Buzz~
Buzz~
Screen alight,
took out,
press press,
unexpected,
delighted,
adrenaline,
send and receive.
Clank!
Clank!
Doors open,
step out,
walk run,
heart pumping,
sweat perspiring,
adrenaline,
he's not here yet.
Thump~
Thump~
TV's on,
sit tight,
legs spreaded,
shyness became words,
nervousness became smiles,
adrenaline,
waiting.
*background noise*
*background noise*
Filtered sunray,
hands uncontrolled,
desires awaken,
words became kisses,
smiles became moans,
adrenaline,
warmth..
Uhhmm~!
Uhhmm~!
Smells of excitement,
comfort of his back,
moving in tandem,
the rhythm of joy,
the pinnacle of pleasure,
adrenaline,
in and out.
Huh~
Huh~
Busy streets,
busier people,
my stop,
pondering what to say,
partings,
greetings,
does it matter?
Keep in touch.
Sunday, August 29, 2004
Tuesday, August 24, 2004
Artificial love
It amazes me,
how some can fall in love,
in the expanse of a few words,
a few pictures,
and expect me to reciprocate the feeling.
Even me myself,
only fell in love,
after exchanging three months' worth of emails,
more than two dozens of pictures,
with my close cyber friend.
Now I can understand better,
of the naiveness,
the selfishness,
and rudeness,
that my close cyber friend must have felt of me,
of the things I wrote,
of the feelings I bared,
in the vessel of thoughts we called mail.
Now I can see clearer,
of the forgiveness,
the sincerity,
and courtesy,
that my close cyber friend has given to me,
of which I was too emotionally blind,
of which I was too unwilling to accept,
in the vessel of thoughts we called mail.
So please,
I pray for your understanding,
for your clarity,
your willingness,
to let time shape our course.
how some can fall in love,
in the expanse of a few words,
a few pictures,
and expect me to reciprocate the feeling.
Even me myself,
only fell in love,
after exchanging three months' worth of emails,
more than two dozens of pictures,
with my close cyber friend.
Now I can understand better,
of the naiveness,
the selfishness,
and rudeness,
that my close cyber friend must have felt of me,
of the things I wrote,
of the feelings I bared,
in the vessel of thoughts we called mail.
Now I can see clearer,
of the forgiveness,
the sincerity,
and courtesy,
that my close cyber friend has given to me,
of which I was too emotionally blind,
of which I was too unwilling to accept,
in the vessel of thoughts we called mail.
So please,
I pray for your understanding,
for your clarity,
your willingness,
to let time shape our course.
Unreasoned attraction
In the natural world, male and female both usually choose the most attractive or strongest opposite sex as their mating partner. From the evolutionary point of view, logically there should be some choosing criterias involved in the courting process so that the offspring produced would have a more superior mix of genes that would better ensure the survival of their species.
For example, mating with a strong partner would give higher chance of producing a strong offspring for better survival rate, where else mating with a physically attractive partner would have a higher possibility of producing an attractive offspring that would in turn be a good mating candidate when it matures, hence ensuring the continuity of the species.
Among humans, eventhough both sexes choose their partner most of the time following a highly abstract feeling we called 'love', logical thinking (no, I don't have pointy ears thank you) would suggest that there should still be some hidden factors taken into account during the human courting process that would bring to a better combination of genes in the offspring.
Perhaps these hidden factors are what made us find ourselves being inexplicably attracted to one another sometimes. There's no explanation for why we have certain preferences for things like physical appearences, thinking patterns, body scents, behaviours, etc. Most of the time what human seek in mating partners are the things that they themselves lack, the Chinese gave this universal rule a name - Yin & Yang.
This rule suggests that everything has two facets, and we need both Yin and Yang under balance in order to continue our existence. When we are born, no matter how perfect we ourselves are, there's always something we'll feel we are lacking in, and as we become adult, we begin to search for these qualities we lack from our potential life partners or what some may call soulmates, depending on your level of romaticism.
If until this point you are still unsure or very much blur about what this 'diary' article of mine is about, it's because I've not reached my point yet.
So what does all these mating or Yin & Yang stuff have to do with G/L/Bs? The answer is nothing, absolutely nothing and that's the point.
As G, L and sometimes B, all these better genes mumbo-jumbo should have no relevency or whatsoever to do with us, because most of us probably do not even think about having adopted children much less making one (through artificial insemination, naturally).
So why the preferences for races, heights, weights, looks, body types, hairiness, lengths, sizes, positions, personalities, mannerisms, dress codes, etc.. ?
It seems perfectly natural for us to seek what rouses our sexual desires, what satisfies our minds, what comforts our soul. Yet within the evolutionary context, they serve no more purpose than a child choosing a vanilla ice-cream over a strawberry ice-cream.
