1. young guy looks for LTR ->
2. young guy bumps into older guy ->
3. older guy only looking for fun ->
4. young guy dissapointed ->
5. repeats 1 - 4 for some time ->
6. young guy gives up hope in LTR and starts looking only for fun ->
7. young guy becomes older guy ->
8. go back to 1
Sunday, June 25, 2006
Monday, June 19, 2006
The Sign
No, not the movie which everyone thought was not really about alien invasion but turned out to be alien invasion afterall, lol.
I'm talking about signs, those that I read off people all too much and to my dismay, all too correctly.
What happens after the first meeting always put me into nervous breakdown, especially when I found myself constantly thinking of the person whom I just met, and feel so eager to meet again.
Usually if someone doesn't really like me during the meeting, I can somewhat catch the cue, and I'll most probably going to forget about hoping for a second date and try to just keep it as pure friendship.
The problem is when someone gives out all the strong signals of liking me (or at least enjoying my company), being 'affectionate' to me and showing eagerness of seeing me again, but in the end said they were only looking for friends or didn't even bother to contact me again, well you can imagine how dissapointed I can be.
I understand some are like me, who likes to remain silent and hope that the other party will get the meaning that they are not interested any more eventually. I just realised how much a pain-in-the-ass this silence thing is for the suffering party.
I would usually take the sign that when the other party doesn't initiate any contact anymore or likes to end chats in a hurry, that they are no longer interested.
But sometimes you just don't feel like accepting the hard cold truth that you have come to derive yourself, and you ended up sending out some stupid (and potentially emotional) questions to the other party to confirm your feelings, which would usually end up either making a supposedly good relation turn sour, getting a flat out rejection or worse, more silence! :-)
I'm not totally against the use of silence, because it saves you from having to explain to countless admirers why you do not find them attractive enough.
But when you use silence for someone you no longer find desirable and you fear explaining will only cause more pain to the other party, well the sad truth is, silence is just almost as painful as any other words. I think it's almost akin to hiring a killer to do the dirty job for you.
Ok, think I've confused even myself of what I'm supposed to say here, lol. But anyway, I think I speak for myself when I say that,
"Mean what you say, and say what you mean. To me, affections should only be shown when you really like someone, not when you are horny."
I'm talking about signs, those that I read off people all too much and to my dismay, all too correctly.
What happens after the first meeting always put me into nervous breakdown, especially when I found myself constantly thinking of the person whom I just met, and feel so eager to meet again.
Usually if someone doesn't really like me during the meeting, I can somewhat catch the cue, and I'll most probably going to forget about hoping for a second date and try to just keep it as pure friendship.
The problem is when someone gives out all the strong signals of liking me (or at least enjoying my company), being 'affectionate' to me and showing eagerness of seeing me again, but in the end said they were only looking for friends or didn't even bother to contact me again, well you can imagine how dissapointed I can be.
I understand some are like me, who likes to remain silent and hope that the other party will get the meaning that they are not interested any more eventually. I just realised how much a pain-in-the-ass this silence thing is for the suffering party.
I would usually take the sign that when the other party doesn't initiate any contact anymore or likes to end chats in a hurry, that they are no longer interested.
But sometimes you just don't feel like accepting the hard cold truth that you have come to derive yourself, and you ended up sending out some stupid (and potentially emotional) questions to the other party to confirm your feelings, which would usually end up either making a supposedly good relation turn sour, getting a flat out rejection or worse, more silence! :-)
I'm not totally against the use of silence, because it saves you from having to explain to countless admirers why you do not find them attractive enough.
But when you use silence for someone you no longer find desirable and you fear explaining will only cause more pain to the other party, well the sad truth is, silence is just almost as painful as any other words. I think it's almost akin to hiring a killer to do the dirty job for you.
Ok, think I've confused even myself of what I'm supposed to say here, lol. But anyway, I think I speak for myself when I say that,
"Mean what you say, and say what you mean. To me, affections should only be shown when you really like someone, not when you are horny."
Thursday, June 08, 2006
Dangerous Liaisons
I find it hard to maintain pure friendships with gay friends.
In a lot cases, it is either they befriend me with some hope for romantic/sex interest, or it is me who befriend them with some hope for romantic (rarely just sex :-P) interest.
It is actually quite hard to find someone who can be just friends, without any worries of further complications on sex or relationships.
Sometimes there are some friendships which I hope could go further into a relationship, but that comes the tricky part - I just don't know how the other person would react should I proceed to confess my feelings. Sometimes they made me felt like they like me more than as a friend, but other times they made me felt like I am but just a friend to them. Oh the confusion! LOL.
When I like a person, I can do a lot and give up a lot for him. All this while I have been hoping to look for the Mr. Right who could do the same for me. So far there were 3 such person, but the irony was that it was I who dissapointed them in the end, because as much as I enjoyed being loved by them, ultimately they were not the one I was looking for.
