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I want more life

Just finished watching 'Angels in America'. Didn't know it was about homosexuals and AIDS before I decided to watch it, all I knew was that it won some awards (Golden Globe and Emmy for Best Miniseries). It was actually adapted from a play of the same title.

Being a gay, I identified with most of the elements in the story, although the story itself is also about the social state of America in general. This is perhaps the first film I've watched since Tom Hanks' Philadelphia that dealt majorly with AIDS.

The issues explored in the story are all quite close to heart: love, abandonment, belief, prejudice, etc. But it takes certain patience to go through some of the more metaphorical scenes and the often wordful dialogues.

When I first started embracing homosexuality, AIDS was the first issue I found myself having the most difficulty dealing with. I was so scared of catching the disease that I did some pretty naive things back then. As time went by, as I met more people and gained more experience, the issue of AIDS started to take a back seat in my mind, because so few actually talk about it, it's almost like a taboo or maybe people just thought that by avoiding thinking or talking about it, it will not exist or happen to them.

Since my recent involvement with A (which you all knew how it ended :-)), I stopped all my promiscuous activities, because I was ready to stay commited with A. And although I didn't have much desire to meet other guys during that period with him, it also occured to me then how stupid it would be if I were to catch AIDS (or some other nasty STDs) when I finally found someone I wanted to be with.

It was since then, that I have made a promise to myself I will stop having promiscuous sex, not just because I am afraid of the possibly terrible and painful death I will face upon catching AIDS, but also because of the people that I care and love me. Nothing is worth the pain I will inflict on them, certainly not moments of fun with some guys whose name I wouldn't even remember the next morning.

And most important of all, I would need all the health I can have when I finally found him, I don't want to finally meet the 'destined guy' only to tell him, "Babe, I'm so happy to have found you, but I'm afraid I can't be there for you, for I got myself AIDS while waiting for you."

No, I want to tell him, "Babe, I want to be the one who will always be there for you."

Yes, curse the romantics :-P

Forgetfulness

Been almost a week since I last contacted him, guess I should be on my way to finally being able to forget him and let him go..

On my way home just now, I felt a certain dizziness, suddenly I realised what I have been doing all this time was just consciously avoid thinking of him, and this constant effort is starting to take a toll on my psyche, it's like my left brain which wants to think of him is constantly fighting with my right brain which doesn't want to think of him, it was literally starting to give me a splitting headache.

I probably still need more time, more time to wash away the memories and any residue feelings.

Then it occured to me, seeing how I'm becoming more forgetful in recent times (not Alzheimers I hope!), maybe it's because I've been so used to shutting out the unwanted memories, that it somehow promoted my forgetfulness.

Yea I know this may sound like a lame excuse, and probably a bit far fetched, but the possibility could be there for all I know. I guess I'm just becoming too much used to (and need) selective memorising these days, that I'll only memorise things that I deem important enough. Now I generally require harder effort to really memorise something, cos I've been too used to forgetting things. Am I making sense?

Uhm wait.. where was I again? :-P

What about eternity..

Just watched 'Pan's Labyrinth', has to be one of the grossest and scariest fairy-tale inspired movie I've ever watched, definitely not a movie for the children or the faint-hearted.

***

A friend told me, he had a 5-year relationship, but one day it just ended through one sms from the BF, and my friend said he only replied the sms once - wished his BF all the best and go pick up the stuff he left at his place.

That was all. My friend didn't call, didn't beg, didn't get emotional or all dramatic with the BF. Just one sms exchange and there went the 5-year relationship, gone with the wind.

I'm not sure whether I should admire the coolness and rationality of my friend or feel sorry for the fact that such a long relationship could be ended just like that, without any traces of emotion or effort of saving it. I'd think that 5 years is a very long time, how can something built with this long a time be ceased to exist in just one exchange of sms?

So what exactly is love? Is it just two people being happy together over a period of time, and when either one had enough of the other, they just pack up, leave each other's life and move on? Is love this impermanant thing that helps us go through life by keeping us from being too miserable from time to time?

And to think that I've been so naive and misleaded all these while, assuming love equals eternal bond between two souls. But there is no such thing, is there? It's only an imaginary utopian vision for the most romantic of fools, who think that the world revolves around his happiness and his search for his soulmate.

***

Love to me is losing more and more of it's sacredness, tainted by the cruel facts of reality as I go through the rites of adulthood.

I feel like I'm outgrowing the fairy-tale called 'love', afraid that one day I might realise, that there is indeed no such thing as love, or at least not in the way I knew it.

***

Sometimes I realise how scary it can be to bump into someone believing in love the way I do, it's like bumping into a delusional person with no sense of reality.

For let's face it, nowadays love is just an excuse for you to keep dating the same hot guy until his novelty wears off.

Everyday

Everyday is a constant struggle between giving up and holding on to hope.

Everyday I wait for a call or sms that never came and might never come.

Everyday I told myself that all is going to be fine, that I can get over him eventually, that I will stop missing him one day.

Everyday I fill my mind with so many thoughts trying to drown out the memories of him.

Everyday I log onto the chatroom where I met him, both hoping and fearing that I would bump into him again there.

Everyday I try to think of ways to hate him, so that I can justify for giving up on him.

Everyday I wake up, remembering again there is something missing in my life.