I always thought that there's a reason behind every nature's creation, a neverending chain of cause and effect, so how does B/L/Bs fit into this grand scheme of balance?
Could it be that G/L/Bs are a variable thrown into the perfect equation of men and women in order to bring forth change? For we know that progress is seeded by change, where else perfectly balanced system will only bring about stagnation.
Is it evolution's way of trimming out split ends? Or could it be that our society is heading towards a sexless future where men and women are no longer two but one?
Anyway, in the end I guess I'm still pretty much stuck with the question of why I long for a Russel Crowe..
:-P
For example, mating with a strong partner would give higher chance of producing a strong offspring for better survival rate, where else mating with a physically attractive partner would have a higher possibility of producing an attractive offspring that would in turn be a good mating candidate when it matures, hence ensuring the continuity of the species.
Among humans, eventhough both sexes choose their partner most of the time following a highly abstract feeling we called 'love', logical thinking (no, I don't have pointy ears thank you) would suggest that there should still be some hidden factors taken into account during the human courting process that would bring to a better combination of genes in the offspring.
Perhaps these hidden factors are what made us find ourselves being inexplicably attracted to one another sometimes. There's no explanation for why we have certain preferences for things like physical appearences, thinking patterns, body scents, behaviours, etc. Most of the time what human seek in mating partners are the things that they themselves lack, the Chinese gave this universal rule a name - Yin & Yang.
This rule suggests that everything has two facets, and we need both Yin and Yang under balance in order to continue our existence. When we are born, no matter how perfect we ourselves are, there's always something we'll feel we are lacking in, and as we become adult, we begin to search for these qualities we lack from our potential life partners or what some may call soulmates, depending on your level of romaticism.
If until this point you are still unsure or very much blur about what this 'diary' article of mine is about, it's because I've not reached my point yet.
So what does all these mating or Yin & Yang stuff have to do with G/L/Bs? The answer is nothing, absolutely nothing and that's the point.
As G, L and sometimes B, all these better genes mumbo-jumbo should have no relevency or whatsoever to do with us, because most of us probably do not even think about having adopted children much less making one (through artificial insemination, naturally).
So why the preferences for races, heights, weights, looks, body types, hairiness, lengths, sizes, positions, personalities, mannerisms, dress codes, etc.. ?
It seems perfectly natural for us to seek what rouses our sexual desires, what satisfies our minds, what comforts our soul. Yet within the evolutionary context, they serve no more purpose than a child choosing a vanilla ice-cream over a strawberry ice-cream.
I always thought that there's a reason behind every nature's creation, a neverending chain of cause and effect, so how does B/L/Bs fit into this grand scheme of balance?
Could it be that G/L/Bs are a variable thrown into the perfect equation of men and women in order to bring forth change? For we know that progress is seeded by change, where else perfectly balanced system will only bring about stagnation.
Is it evolution's way of trimming out split ends? Or could it be that our society is heading towards a sexless future where men and women are no longer two but one?
Anyway, in the end I guess I'm still pretty much stuck with the question of why I long for a Russel Crowe..
:-P
A close cyber friend
- 14 Aug 2004 -
We exchanged emails almost everyday for 3 months, we told each other a lot of things, a lot of everyday things in our lives.
He gave me his number long time ago, I called a few times, only I called. I proposed to meet twice, twice failed, only I proposed. What is wrong here? No, nothing is wrong if he is only a close cyber friend.
If only our hearts are made of switches with '0's and '1's, then I would gladly switch off the one labeled 'close cyber friend'.
If only I can switch it off, I wouldn't mind reading his sexual encounters, I wouldn't mind reading about his problems and not feel the urge to reach for him and give him a hug, I wouldn't mind reading the many times he came to the city and yet not bothered to contact me..
I wouldn't mind many things, if only he is just a close cyber friend.
The choices..
Continue - Much pain and self conflict over an indeterminable time expected, still exists remote chance of winning the ultimate prize, although it is also a possibility that there may in fact exist no ultimate prize
Game over - Tremendous pain and sorrow expected over a shorter period of time and possibly irreversible regret in the future, already lost
The choice...
- 24 Aug 2004 -
Am currently exploring a third option..
We exchanged emails almost everyday for 3 months, we told each other a lot of things, a lot of everyday things in our lives.
He gave me his number long time ago, I called a few times, only I called. I proposed to meet twice, twice failed, only I proposed. What is wrong here? No, nothing is wrong if he is only a close cyber friend.
If only our hearts are made of switches with '0's and '1's, then I would gladly switch off the one labeled 'close cyber friend'.
