Another week went by, was supposed to be an easy week for me as I was on leave the whole week, but the bored me had to go chat people up, looking for trouble..
For the first time I came across net friends who could be so unreasonable. It shocked me, and I wondered why only now I realise that it's a wild wild world out there, guess I was just being lucky before this for knowing mostly nice people.
I think I've been too active this year, seeking friends from this circle, going through relationships, stumbling a lot along the way, and many a time making a fool out of myself.
But I think I learned a lot, and I know that I'm flawed in many things, i.e. differentiating love and affection, dealing with crushes, managing friends, over-exposing myself (lol), inferiority complex (for aiming too high) and so on..
People always say I'm shallow, putting more weight on outlooks than the inner heart, I don't blame them, cos I'm admittedly a very visual person. I have been so since young, as I used to draw a lot, and drawing makes me pay a lot of attention to the visual pleasentness of everything, especially people.
Somehow this superficial trait has extended and permeated into my subconscious. To me, the character of a person is no less important, but currently I don't think it's possible for me to fall in love with someone based on just their character, my desire for a person can only come from the sum of the person, and that includes his physical appearence.
As much as I want to sound like an enlightened person, it kinda sucks to have to admit that I'm still bound by my basic lust for pleasent looking things.
Well I guess this is why reality is reality, and ideals are just .. ideals.
Saturday, November 26, 2005
Monday, November 21, 2005
Hang up the phone
Lately I have came across stories of relationships where one party confessed not really loving his bf and that the reason they are still together is because he do not want to hurt his bf or he is afraid of whatever bad consequences that might befall him should he leave his bf.
I have been through a similiar situation before, so I can understand somewhat their dilemma. Being in a relationship gives us a sense of security, and it's always easier to tell ourselves to remain in a safe situation (being loved) than to break out of it and become single (alone/vulnerable) again, for some of us can remember how depressing being alone can be.
But I have learned it the hard way, that a relationship is not a place where we go for just shelter and be safe in, it's supposed to be a mean to bind two loving person together, where both sides crave for each other and want to be with each other just as much.
However, it seems many have made a prison out of it, trapping themselves along with the other parties in the illusion of love.
It is disheartening to see when this happen, therefore I have learned to be much more honest to myself and others nowadays.
It's one thing to live in other's love, it's another thing to live in a lie.
I have been through a similiar situation before, so I can understand somewhat their dilemma. Being in a relationship gives us a sense of security, and it's always easier to tell ourselves to remain in a safe situation (being loved) than to break out of it and become single (alone/vulnerable) again, for some of us can remember how depressing being alone can be.
But I have learned it the hard way, that a relationship is not a place where we go for just shelter and be safe in, it's supposed to be a mean to bind two loving person together, where both sides crave for each other and want to be with each other just as much.
However, it seems many have made a prison out of it, trapping themselves along with the other parties in the illusion of love.
It is disheartening to see when this happen, therefore I have learned to be much more honest to myself and others nowadays.
It's one thing to live in other's love, it's another thing to live in a lie.
Sunday, November 20, 2005
Friday, November 18, 2005
Saviour Mode
Recently while chatting with a friend, he asked, "Do u think being gay means we are to suffer?"
"Definitely.", I answered.
A kinda pessimistic answer, but you know what, it is somewhat true. Gay life can be pretty harsh to those who are not well prepared, and suffering is the imminent outcome.
And then he asked, "Who can help us?"
"No one but ourselves.", was my answer.
After that I remember babbling a whole slew of philosophical stuff to him, no idea how they came to me, and no idea how much of it he understood as well, lol.
Basically I told him..
[/Saviour Mode]
Self pitying is one of the root cause of suffering. If only we can take one step backwards and look from a wider perspective, instead of concentrating solely on our own misfortunes, we might find that there are actually a lot more things which are important around us.
The way I see it, if I couldn't find happiness for myself, why not help others get theirs instead? Which is why I have decided that it's about time I stop just thinking about my pity little self, and expand my horizons to the world around me.
Many don't realize it, self pity will only bring us further down into depression, drowned in the neverending whirlpool of sorrow that we created for ourselves. But if we put our focus on others, we'll be able to see further and wider of this beautiful world and find that there is actually many kinds of happiness to be found at every little corner.
[/End Saviour Mode]
"Definitely.", I answered.
A kinda pessimistic answer, but you know what, it is somewhat true. Gay life can be pretty harsh to those who are not well prepared, and suffering is the imminent outcome.