Everyday I go to sleep, hoping to forget more the next day I wake up.

Forgiven

I just sent an sms apologizing to my ex whom I have not been in contact with since we broke up almost 2 years back.

Two years ago I gave him the impression that I liked him, only to betray and disappoint him in the end by leaving him. My reason was that I realized he was not the one, but he was already too deep in love with me.

I did not shed a tear when we broke up over a few smses that time, because I realized that there was no love from me, only the comfort of having someone to exchange care and be intimate with.

In my sms just now I told him I wouldn't hope for his forgiveness, but I do hope that he has a better life now without me.

Truth is.. I do want to be forgiven.

Because I know now what is the invisible curse.

It's guilt.

All I ever wanted was just one person

You know I never wanted to become this pathetic desperate guy I've come to be now.

Many times I wish I could just un-live the past two months of my life, return back to a time when I didn't know I could be so hopelessly addicted to a person that my sanity would one day be under his mercy.

I despise this weak person that I've become, clinging so single-sided and fool-hardedly to a person who had once given me hope and showed me the wonders of life but only to take them all back later and left me reminiscing the happiness that could have been and feeling the hollowness of unfulfilled promises.

Is this a curse put on me from my last relationship? I left my last ex after a two month relationship, now it's someone else's turn to leave me after two months. Perhaps karma is true afterall, or perhaps we are all just selfish souls searching of our so-called love and never cared about what trails of destructions we leave in our wake along the way.

Perhaps he was just my Christmas wish came true. when Christmas had come and gone, so had he. Will I ever be able to celebrate Christmas without being reminded of him again?

I am not sure I can ever believe in love again. I long for the time when I will be able to put this all behind, get back up on my own feet and feel hopeful about love and the future again. But at the moment, all I can do is just be embittered. Embittered of an unrequited love sought so hardly over what seemed like an eternity now.

The Second Bests

There are many things in life that we wouldn't take anything short of the bests.

The best food, best clothes, best gadgets, best houses, best men, best partner.. nothing would do it for us except the best, since we have only one shot at life, why don't we deserve the best right?

Being the perfectionist, I'm of course of no exception. But unfortunately, so is A.

It's very tiring being the perfectionist, because we simply couldn't settle for anything less. Between two items of significantly different prices, I would take the higher priced item if it's the one that I really like.

I could imagine why A hesitated, it was because he couldn't look through my flaws, the flaws that made me the second best.

I also realized why I have been single most of the time, it's because all my eyes could see were the second bests, and when I thought I have found the bests, I turned out to be their second best.

Is it ever possible for a second best to become the best? Because if it is, I'd really love to know.

Or maybe for once, I could find the guy who can make us both see the best out of each other.

The Equation

I attended a workshop about influence last week. We were taught about the various ways of influencing others into reaching your objective: pull, push, bridge, attract and avoid.

It came as kinda surprise to me when I found out that I'm actually more of a 'push' person than say 'pull' or 'bridge', cos all the while I thought I was being really considerate of others when it comes to reaching my goals.

I thought I've always been practising this 'no forcing' p0licy on others, cos I know it's no use pushing others to do what they don't like, heck it can even be counter productive, and to discover myself that I'm still actually more of a 'pusher' is therefore rather unexpected. Maybe it's becos the workshop was done together with my colleagues, so it could be that due to the work environment I might have needed to shift to a more 'push' style to get things done.

But then I started to relate it to things on the other end - personal relationships. Am I really being too much of a 'pusher' all these times when I thought that I was really not?

Looking back, I tend to find myself as a result-oriented guy, cos whenever I see things not going the way I hoped they'd go, I'll take some sort of action. When I couldn't figure out whether someone wants to be with me, I pushed them to make a decision; and when they couldn't make a decision, I made it for them by giving up on them. I couldn't take uncertainty as answer, becos I needed to be ensured and know the direction where we were heading in a relationship.

I fear the unknown and the possibility of disappointment it brings.

I consulted with some of my friends about my involvement with A, I told them about all the ups and downs I had with him, the uncertainty and insecurities I felt and feared so much. Most of them advised me to just get ready to move on, not many think its worth waiting for a guy who may never return the affection in the end. There are so many guys out there, why be the fool for one when you could be the sweetheart for many others?

I gave them the excuse that I'm really tired of being the 5 mins sweetheart of others, I know what I really want at my age, and I'm willing to be the fool if that's what it takes to give me a shot at the jackpot of my life.

I'm really not much of a greedy guy, in fact I think I'm quite easily contented despite my constant efforts in improving the quality of life, e.g. healthier food, new gadgets, clothes, cars and even properties. And I'm definitely not greedy at all in terms of relationships, for I am as monogamous as the monogamous idea goes. One special guy in my life is more than enough to float my boat and in fact that's all I'll ever ask for.

Monogamy is also one of the things that I liked in A. He was a big believer in it (as far as I know) and that's what made him different, we all know how rare true monogamy is in this modern world where everyone is all for and about themselves.

Few days back, I got to see a different side of A - the honest, humble, open and vulnerable side. And it brought in a new equation into the already complicated math problem that I've been working on, a new equation which had me threw away a lot of my old assumptions and perceptions. But funny thing is, I just realized that now the math problem got even more complicated, and I'm still no where near the answer.

Or maybe the answer was there all along, just I couldn't or not willing to see it..