I tend to get emotionally attached quite easily, that's why in the end I get burnt easily. But in a way, I am also lucky in that I can detach quite easily as well, just that sometimes the pain is stronger and it takes longer to heal, forget and move on. I believe that, eventually time can heal most pains, if not all.
If you find me not replying you or not keeping in touch as often, probably it means I detected some romantic interest from you who I have no romantic interest in, and I do hope you'd understand and forgive me for taking such 'evasive maneuvers', because I just didn't want you to be even more dissapointed in the end.
Someone once commented that I sounded more mature than my age cos there are a lot of bitterness in my diaries. Yes, it is true I write mostly when I'm bitter, and when I needed to sort things out of my oftenly confused mind. But I think bitter is not always a bad thing.
Because without darkness, how can we appreciate light?
In a lot cases, it is either they befriend me with some hope for romantic/sex interest, or it is me who befriend them with some hope for romantic (rarely just sex :-P) interest.
It is actually quite hard to find someone who can be just friends, without any worries of further complications on sex or relationships.
Sometimes there are some friendships which I hope could go further into a relationship, but that comes the tricky part - I just don't know how the other person would react should I proceed to confess my feelings. Sometimes they made me felt like they like me more than as a friend, but other times they made me felt like I am but just a friend to them. Oh the confusion! LOL.
When I like a person, I can do a lot and give up a lot for him. All this while I have been hoping to look for the Mr. Right who could do the same for me. So far there were 3 such person, but the irony was that it was I who dissapointed them in the end, because as much as I enjoyed being loved by them, ultimately they were not the one I was looking for.
I tend to get emotionally attached quite easily, that's why in the end I get burnt easily. But in a way, I am also lucky in that I can detach quite easily as well, just that sometimes the pain is stronger and it takes longer to heal, forget and move on. I believe that, eventually time can heal most pains, if not all.
If you find me not replying you or not keeping in touch as often, probably it means I detected some romantic interest from you who I have no romantic interest in, and I do hope you'd understand and forgive me for taking such 'evasive maneuvers', because I just didn't want you to be even more dissapointed in the end.
Someone once commented that I sounded more mature than my age cos there are a lot of bitterness in my diaries. Yes, it is true I write mostly when I'm bitter, and when I needed to sort things out of my oftenly confused mind. But I think bitter is not always a bad thing.
Because without darkness, how can we appreciate light?
Monday, June 05, 2006
Bliss
Recently I had my first try at artificial happiness.
It's like drunk, only difference was that I didn't throw up and I didn't have the overwhelming smell of alcohol, both of which I didn't miss too much.
For the first time I understood why people seek artificial happiness, whether it be the liquid from the bottle or the little beans from that small plastic bag.
It was bliss.
It was as if I have became another person, whose mental locks have been opened and somehow I found calmness, peace and contentment within myself.
During the aritificially induced happiness, I realized that I was rather fond of this other side of me, who was more outspoken, daring and fun. And yes, I could probably keep yakking until the sun comes out being in that state, lol.
Which brings me to my point, why is it that I could not be as outspoken, daring and fun during my normal self if that's the person I would like to be? Why can't I be as happy and carefree without being artificially influenced?
I'm a rather (some say) shy and uptight (some say cool :-P) guy in person, but in actual I've always wanted to be that bubbly-charismatic-outgoing-fun guy that I can only become when under the influence.
It might have been my upbringing, or it might have been many other reasons which caused me to put in all those mental locks and obstacles in my mind from being the person I want to be. Try as I may, but it's rather hard to change the mentality of a person, eventhough it's my own.
Something happened during this first time when I was under the influence, it was dissapointing at first, but later it turned out to be one of the nights I would not likely forget. I found something else during the period which I did not expect to find. My only regret was that I had to find it under such circumstance.
Despite all these, I still wouldn't condone the use of artificial happiness, because it is only a temporary solution and it always will be. Although it did help me realise how much more bliss I could have attained and how different I could have been without the mental chains, I sure hope to learn to find bliss and re-discover the fun part of me someday on my own, without any artificial tools perhaps :-)
It's like drunk, only difference was that I didn't throw up and I didn't have the overwhelming smell of alcohol, both of which I didn't miss too much.
For the first time I understood why people seek artificial happiness, whether it be the liquid from the bottle or the little beans from that small plastic bag.
It was bliss.
It was as if I have became another person, whose mental locks have been opened and somehow I found calmness, peace and contentment within myself.
During the aritificially induced happiness, I realized that I was rather fond of this other side of me, who was more outspoken, daring and fun. And yes, I could probably keep yakking until the sun comes out being in that state, lol.
Which brings me to my point, why is it that I could not be as outspoken, daring and fun during my normal self if that's the person I would like to be? Why can't I be as happy and carefree without being artificially influenced?
I'm a rather (some say) shy and uptight (some say cool :-P) guy in person, but in actual I've always wanted to be that bubbly-charismatic-outgoing-fun guy that I can only become when under the influence.