And then he asked, "Who can help us?"
"No one but ourselves.", was my answer.
After that I remember babbling a whole slew of philosophical stuff to him, no idea how they came to me, and no idea how much of it he understood as well, lol.
Basically I told him..
[/Saviour Mode]
Self pitying is one of the root cause of suffering. If only we can take one step backwards and look from a wider perspective, instead of concentrating solely on our own misfortunes, we might find that there are actually a lot more things which are important around us.
The way I see it, if I couldn't find happiness for myself, why not help others get theirs instead? Which is why I have decided that it's about time I stop just thinking about my pity little self, and expand my horizons to the world around me.
Many don't realize it, self pity will only bring us further down into depression, drowned in the neverending whirlpool of sorrow that we created for ourselves. But if we put our focus on others, we'll be able to see further and wider of this beautiful world and find that there is actually many kinds of happiness to be found at every little corner.
[/End Saviour Mode]
The things that matter
Well, let's see...
Hmm...
The things that matter..
Hmm...
Ok, I think...
Uhm...
Eh...
Huh..
Damn, Writer's Block!
Hmm...
The things that matter..
Hmm...
Ok, I think...
Uhm...
Eh...
Huh..
Damn, Writer's Block!
Sunday, November 13, 2005
Rehabilitation
I thought I was strong enough to withstand, I thought it would hurt less if I acted like I cared less. But the truth is, I was addicted to him.
The harder I tried to show that his leaving didn't bother me, the deeper my wound became.
"Bye John", he said.
Wished I had the courage to say, "Please don't go".
But I didn't, cos the rational part of me knew it would be no use.
A part of me left with him that night, as I found myself infinitely emptier than before.
And so I made the ultimate decision, I forced myself into rehabilitation. Maybe he'll hate me for doing this, but the way I see it there is no other choice, my addiction with him has got to end now, less I want to destroy myself.
I'm not sure how long this rehabilitation is going to take, for he had shown me wonders no others had or even capable of. At times, it really felt like he was the One, but also because of this, I wonder whether I would ever be able to fall for another person again.
Perhaps one positive thing out of all these is that I finally have the enough motivation to start on a self-improvement journey.
Good things never stay. I hate my pessimistic predictions, but sadly most of the time they are true.
The harder I tried to show that his leaving didn't bother me, the deeper my wound became.
"Bye John", he said.
Wished I had the courage to say, "Please don't go".
But I didn't, cos the rational part of me knew it would be no use.
A part of me left with him that night, as I found myself infinitely emptier than before.
And so I made the ultimate decision, I forced myself into rehabilitation. Maybe he'll hate me for doing this, but the way I see it there is no other choice, my addiction with him has got to end now, less I want to destroy myself.
I'm not sure how long this rehabilitation is going to take, for he had shown me wonders no others had or even capable of. At times, it really felt like he was the One, but also because of this, I wonder whether I would ever be able to fall for another person again.
Perhaps one positive thing out of all these is that I finally have the enough motivation to start on a self-improvement journey.
Good things never stay. I hate my pessimistic predictions, but sadly most of the time they are true.
Friday, November 11, 2005
Serendipity
There is this Japanese comic (aka manga) titled 'Le Cirque de Karakuri' which I've been following since few years ago, back in the time when I used to borrow those Comics Weekly from my lil' brother.
It is a fairly long story, with many characters and chronology of timeline being messed around, which makes it kinda confusing at times, as the story jumped from present to the past, from a memory recall to the recall of a recall, and so on..
But, it is a really fantastic title, featuring some of the coolest art designs and super-intertwined plots that at times I'm not even sure the storyteller knows how he's gonna tie up, lol.
The setting revolves around these groups of people who have mastered the art of controlling huge mechanical puppets which also act as weapons to battle against the evil self-conscious mechanical puppets.
Halfway through the story, I'm rather surprised to find that the cause for all these conflicts is actually the result of a desperate man trying to get the love of his life.
He had a few lifetimes' opportunity to get the love of the woman he loves, only to have failed each time, and each failure made him even crueler and more determined to get the love that he so madly craves for but could never get. In the end, he became the cold-hearted man who is willing to do anything to accomplish his goals.
The evil actions of this one lovelorn man created a ripple effect that affected the lives of a few generations of people down the timeline, and as the story pointed out, none of the characters in the story ever got their eternal happiness, because love and hate created a chronic chain reaction that makes everyone's life miserable.
