Of crushes and jealousies; Of sex and casuality

If I do not feel jealous when someone would rather spend time flirting with others than be with me,
I do not enjoy his company any more than the next guy.

If I do not feel jealous when someone would do something for someone else while take what I did for him as granted,
he does not mean enough to me for me to give a hoot.

If I do not feel jealous when someone re-tells me his sexual escapades,
I am not in love with him.

***

I used to be able to treat sex as a casual thing,
but nowadays I think I am slowly losing that ability.

Almost every profile I see,
the guys I fancy are just looking for sex.

The guys I don't fancy enough,
they want me for real.

Animals have sex to propagate,
we gays mostly have sex because it's fun.

How much of promiscuous sex is enough?
How much of fun is enough?

For some life is about enjoying ourselves to the fullest,
and having sex with as many different people as possible is part of the enjoyment.

Where and when does the fine line between making love and making sex become ambiguous?

This is why sex buddy arrangements will never work for me. To have sex with a person that many times, probably means I like him more than I thought.

The people I had ONS with, I had to make sure they are the kind I would never think twice about not seeing again. This is the only time I can say, "No strings attached".

Those whom I have had sex with and still remained friends is an extremely rare breed, because I think most of the time having had sex between friends makes the friendship very ambiguous. For one, I would never have sex with a normal friend. Which means if I had sex with a 'friend', it either means to me he is not just a friend, or that he's the kind of friend I would not likely be close with.

Maybe it's just my very sentimental view on sex, maybe sex is really what nature intended it to be - just a way to procreate without any 'feeling' attached.

Sometimes I can't believe I can have such holistic view on sex, I mean I'm a gay for Pete's sake! I am supposed to be able to enjoy it and not think twice about satisfying that libido anytime and anywhere I want.

Someone should really put some senses back into me :-P

The Boy From Onion Alley

He hail from a home of snow,
Came here to get some sunny glow.

He is one of many friends and bedside lovers,
I am but one of the entry on his list of phone numbers.

It's a foolish thing to do,
Yet I can't help but fall.

Falling into him,
Falling into the swirling tide of his charisma and kindness.

The further I fall,
The more painful it is and the harder it is for me to hide my feeling.

Seeing him with those that he fancied,
My heart wretched beyond understanding.

Jealousy was in me,
Causing unnecessary pain onto me.

But after all that were said and done,
I would probably still do it all over again.

For all that were painful,
There were also wonders.

With him for the first time I felt contented,
As if my search for happiness has finally ended.

But if meeting him was like a dream,
Then now I have awaken.

Part of me wants to stay in that dream,
But the other part of me knows that dreams were never meant to be forever.

I am glad he had stopped by,
Even if it was just for a while.

Thank you for everything, ja :-)

Meaningful Relationships

What constitutes to being 'meaningful'?

Or rather, is there any relationships that are not meaningful?

I guess in order to qualify as a relationship in the first place, it must have meant something to both parties at one point.

And this 'meaning' that I refer to, why is it so important to me? If a relationship is not meaningful, does it mean it's time wasting and we should regret going through it?

I believe everything that happens to us, has something to be learnt behind it, whether they be good or bad experience. Same goes for relationships, there can be good or bad relationships, but there are none that are 'meaningless'.

Oh, think I'm contradicting myself again lol.

Recent events have got me into re-thinking my definition of a relationship, maybe I am really not the kind who can maintain a long term relationship afterall? Eventhough I seem to have been craving for it for what seem like an eternity, and keep re-iterating the reason that I still have not found it is because I have not found my Mr. Right.

Could it be that after so many encounters with the devil, I myself have become the devil?