Protector vs. Protected

I usually project the image that I'm a top guy, and most of the time I am, because I don't like showing my vulnerability and being seen as the weaker one. Or, you can also say that I have an ego problem (*chuckles*, uhm I meant *ahem*).

I don't know about other gay men, whether those supposedly butch ones are really that butch both inside and outside, cos for me, I find myself divided between times when I wanted to protect someone and times when I wanted to be protected.

One popular question people tends to ask is whether one likes someone younger or older? For me, it doesn't really make much difference, because I had fell for both younger and older guys before. And whenever I am the older one, I tend to automatically switch to the 'protector' mode, where else when I am the younger one, I'll automatically switch to the 'protected' mode. I know this is probably due to the common notion that the older guy is supposed to take care of the younger one.

Nevertheless it makes me wonder, especially recently, do I really want to be the protector or the protected?

Frankly speaking, I enjoyed being in both roles (*cough*). But in a relationship, must it always be defined that one is the protector and the other is the protected?

Take straight couples for example, I'm sure most of the time the men would be the ones expected to take on the role of the 'protector' while the women would be the 'protected'. But is there really no point in time that the men would feel the need to be protected by their female companions as well?

I don't know how this topic came to me suddenly, seeing how my mind has been a total mess lately. I have reached the point where I think I have ran out of stuff to think, everything felt like recycled garbage to me - same ol' topics on love, sex and frustrations of everyday life.

For the first time in many many moons, I couldn't sleep well last night, and that landed me on a visit to the doctor the next day. I know my problem was I did not have enough sleep, yet tried as I may, I just couldn't fall asleep. My eyes are tired, my body is tired, but my mind is like running at 200 kmph.

Ok, think I better go make another try at the sleeping thing now, cos really don't want another MC tomorrow. It's raining outside, so I hope should be quite nice for sleeping :-)