But evil as this man is, at some point, I actually found myself sympathizing with him, who found heartbreakingly that in each different lifetime the same woman he loves always end up loving another man other than himself. I could not imagine how I would have felt if I were him (not that I can live through a few lifetimes :-P).
I wonder sometimes why do we crave for the love of one person so much that it overrides all our rationality? There are 6.4 billion people living on this planet at this single moment, is there really just one of them who happens to be my soulmate? Can this big emptiness in my heart not able to be filled by any other person?
More questions and no answers, well guess that's my style, lol.
It is a fairly long story, with many characters and chronology of timeline being messed around, which makes it kinda confusing at times, as the story jumped from present to the past, from a memory recall to the recall of a recall, and so on..
But, it is a really fantastic title, featuring some of the coolest art designs and super-intertwined plots that at times I'm not even sure the storyteller knows how he's gonna tie up, lol.
The setting revolves around these groups of people who have mastered the art of controlling huge mechanical puppets which also act as weapons to battle against the evil self-conscious mechanical puppets.
Halfway through the story, I'm rather surprised to find that the cause for all these conflicts is actually the result of a desperate man trying to get the love of his life.
He had a few lifetimes' opportunity to get the love of the woman he loves, only to have failed each time, and each failure made him even crueler and more determined to get the love that he so madly craves for but could never get. In the end, he became the cold-hearted man who is willing to do anything to accomplish his goals.
The evil actions of this one lovelorn man created a ripple effect that affected the lives of a few generations of people down the timeline, and as the story pointed out, none of the characters in the story ever got their eternal happiness, because love and hate created a chronic chain reaction that makes everyone's life miserable.
But evil as this man is, at some point, I actually found myself sympathizing with him, who found heartbreakingly that in each different lifetime the same woman he loves always end up loving another man other than himself. I could not imagine how I would have felt if I were him (not that I can live through a few lifetimes :-P).
I wonder sometimes why do we crave for the love of one person so much that it overrides all our rationality? There are 6.4 billion people living on this planet at this single moment, is there really just one of them who happens to be my soulmate? Can this big emptiness in my heart not able to be filled by any other person?
More questions and no answers, well guess that's my style, lol.
Wednesday, November 09, 2005
State of Selfishness
Thanks to the playing of my favourite Kylie Minogue song 'I believe in you', I now have the strength and mood to write yet another diary entry about this recent King of Lovelorn that is me.
We chatted on the net today. After he ended the chat with, "Gtg, take care", I found myself not able to get back into the mood to continue my work, as all kinds of emotions seem to rush into my little head, pumping my senses with images and thoughts of him.
I sat there stoned, until I realized that the sweet memories from the day we met has slowly became my venom, poisoning my mind and soul with every recall.
On my way home from work, my thoughts were all about figuring out what I should do to break out of this dead end.
Then suddenly, as if some mental defensive mechanism has finally decided to kick off to give me a hand, the depression lifted. I suddenly became very rational, and I wondered, "Are these infatuations nothing but my own selfish desires to make a person mine?"
Is love about owning someone? Is love about sulking over someone whom I can't get love from? Is love about getting the perfect person to be my life partner?
I refuse to believe that love is something so superficial, and if I am guilty of any of these thoughts, then parhaps what I feel now is not love, but selfishness.
We chatted on the net today. After he ended the chat with, "Gtg, take care", I found myself not able to get back into the mood to continue my work, as all kinds of emotions seem to rush into my little head, pumping my senses with images and thoughts of him.
I sat there stoned, until I realized that the sweet memories from the day we met has slowly became my venom, poisoning my mind and soul with every recall.
On my way home from work, my thoughts were all about figuring out what I should do to break out of this dead end.
Then suddenly, as if some mental defensive mechanism has finally decided to kick off to give me a hand, the depression lifted. I suddenly became very rational, and I wondered, "Are these infatuations nothing but my own selfish desires to make a person mine?"
Is love about owning someone? Is love about sulking over someone whom I can't get love from? Is love about getting the perfect person to be my life partner?
I refuse to believe that love is something so superficial, and if I am guilty of any of these thoughts, then parhaps what I feel now is not love, but selfishness.
Tuesday, November 08, 2005
Limbo
It's been 3 days since that day he kissed me on the cheek. I did not tell him, that it was the first time anyone had ever given me a kiss on the cheek. A simple kiss, yet it meant more to me than most kisses I ever had.
