The Calm

It's getting more difficult for me to continue in the happy story.

Doubts surfaced, and questions unanswered.. it's the familiar pattern of another story without an end.

It has been barely a month since we first met, perhaps he still isn't sure, perhaps he's already having second thoughts, or perhaps I'm just being too insecured and paranoid, but the thing is, I'm beginning to think for the worse from the way things turning from hot to cold lately.

I won't be surprised even if is really so, cos there are never guarantees, he can love you like you are the only thing that mattered, only to abandon you next when the flame has died down.

It's just sad really, that when others are ready to love you forever, you said you are not; and when you think you are ready to love forever, they are having second thoughts.

We have not said anything about love actually, just because of that two times of the word 'boyfriend' he mentioned so casually in his sentences, that I gave myself false hope into thinking this could actually be it, the be-all-end-all of my quest for the one whom I'll be walking happily together with for the rest of my life.

"Silly boy", one of my female colleague used to tease me. I guess I am.

Happy New Year and wish you all many happy returns.

Somewhere over the rainbow

Not sure whether I could ask for a better Christmas than the one I just had, cos afterall, is there anything better than spending it with someone you like/love?

When I was wishing day and night for it to happen, the wait felt like an eternity, but when it really did happen, it felt like a small, tiny relunctant snowball, slowly gathering mass and momentum as it rolls down the snowy hill, and finally arriving like a huge avalanche, hitting me all at once in what felt like a split of a second.

Even after getting hit by this avalanche, I felt unreal, is it possible for things to be this good and yet still be real? All this time my experience taught me this simply could not be the case, but yet I can't help but grab onto this hope that maybe all this time I was just misled, that good things do come true to those who waited.

I want to believe.. that wishes do come true.

Merry Christmas, and may all be blessed on this magical day.

The Attainability Index

The early stage of courtship, is what I find among the most difficult.

Some told me I should not show my interest too much early in this stage to avoid looking like one of those desperate guys. But I detest, how little interest should I show enough to let the other party know that I AM interested but yet not look desperate?

I'm in constant struggling and dilemma. Should I call him? Should I ask him out again? Should I text him after the meeting? Or should I wait for him to make the move and risk letting him misunderstood that I'm not interested? What if he is thinking the same and we ended up not going anywhere because we both were too afraid to make the first move?

I came up with a formula:

Attainability Index X Desirability Index

The more attainable you seem, the less desirable others might find you, and vice versa.
So in order to maximize your desirability, you should minimize your attainability. The question again is, how unattainable should you be before others find you to be totally unattainable and hence causing a backfire effect?

It's often agonizing to try acting so cool in front of someone you like so tremendously that I wonder why do we do such things that betray our true feelings.

I think we are all pretty much insecured these days, for I feel awfully fearful whenever I fall for someone. The better things seem to go, the greater my fear becomes, because I feel the more I gain, the more I have to lose.

Yet still, it does not stop me from keep wanting for that elusive thing called love..

All I want for Christmas is you

As cliche as my Christmas wishes sound, they are really what I wanted.

To my friend who was angry and confused by his ex, remember that the reason we can see the faults in others, is because we ourselves share those same faults. If you really (and still do) love him, accept him as who he is and continue to love no matter what, because in the end what matters is to know that you loved with no remorse. And thanks for your flattering words, I finally understood who that guy you mentioned was lol. Never really expected you noticed, but am glad you did nevertheless.

To my friend who is as sentimental as me, love is easy when all is still in the mind, if it's meant to happen, it will happen eventually, no power nor force could stop it. Keep your passion for love alive as long as you live, and I'm sure you'll find good use for it in no time.

To my friend whom I have waited for an eternity, I realized that no one should suffer distance alone, cos if one does, there probably isn't anything worth waiting for at the other end.

To the rest of my friends who have been dropping by this blog every once in a while, I regret to have not been able to keep in touch with you often enough that this blog has became the only bridge between us. Be assured that I do take comfort in knowing that there are those who are still willing cross this bridge, let's hope that we do meet again on an actual bridge someday.

Keep those sappy Christmas songs coming ;-)

Let it snow

Good ol' Christmas is here again, just thinking about it makes me warm and giddy inside :-D

Call me a romantic idiot, but do you know what's one my lifetime dreams? To spend a white Christmas at Paris or New York with the one I love. Somehow these two cities just pop into my mind whenever I think about romantic getaways, yea thanks to all those Hollywood movies :-P

But I guess in order to reach that dream, I need both money and a 'someone'. Well, money is easy (yea right..), but 'someone'? I'd have much better chance becoming a millionaire (yea riiight..) ;-)

How to survive a Sunday

I finally got a text reply from him. He was busy last night, so only replied me today afternoon. I told him to text me again later tonight after his dinner if he still wishes to meet up.

I'm still unsure how he feels about me, but I'm sure how I feel about him now and here. When you really like someone, you'll feel like you want to do everything with him, you'll feel like you want him by your side every moment of the day. I guess I really like him.

So I'll have to wait until this evening to know whether Lady Luck smiles on me this time.
What better way to spend the lonely Sunday afternoon (with lovely weather) than watching a romantic flick like 'The Lake House'? Boy did it do wonders to my romantic pysche, it gave me just the enough doses of hope in romance again, probably to survive through tonight.

Ok, hope you had a better Sunday, and wish me luck :-)

Deja vu

You know I'm gonna talk about the movie didn't you? :-P Well, I have to be honest and say that I did watch the movie just few hours ago, found it not as bad as I originally thought it would be. Loopholes in the plot aplenty yes, but still watchable for me.

There's another reason why I chose this title though, mostly to do with what was happening to me recently. All the symptoms and emotions were just too familiar to be ignored, eg. the constant mood swings, the pessimistic thoughts, the doubts, the hopeful checks for sms on the mobile, the extra sensitivity towards sentimental songs, the images of someone constantly popping up in the mind..

There are things which always go the opposite direction you want it to go, my luck with guys seem to be among such things. The more I want something to happen, the lesser chance it has of actually happening; and most often the more I didn't want something to happen, happen it did in the end. Irony? Maybe, but I just find it kinda sad actually.

When would I be able to break free from this neverending cycle of hopefuls and disappointments? One day I'm gonna be at an age when I would look back at all these countless people that have went through my life, how many would I still be able to remember? How many actually mattered to me? Will there be anyone left in the end that's gonna lean against me and ask me to hold his hands?

I'd like to think that the reason I've been single most of the time isn't always my choosiness, but rather the fact that I have not met anyone who can love me as much as I love him.
It's really that simple, to me at least :-)

Against the odds

A: What type of guys do you like?

J: Uhm..

A: So you are ok with any type?

J: No, not any type..

(Actually what I really really wanted to say was, "You are one of the types", but what shy person would say that in the first meeting?)

I'm now again in a catch-22. Scared of having hope, cos I've failed so many times I'd be a fool to put myself into that kind of misery again. But then if I don't give it a try, I might regret for the rest of my life.

I realise I'm getting more and more terrified allowing myself to give a try these days, cos every subsequent failures just make it that much more harder to try it again the next time.

The formula so far seems to be - The more I like someone, the less chance of success I have.

With this kind of a success rate, can you really blame me for being such negative? :-(

On another note, after fooling myself that I might have a chance for all these while, I have finally deleted S from my messenger list, cos this way I won't be tempted to click him anymore and I think I've clicked him enough times so far to know my clicks don't really work the way I hoped they do lol. Hopefully this time I can just be done with S once and for all and move on, for real :-)