Sissiness

To me, sissiness is somewhat like a taboo among the gays. I myself usually do not dare to comment such on my friends, cos I'm afraid that I might offend them.

Most gays prefer guys who are straight-acting, and as such straight-acting is deemed as somewhat of a desirable trait. Like I said, some might even take offence if being told that they are sissy.

However what most of us do not realise is that, sometimes no matter how much we might (love to) think that we are very macho/straight-acting, the fact is, it is probably just ourselves who didn't realise that we maybe sissy to a certain degree.

Take instance like me, I always thought that I'm a very straight-acting guy (seriously :-P). But when I had the chance to look at myself from some recorded videos showing my natural behaviours, I notice I can be embarassingly sissy at times, without myself realising that I was being sissy!

And it is not uncommon for me to come across people who claimed that they are straight-acting in their profile, when the fact is, one can easily spot them as a 'sister' from stones' throw away.

Make no mistake, I do not despise people who are sissy, cos to me, they can be really great friends and are really fun to be with due to their often vibrant characteristics. However when it comes to triggering my desire, straight-acting is still the main ingredient.

Hence my love for Mr. 'Badass' Russel Crowe, right? :-P

continued..

Mabuk asmara akibat rindui,
Ungkapan hati tutur tak berani;
Zuhur mengenang subur mengharapi,
Jarak denganmu dapat diharungi;
Onar minda tak berhenti,
Eka wajahmu sering kembali.

Not angel, not devil

I think I'm kinda ambiguous for a human being (no I don't mean bi :-P). The fact that I can be so understanding, and yet at the same time so 'un-understanding' (am I making sense here?) confounds me.

I can be understanding to the ones I like, but I can also be 'un-understanding' to the ones whom I have no special feelings for, save for friendships.

What is 'un-understanding'? It is when people shows interest in me, and I pretended not to notice, or worse still, avoided contact.

Fact is, one can easily know whether I am interested in pursuing further in a relationship or not, because I will always show my eagerness to be with him, and he will find me stealing eye contacts occasionally..

Often I wonder myself why am I so loveless, when it is apparent that I was the one who chose not to be loved by anyone, save for the one I truly love.

***

The following post is my first attempt at writing a Malay love poem (not even sure whether technically it can be called a poem :-P) sometime back. It does not matter anymore who I wrote it for or whether the person who received it last time understood it, what matters is that I was actually inspired to write one, hehe. So try not to laugh.. :)

I might have used some of the words wrongly, cos I just picked them up when looking into the Malay dictionaries for some nice sounding words with roughly the meanings that I wanted :P

V-day 06

Today is a very challenging day, regardless of whether you are single or attached.

For the happily attached couples, it might be a headache deciding on a place to spend this special evening with the least crowd and traffic jams. Not to mention, still survive financially after that.

For the rest of the self-claimed happily single populance, they have to find a way to endure the imminent sights of lovey-dopey couples E-V-E-R-Y-W-H-E-R-E, and maybe even the occasionally 'huh-poor-thing-still-single' sympathetic glares from them.

Alternatively, one can hide at home or go hang out with their equally single friends at a place where they can be free of the couple-mania and throw bachelor parties, where people usually either like to scream "FreeeeeeDOM!!!" or have group hugs, until this whole annual V-day ordeal is over.

As for me, I think I'll just pass the time by deciding between to send or not to send a 'Happy Valentine' message to him. Who knows, I might actually be able to press the 'send' button by accident when I'm sleepy enough..

(` ^`)>

Muri-po..

Turns out that it takes much more courage than I expected..

Everytime looking at the heart he sent back, I struggled whether I should send another one to him, all the while thinking, "Hmm.. does this make me look like a stalker?"

Of course, I always ended up clicking on the small 'heart' button yet another time, clinging to the hope that maybe he would reply me another heart again.

Seems like this is the only way I can communicate with him, fridae hearts-exchanging! How more pathetic can I get eh? Lol.

Yet stupid as it sounds, I am happy everytime he sent back a heart. I know it is just a heart, and a virtual one at that, but somehow I'm just glad that he is willing to send even just one more heart back to me.

Somehow, it seems enough..

Courage

Just came back from a trip in Cambodia. Walking among the many ancient ruins left by the old civilizations humbled me, and had me feeling like Indiana Jones, lol.

Finished watching Densha Otoko, shed even more tears towards the final episodes cos the main character never fails to become emotional in almost every scene ( ._.)'>

I think the story really taught me that sometimes courage is very important; it takes courage to fall in love, to confess love and to withstand the heartbreaks.. Although sometimes we may not get the Happy Ending, without courage to even try anything, the only ending we'll get is 'alone'.

I never thought that the simple words of "I love you" could be so touching. Maybe this is how it is supposed feel when someone says these three magical words to you, when they really meant it.

Perhaps I should give it another try? I could not forget him, eventhough I have refrained myself from communicating with him all these while. I didn't think I had a chance then, and I still don't think I have a chance now, but maybe some things are really worth more than our own pride and heartaches, and we would never find out unless we give it all we got.

"Was it a dream that day when we met?"

"No, not to me."

The Cherry Biting Incident

First, let it be said that I'm no Mr. Goody-2-shoes. As much as I despise ONS or any similiarly 'immoral' hobbies, I'm pretty much the one who's still practising them. And yes I know how majorly hypocrite this makes me sound, but aren't humans self-contradicting animals? :-)

So logically, my recount of this incident which happened during my 'checking out' of the latest sauna cruising sensation in town should not come as too much of a surprise, I hope :-P

After wandering through the sauna rooms, dark corridors (more like mazes) and one or two interesting 'special usage' rooms, I realised the place isn't actually as large I thought it would be. Basically the hunting grounds are only 2 floors.

Anyway, during a brief encounter, this guy was like so incredibly horny he became kinda rough, and had me stopping him after he bit on my two cherries (no, not the female version of cherry, its the two ones males have on their chest, I name them so cos mine have kinda pink hue to them and they just remind me of cherries, somehow, hehe).

What do we know, the moment we turned on the lights, there were these two huge marks nearby my cherries that under close inspections were actually bruise marks left from the bitings! It was kinda embarassing to me (and I remembered how I was laughing at my friend last time when he had his biting experience, lol), cos it made me looked like I had 4 cherries, and for Pete's sake they weren't even symmetrical!

So I ended up having to 'cup' my four cherries as best as I can with my hands without looking too much like a fool for the rest of my 'checking out' there.

After this incident, I'm seriously considering banning myself from anymore sauna visits, cos first, the cuties there apparently usually don't find me cute, and second, who knows what more 'accidents' like this biting incident I might encounter? Next time I might just get something even worse than extra two cherries! Lol.

Therefore, I urge anyone who sees me writing another diary about sauna visits in the future, please feel free to give me a big smack in the head for giving in again to my own guilty pleasure, unless its me checking out another new establishment :-P