I feel like being in a limbo now, in front of me I can see him in the distance, smiling and waving at me, the harbinger of joy. I felt so welcomed.
I tried to take a step forward and called out to him, but at the same time he also took a step further from me. I stopped, wondering what happened. Have I misread his intentions?
I took some time to take another step forward, but by now I could no longer hear his sweet teasings, his face started to blur out of my vision, and he's further away than ever before.
As if the magic that made him desired me on that day has withered away, I found myself staring at the shadow of his back, getting left further and further behind. My heart sank everytime seeing the gentle tracks he left on the ground, wondering whether he is moving on to a future without me..
Hard as I tried, I could not get out of this limbo. I'm forced to look at the distance shadow of his slipping away ever slowly from me.
I realised I'm starting to forget how he looked and sounded like, yet my yearning for his company has not ceased, I still feel as strongly for him as I did 3 days ago.
What should I do? Should I attempt a sprint and risk seeing him actually running away from me? Or should I just let him slip out of my vision slowly but surely, and not risk my pride and a full-blown heartache?
I feel like being in a limbo now, in front of me I can see him in the distance, smiling and waving at me, the harbinger of joy. I felt so welcomed.
I tried to take a step forward and called out to him, but at the same time he also took a step further from me. I stopped, wondering what happened. Have I misread his intentions?
I took some time to take another step forward, but by now I could no longer hear his sweet teasings, his face started to blur out of my vision, and he's further away than ever before.
As if the magic that made him desired me on that day has withered away, I found myself staring at the shadow of his back, getting left further and further behind. My heart sank everytime seeing the gentle tracks he left on the ground, wondering whether he is moving on to a future without me..
Hard as I tried, I could not get out of this limbo. I'm forced to look at the distance shadow of his slipping away ever slowly from me.
I realised I'm starting to forget how he looked and sounded like, yet my yearning for his company has not ceased, I still feel as strongly for him as I did 3 days ago.
What should I do? Should I attempt a sprint and risk seeing him actually running away from me? Or should I just let him slip out of my vision slowly but surely, and not risk my pride and a full-blown heartache?
Immunity
I did the unthinkable today - building a new home. Maybe it's just another pet project of mine, but what the heck, as long as it helps keep my mind off whatever that is driving me nuts, a pet project it is then.
At the same time, another unthinkable happened - I found that I'm immune to my 'close cyber friend'! No more secret crushes! No more post-meeting depression!
It's funny how my brain works, how I could be so incurably infatuated with a person, until the point where I would feel the world is ending if I couldn't get his love. But give it some time, when the infatuation fades, I would no longer feel any strong desire to spend the rest of my life with that person, in fact, I wouldn't even have any sexual desire for him.
Scary right? Sometimes I'm horrified by this phenomenon called infatuation. It's highly unpredictable, volatile, emotional and destructive to myself. When it strikes, there's no mercy, I'll succumb to it and it'll make my life miserable to no end - I can't think properly, I can't sleep properly, I can't eat properly and I can't piss properly without thiking of him every second of the day.
To quote my friend, "Pathetic."
Agreed, but like I said, what can I do about it other than hoping that the feeling would go away soon? I lost count of how many infatuations I have had since I could remember, and yet I could find no way to overcome this totally illogical urge to be with this one single person out of the 6.4 billion human souls on the planet.
If I were to put it into an SF perspective, it would seem like we are programmed with this 'infatuation' sub-routine, where when certain conditions are met, our minds will automatically kick into this 'infatuated' mode, until the sub-routine somehow finds an exit condition to free itself from the infinity loop.
As of this moment, I have found myself freed from a few infinity loops, some new ones and some old ones. However there's still one fairly new infinity loop going on though, well, I can only hope that this one finds it's exit condition soon.
Maybe he understands why I stopped pursuing (aka bugging) him, why I only gave in this much effort, when it seems like he's the whole world to me right now. Cos I think he's not ready to settle down, at least not with me, cos I don't feel I'm good enough for him, cos I'm afraid of losing.
That's why I seek immunity.
At the same time, another unthinkable happened - I found that I'm immune to my 'close cyber friend'! No more secret crushes! No more post-meeting depression!
It's funny how my brain works, how I could be so incurably infatuated with a person, until the point where I would feel the world is ending if I couldn't get his love. But give it some time, when the infatuation fades, I would no longer feel any strong desire to spend the rest of my life with that person, in fact, I wouldn't even have any sexual desire for him.
