it was the song that was playing when me and him were once lost in each other's embrace, back in a time I thought I had found what was thought to be lost. I purposely play this song, because I want to tell myself that I'm strong enough to be reminded of the countless sweet memories left during the past one month.

Just came back from a post-heartbreak consultation session (my friend's term) with a friend, really made me feel much better now. It really was the best remedy for a heartbroken case like me, to be able to get the words out of my chest, I feel relieved. Of course, the friend was really supportive, provided me useful comments and his thoughts on the failed romance. What more could I ask for from a friend? A big thanks to him.

All past romantic attempts provided me much experience and lessons on many things, this recent one is no exception.

During the conversation with my friend, he asked me what happened last night that lead to the early demise of the romance. I told him I was the one who brought about the demise..

Yesterday when I went out with my romantic interest, I noticed that he was being unusually distant. I kept trying to strike conversations, but all lead to dead ends. At the dinner, I asked him again what was bothering him, he told me he felt bored. I told him being with him was all that was required to make me happy, boringness was not an issue to me, and from that he retorted, it was meaningless to do something when it was boring.

At which point, I brought up the questions to him, eg. what does he feel like doing that will make him happy? Does he know what he want? To which he answered, he did not know.

He asked, "Do you think we are compatible?".

"I'd like to think so," I replied.

He said I was being too accommodating to him, cos I always asked and followed his preferences, he thought that I had no self opinion. I told him it was not so, I do have my own opinions. But I guess he only saw my attempts at being nice to him as a weakness, and not a merit.

I told him about my frustrations on not knowing how to make him happy because he kept most things to himself, about him avoiding eye contacts with me, about him not feeling happy when he was out with me.

I suggested to him that perhaps he already knew I was not the one for him, that he was just being too nice to reject me after all the sweet memories we had been through together. I understood his situation because I was in the same shoe with my ex last time, I wanted so much for a relationship that time with my ex that I tried so hard to convince myself to give it a try when the fact was that deep inside I already knew my ex was not the one I was looking for. I only broke up with my ex after he forced me into making a decision, something which I glad he did, because if he didn't, I think eventually the break up would still happen, and it would only bring us more misery in the end by avoiding to face the facts. Guess this time the role has reversed, I became the one who was hoping for the impossible.

At this point of the recount, my friend commented that perhaps I was being too hasty in baring so much on the table after just one month of dating. I replied my friend, I would really have liked to continue living in the fairy tale had my romantic interest not being so cold yesterday until it felt to me like walking with a hesitant stranger. Love/relationship/dating is not a one man's effort, if it brings no happiness, why do it, right?

Throughout the romance, I was constantly reminded of my romantic interest's distaste in 'shampoo boys' and 'lala boys'. During the NYE's countdown at LQ, he called the place 'junk' and boring. This brings me to another fact that I learnt from this romance.

Apparently there is a class distinction between those who live in PJ and those who live in non-PJ, specifically Cheras. Those from PJ are deemed as of higher class because they have better dress sense, speak good English and are generally more mentally sophisticated from their lower class counterparts living in Cheras, where most of the 'lala boys' are known to come from.

One of my Cheras friend had some rather nasty things to say about PJ guys, because his ex was one. He generalised PJ guys as snotty and pretentious. I wouldn't go so far as labelling all PJ guys as such, but from my own experiences, most unfortunately happened to be as described to a certain degree. One PJ guy even told me straight at the face that he would think twice if a guy introduced himself as one from Cheras, this is how serious the class distinction can be.

But you know what? The friend whom I just had the consultation session with was from PJ as well, and he had none of the above characteristics, other than the fact that he speaks mainly English. He even acknowledged the funnily accented English PJ guys seem to crave on. Heck, I even picked this funny practise up from my romantic interest, but of course, I tried not to consciously put too much accent for fear of ridiculing myself.

The thing with this PJ/Cheras class division is that, given the fact that majority of people in PJ are English educated and of higher income class, where else guys in Cheras are mostly those from poorer family or from out of city, it is no wonder the division exists, but to have such strong bias towards either one is like being racist or sexist. Why must we judge others by such qualities when the fact is that we don't choose the environment we grew up from, eg. some will be luckier than others. Gays are already a marginalised minority, by dividing ourselves further into such geographical classes, we would only marginalise ourselves even further.

My romantic interest had very exquisite tastes in everything, I felt inferior in many ways. He was always the one impeccably and tastefully dressed, the one who uses mostly high quality range of products; me in contrast had not always have the best of dress sense and could not care less about expensive brands of body care products. I could not help but think that perhaps when he said being incompatible, it included this part of our differences as well, that I simply do not appear as sophisticated as his taste.

Thus next time if you see me wearing designer labels from head to toe, you should know then how I had come to be a fashion slave :-P And at this point, my friend was commenting that I'm already trying to look for faults in my romantic interest to make myself feel better after losing him. Sadly I couldn't agree more. How else could I free myself from the urge to have a person if not with attempts to de-value him in my mind, that he is probably not worth it? I know this sounds very much self-comforting, but if it'll make me feel better and help me release myself from the grief, I really wouldn't mind.

I think I have written most of what had been going through my mind since the post-heartbreak reflection. One more thing to add would be, in the end I did not want to force my romantic interest into making a choice, in fact I told him I'd be very much willing to give it a try if he is willing to give it a try as well, and let things be open ended, for I obviously never wanted it to end. But now it's up to him, cos I think I have done my part and initiating any further attempts by me would be short of begging, which level even for someone like me who adores him so much is not ready to sink to yet.

"What was lost is found" is the last line of the song's lyrics. How very true I wish it could be.