If only I can switch it off, I wouldn't mind reading his sexual encounters, I wouldn't mind reading about his problems and not feel the urge to reach for him and give him a hug, I wouldn't mind reading the many times he came to the city and yet not bothered to contact me..
I wouldn't mind many things, if only he is just a close cyber friend.
The choices..
Continue - Much pain and self conflict over an indeterminable time expected, still exists remote chance of winning the ultimate prize, although it is also a possibility that there may in fact exist no ultimate prize
Game over - Tremendous pain and sorrow expected over a shorter period of time and possibly irreversible regret in the future, already lost
The choice...
- 24 Aug 2004 -
Am currently exploring a third option..
Saturday, August 21, 2004
语痴
不知自何时，
发现自己，
已成语痴。
高中毕业后，
大学..
工作..
一律英文就 ok ，
华语变了口讲的语言，
岂需手写？
一直以为，
不会失去的笔触，
却在提笔时，
空白一片。
怎么回事啊？
想写些什么，
却像不举似的 （不曾），
无能为力..
心想不会吧？
是的先生，
是时候恶补了。
发现自己，
已成语痴。
高中毕业后，
大学..
工作..
一律英文就 ok ，
华语变了口讲的语言，
岂需手写？
一直以为，
不会失去的笔触，
却在提笔时，
空白一片。
怎么回事啊？
想写些什么，
却像不举似的 （不曾），
无能为力..
心想不会吧？
是的先生，
是时候恶补了。
Friday, August 20, 2004
The Other Song
Pat Benatar - WE BELONG
We belong, we belong to the light
Many times I’ve tried to tell you
Many times I’ve cried alone
Always I’m surprised how well you
Cut my feelings to the bone
Don’t want to leave you really
I’ve invested too much time
To give you up that easy
To the doubts that complicate your mind
Chorus:
We belong to the light
We belong to the thunder
We belong to the sound of the words
We’ve both fallen under
Whatever we deny or embrace
For worse or for better
We belong, we belong
We belong together
Maybe it’s a sign of weakness
When I don’t know what to say
Maybe I just wouldn’t know
What to do with my strength anyway
Have we become a habit
Do we distort the facts
Now there’s no looking forward
Now there’s no turning back
When you say
(chorus)
Close your eyes and try to sleep now
Close your eyes and try to dream
Clear your mind and do your best
To try and wash the palette clean
We can’t begin to know it
How much we really care
I hear your voice inside me
I see your face everywhere
Still you say
(chorus)
From the album tropico
Written by: d. navarro & r. lowen
The song
Onitsuka Chihiro - INFECTION
'nantoka umaku kotaenakucha'
soshite kono shita ni zassou ga fuete yuku
//'Somehow, I have to answer back,'
//With that, my tongue grows thick with weeds
kodou wo yokogiru kage ga
mata dareka no kamen wo hagitotte shimau
//A shadow passes through one more person's heart
//And strips off her mask
In the night
I sit down as if I'm dead
bakuha shite tobichitta
kokoro no hahen ga
sokorajuu de kirakira hikatte iru kedo
itsu no ma ni watashi wa
konna ni yowaku natta no darou
//An explosion has ripped apart
//The shattered fragments of my heart
//And although now all I see
//Are glittering lights all around me
//When, I wonder,
//Did I become this weak?
ashi ga sukunde shimau koto mo
ki ni naranai furi wo shite iru no
//My legs are cramped, but
//Pretending not to notice, I go on
watashi no oroka na yamai wa
dandan hidoku natte iku bakari
//This foolish disease of mine
//Seems only to get worse and worse
In the night
I realize this infection
bakuha shite tobichitta
kokoro no hahen ga
sokorajuu de kirakira hikatte iru kedo
itsu no ma ni watashi wa
konna ni yowaku natta no darou
//An explosion has ripped apart
//The shattered fragments of my heart
//And although now all I see
//Are glittering lights all around me
//When, I wonder,
//Did I become this weak?
arayuru chiisa na netsu ni
obiehajimete iru watashi ni
kachime nado nai no ni
me wo samasanakucha
//Growing more and more to fear
//Every little fever that comes along
//I may have little chance
//But, still, I must wake up
bakuha shite tobichitta
kokoro no hahen ga
sokorajuu de kirakira hikatte iru kedo
itsu no ma ni watashi wa
konna ni yowaku natta no
//An explosion has ripped apart
//The shattered fragments of my heart
//And although now all I see
//Are glittering lights all around me
//When, I wonder,
//Did I become this weak?
bakuha shite tobichitta kokoro no hahen ga
hahen ga hahen ga sokorajuu de
//An explosion has ripped apart
//The shattered fragments of my heart
//Fragments... fragments..
//All around me
itsu no ma ni watashi wa
konna ni yowaku natta no darou
//When, I wonder
//Did I become this weak?
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