Scary right? Sometimes I'm horrified by this phenomenon called infatuation. It's highly unpredictable, volatile, emotional and destructive to myself. When it strikes, there's no mercy, I'll succumb to it and it'll make my life miserable to no end - I can't think properly, I can't sleep properly, I can't eat properly and I can't piss properly without thiking of him every second of the day.
To quote my friend, "Pathetic."
Agreed, but like I said, what can I do about it other than hoping that the feeling would go away soon? I lost count of how many infatuations I have had since I could remember, and yet I could find no way to overcome this totally illogical urge to be with this one single person out of the 6.4 billion human souls on the planet.
If I were to put it into an SF perspective, it would seem like we are programmed with this 'infatuation' sub-routine, where when certain conditions are met, our minds will automatically kick into this 'infatuated' mode, until the sub-routine somehow finds an exit condition to free itself from the infinity loop.
As of this moment, I have found myself freed from a few infinity loops, some new ones and some old ones. However there's still one fairly new infinity loop going on though, well, I can only hope that this one finds it's exit condition soon.
Maybe he understands why I stopped pursuing (aka bugging) him, why I only gave in this much effort, when it seems like he's the whole world to me right now. Cos I think he's not ready to settle down, at least not with me, cos I don't feel I'm good enough for him, cos I'm afraid of losing.
That's why I seek immunity.
Sunday, November 06, 2005
For I am but a fool..
Just read a heart-wrenching comment left by someone whom I used to maintain a relationship with.
I'm deeply sorry for whatever pain I inflicted on him during the recent breakup, it was my fault for not being able to end the relationship sooner, instead of giving him false hope.
Knowing its not easy for two person to be together, I really wanted to make the relationship work, only to find out later that chemistry of the heart does not always follow universal rules. It does not matter what my mind wants, if my heart does not long for it, it's only a self-deceiving reason to remain in a relationship that exists solely for the sake of getting two person together.
You know being an agnostic person, I'm fairly surprised by my own strong belief in karma and sin?
Karma - What comes around, goes around.
Sin - Something which I think I have done wrong and I would like to repent on.
In this journey of love discovery, I went through the lives of many different people, some have left me scars, and some I have left scarred. Of course, I have said it before, I would really rather have people devastating me than have me devastating them.
Cos I know I'll get stronger with each wound inflicted on me, but for each wound inflicted on others, I found myself the more un-deserving of anyone.
I'm deeply sorry for whatever pain I inflicted on him during the recent breakup, it was my fault for not being able to end the relationship sooner, instead of giving him false hope.
Knowing its not easy for two person to be together, I really wanted to make the relationship work, only to find out later that chemistry of the heart does not always follow universal rules. It does not matter what my mind wants, if my heart does not long for it, it's only a self-deceiving reason to remain in a relationship that exists solely for the sake of getting two person together.
You know being an agnostic person, I'm fairly surprised by my own strong belief in karma and sin?
Karma - What comes around, goes around.
Sin - Something which I think I have done wrong and I would like to repent on.
In this journey of love discovery, I went through the lives of many different people, some have left me scars, and some I have left scarred. Of course, I have said it before, I would really rather have people devastating me than have me devastating them.
Cos I know I'll get stronger with each wound inflicted on me, but for each wound inflicted on others, I found myself the more un-deserving of anyone.
When things seem too good..
Sometimes I am amazed by my faith in fate/God's Grand Design, just when I thought that there could not be any more 'love at first sight' happening in this holiday season, it freakingly happened again yesterday, where I met and had perhaps the most perfect date I ever had or ever could have.
I swear it was so out-of-this-worldly perfect I could hardly believe it was not a dream. It was almost like a fantasy come true, where you get to have a date with this hot guy who possess every single feature that will make you go crazy just by looking at him. And did I mention that he would be incredibly sexy and seductive at every possible opportunity?
After the date, every logic of my brain deduced that this has to be some joke from the Heavenly Father, for it is simply too good to be true.
I was both extremely exalted and saddened.
Happy, because I could now die peacefully knowing that I had experienced something this wonderfull; Sad, because I somehow don't think I would ever have the chance to experience this again.
Reason is simple: If it is too good to be true, it probably is. I learned from the hard way that good things never stay with me, and I should not expect that they would.
When I told him he left something in the car, he probably didn't know I also left something with him - hope. A frail hope maybe, for something so great, so beautiful, I can hardly describe. But there it was right in front of me yesterday, so near and yet so un-imaginably far.
