Immunity

I did the unthinkable today - building a new home. Maybe it's just another pet project of mine, but what the heck, as long as it helps keep my mind off whatever that is driving me nuts, a pet project it is then.

At the same time, another unthinkable happened - I found that I'm immune to my 'close cyber friend'! No more secret crushes! No more post-meeting depression!

It's funny how my brain works, how I could be so incurably infatuated with a person, until the point where I would feel the world is ending if I couldn't get his love. But give it some time, when the infatuation fades, I would no longer feel any strong desire to spend the rest of my life with that person, in fact, I wouldn't even have any sexual desire for him.

Scary right? Sometimes I'm horrified by this phenomenon called infatuation. It's highly unpredictable, volatile, emotional and destructive to myself. When it strikes, there's no mercy, I'll succumb to it and it'll make my life miserable to no end - I can't think properly, I can't sleep properly, I can't eat properly and I can't piss properly without thiking of him every second of the day.

To quote my friend, "Pathetic."

Agreed, but like I said, what can I do about it other than hoping that the feeling would go away soon? I lost count of how many infatuations I have had since I could remember, and yet I could find no way to overcome this totally illogical urge to be with this one single person out of the 6.4 billion human souls on the planet.

If I were to put it into an SF perspective, it would seem like we are programmed with this 'infatuation' sub-routine, where when certain conditions are met, our minds will automatically kick into this 'infatuated' mode, until the sub-routine somehow finds an exit condition to free itself from the infinity loop.

As of this moment, I have found myself freed from a few infinity loops, some new ones and some old ones. However there's still one fairly new infinity loop going on though, well, I can only hope that this one finds it's exit condition soon.

Maybe he understands why I stopped pursuing (aka bugging) him, why I only gave in this much effort, when it seems like he's the whole world to me right now. Cos I think he's not ready to settle down, at least not with me, cos I don't feel I'm good enough for him, cos I'm afraid of losing.

That's why I seek immunity.