It might have been my upbringing, or it might have been many other reasons which caused me to put in all those mental locks and obstacles in my mind from being the person I want to be. Try as I may, but it's rather hard to change the mentality of a person, eventhough it's my own.
Something happened during this first time when I was under the influence, it was dissapointing at first, but later it turned out to be one of the nights I would not likely forget. I found something else during the period which I did not expect to find. My only regret was that I had to find it under such circumstance.
Despite all these, I still wouldn't condone the use of artificial happiness, because it is only a temporary solution and it always will be. Although it did help me realise how much more bliss I could have attained and how different I could have been without the mental chains, I sure hope to learn to find bliss and re-discover the fun part of me someday on my own, without any artificial tools perhaps :-)
Saturday, June 03, 2006
The end of the road
Recently I met up again with the guy whom I used to like so much that I wrote a love poem to him once.
Over the dinner, to much of my surprise, he told me he was engaged 1 month ago to a girl under a pre-arranged marriage by his parents, and they will be married probably sometime during end of the year.
After hearing the news, I was rather surprised to find that I was much calmer than I thought, perhaps it was because my crush for him had already ended long time ago in the past.
However now I am actually feeling sorry for him, because he told me altough he likes the girl, he has no love for her. The girl on the other hand, seems to love him and told him she doesn't mind that he does not love her now, cos she thinks that love may be developed later after their marriage.
I told him, I did not know people in this age and time still practise pre-arranged marriages, but he told me, he is not the only child in his family who got pre-arranged marriage, so it is actually quite a normal practise. Perhaps we came from a different cultural background, for him, he carries the responsibility of getting married, while in my case, marriage is not forced.
According to him, actually he was glad to have the pre-arranged marriage. I think maybe it's because it will save him the trouble of finding a girl to get married himself, cos as it is now, everything is already prepared for him, all he needs to do is to attend the wedding and be with his future wife every so often.
I must be honest and say that I do not really know what he wants, maybe he is a bisexual, seeing how he has had girlfriends in the past, but apparently he also likes playing with guys. I do not envy his wife, for from what I see, he is probably a confused person. He feels lonely, yet he doesn't know what is the cause, or perhaps he doesn't want to acknowledge what he really wants because he knows it is impossible for him to have.
Nevertheless, I wish him and his wife all the happiness, I sincerely hope the marriage and perhaps a family with his own children will help he find what has been alluding him all these time.
As for me, I am wondering what awaits me at the end of the road. At the moment, I am obesessed with finding my Mr. Right. So what happens after I have found my life partner? What will I be looking for then? Does having a life partner means I will live happily ever after? Will I not be sad again over the little things that bug me? Will I still look for even more things to worry about and aim for?
I have a friend who has found his perfect life partner, yet on online messenger he still sound like he's always frustrated with life. So I was just wondering, if having someone who loves you as much as you love him still cannot make you happy with your life, what will?
Will we ever feel contented?
Over the dinner, to much of my surprise, he told me he was engaged 1 month ago to a girl under a pre-arranged marriage by his parents, and they will be married probably sometime during end of the year.
After hearing the news, I was rather surprised to find that I was much calmer than I thought, perhaps it was because my crush for him had already ended long time ago in the past.
However now I am actually feeling sorry for him, because he told me altough he likes the girl, he has no love for her. The girl on the other hand, seems to love him and told him she doesn't mind that he does not love her now, cos she thinks that love may be developed later after their marriage.
I told him, I did not know people in this age and time still practise pre-arranged marriages, but he told me, he is not the only child in his family who got pre-arranged marriage, so it is actually quite a normal practise. Perhaps we came from a different cultural background, for him, he carries the responsibility of getting married, while in my case, marriage is not forced.
According to him, actually he was glad to have the pre-arranged marriage. I think maybe it's because it will save him the trouble of finding a girl to get married himself, cos as it is now, everything is already prepared for him, all he needs to do is to attend the wedding and be with his future wife every so often.
I must be honest and say that I do not really know what he wants, maybe he is a bisexual, seeing how he has had girlfriends in the past, but apparently he also likes playing with guys. I do not envy his wife, for from what I see, he is probably a confused person. He feels lonely, yet he doesn't know what is the cause, or perhaps he doesn't want to acknowledge what he really wants because he knows it is impossible for him to have.
Nevertheless, I wish him and his wife all the happiness, I sincerely hope the marriage and perhaps a family with his own children will help he find what has been alluding him all these time.
As for me, I am wondering what awaits me at the end of the road. At the moment, I am obesessed with finding my Mr. Right. So what happens after I have found my life partner? What will I be looking for then? Does having a life partner means I will live happily ever after? Will I not be sad again over the little things that bug me? Will I still look for even more things to worry about and aim for?
I have a friend who has found his perfect life partner, yet on online messenger he still sound like he's always frustrated with life. So I was just wondering, if having someone who loves you as much as you love him still cannot make you happy with your life, what will?
Will we ever feel contented?
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