I swear it was so out-of-this-worldly perfect I could hardly believe it was not a dream. It was almost like a fantasy come true, where you get to have a date with this hot guy who possess every single feature that will make you go crazy just by looking at him. And did I mention that he would be incredibly sexy and seductive at every possible opportunity?
After the date, every logic of my brain deduced that this has to be some joke from the Heavenly Father, for it is simply too good to be true.
I was both extremely exalted and saddened.
Happy, because I could now die peacefully knowing that I had experienced something this wonderfull; Sad, because I somehow don't think I would ever have the chance to experience this again.
Reason is simple: If it is too good to be true, it probably is. I learned from the hard way that good things never stay with me, and I should not expect that they would.
When I told him he left something in the car, he probably didn't know I also left something with him - hope. A frail hope maybe, for something so great, so beautiful, I can hardly describe. But there it was right in front of me yesterday, so near and yet so un-imaginably far.
When things seem bad..
What I got to do
To make you love me
What I got to do
To make you care
What do I do
When lightning strikes me
And I wake to find that
You're not there
What I got to do
To make you want me
What I got to do to be heard
What do I say when it's all over
Sorry seems to be the hardest word
... and so on the sad song goes.
So what do I do, when a butterfly lovin' blue cookie monster sends me Fun Point(TM)?
To make you love me
What I got to do
To make you care
What do I do
When lightning strikes me
And I wake to find that
You're not there
What I got to do
To make you want me
What I got to do to be heard
What do I say when it's all over
Sorry seems to be the hardest word
... and so on the sad song goes.
So what do I do, when a butterfly lovin' blue cookie monster sends me Fun Point(TM)?
Wednesday, November 02, 2005
Disability
I was going through Fridae's profiles just now, and I came across this guy's profile, whose face I have seen many times before during my previous Fridae sessions.
The only difference this time was that I went to read through his diaries. And I was surprised to find that he has such great writing, as I could almost feel the emotional struggling he went through with his recent breakup of a 6-year relationship.
His story reminded me of another touching story which I heard just last night from a similiarly broken-hearted friend.
But as much as I emphatize with their painful experience, I realised that I actually envy them.
For they could love a person so much, so madly and so deeply, that I found myself drown in their emotional turmoil as they shared their tales of love lost.
I could not remember the last time when I loved anyone this intensely. Perhaps I have yet to meet the right person, or maybe I am just not capable of loving anyone like that?
I don't know, maybe one day I'll have the answer. And if I'm really lucky, I might still only be in my 40s at that time :-P
The only difference this time was that I went to read through his diaries. And I was surprised to find that he has such great writing, as I could almost feel the emotional struggling he went through with his recent breakup of a 6-year relationship.
His story reminded me of another touching story which I heard just last night from a similiarly broken-hearted friend.
But as much as I emphatize with their painful experience, I realised that I actually envy them.
For they could love a person so much, so madly and so deeply, that I found myself drown in their emotional turmoil as they shared their tales of love lost.
I could not remember the last time when I loved anyone this intensely. Perhaps I have yet to meet the right person, or maybe I am just not capable of loving anyone like that?
I don't know, maybe one day I'll have the answer. And if I'm really lucky, I might still only be in my 40s at that time :-P
Stolen
Last night, for the first time since for don't know how long, my heart was stolen again by someone.
It was never intentional. And I didn't think it was possible..
Felt like ages ago since I have had this intense heartbeat, when his shoe tapped upon mine.. (he probably didn't even notice it though lol)
I managed to keep my cool alright, maintaining my smile all the time. But you know what? Deep inside I was like this little chicken, running around panically, getting constantly zapped by that electrifying smile of his.
Truth is, I hate this actually, cos while all these crazy chemicals are screwing up my head and heart, the other guy is probably thinking, "Hmm.. why does this guy keep playing with his glass of Limau Ais?".
And there goes my peaceful holiday..
It was never intentional. And I didn't think it was possible..
Felt like ages ago since I have had this intense heartbeat, when his shoe tapped upon mine.. (he probably didn't even notice it though lol)
I managed to keep my cool alright, maintaining my smile all the time. But you know what? Deep inside I was like this little chicken, running around panically, getting constantly zapped by that electrifying smile of his.
Truth is, I hate this actually, cos while all these crazy chemicals are screwing up my head and heart, the other guy is probably thinking, "Hmm.. why does this guy keep playing with his glass of Limau Ais?".
And there goes my peaceful holiday..
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